Day Seven

JEFFREY MARX

5:00pm - I got home last night (this morning) at 4:45am. I started the evening off over at Craig's house where I went through the whole cleanse experience again. It's such a great thing to talk about to someone who won't think you are totally crazy. He and I had polar opposite weeks. Mine was the best ever and his was shitty because he got stuck working by himself all week at work and was completely overwhelmed. Another example of how ying and yang is evident in everyone's life.

A good friend of his from California met at his house. He had come directly from the airport and was starving so we went to meet up with The London Girls for dinner. The London Girls are friends of Craig's from, um, London. I was excited to have my first real meal back from The Cleanse and I wanted to be picky and have an opinion on where we ate, but decided to just go with the flow. I was sure I would find something soft and gentle at wherever we ended up.

We ended up eating at an Etheopian restaraunt. I love that after 5 days of fasting, my first meal was at an fucking Etheopian restaraunt! Hilarious. We all sat around the table and were served giant proportions of amazing vegetarian food. Everything was served to us in a group dish, which the back of the menu said signifies friendship and harmony. I was adventurous and decided to enjoy a glass of Cabernet with dinner. It was like tasting everything for the first time. The wine bled into every ounce of my being! It felt great! I ended up drinking 5 glasses of wine. The high I felt from my body digesting this terrific food and the easy drunk I was getting from the wine made me elated.

After dinner, we all walked to a salsa bar. The London Girls paid our way into the bar where we were the only whiteys. I loved the music! My heart felt the passion only my body isn't used to dancing to that music, it's used to dancing to this music. The London Girls were a goddamn delight. So friendly and funny! Craig's friend from Cali knew every word to every song at the bar! We were quite the scene in the middle of the crowded salsa extravaganza. Laughing, dancing, and enjoying my newfound buzz on life lasted all night...

...until The London Girls bought me a shot of tequila. My kidneys went into overdrive. I was so drunk! I drunk dialed some friends back home and watched a crazed and drunken Latino throw hundreds of dollars out of his wallet and onto the floor in the street. His girlfriend was shivering and crying next to him yelling, "What the fuck are you doing? I make twice as much as you! You are being an idiot!" I went back inside and gave a few lap dances to my new friends. I made it home in one piece. Tonight, I am supposed to meet up with them again, but I am going to take it easy on the booze. I was terribly hung over this morning. Welcome back, liquor!

BETA FIPPEL

11:44am - Yesterday's bus ride was pretty bad. I didn't have to poop at any point during the FIVE HOUR ride, but my back was killing me the whole time. I kept squirming around like a freak. The guy next to me seemed a little freaked out, but seeing as he was watching Everybody Loves Raymond on his laptop for the whole ride, I think I'm the one who had license to be freaked out. My back feels better today. Hopefully it'll stay that way. And now it's time for my second "elimination" of the day. The salt water made me want to vomit this morning.

4:28pm - Sitting here while Craitzy prepares cupcakes for her party and it's pretty much killing me. Also, while shopping for birthday party supplies, my butt started leaking. That was pretty gross. I got to a bathroom before anything too serious happened, though, so don't worry. Thank g-d I packed that extra pair of underwear for my trip. Too graphic?

BRIAN KENNEDY

7:40am - My butthole is my new alarm clock. Even though today is Saturday, and I have absolutely nothing to do, I still woke up at early to shoot liquid out of me bum. I'm hoping to fall back asleep now, so that I can delay the dreaded salt water flush for a few hours.

1:51pm - I think my body was definitely detoxing last night. I feel much better today. Although I may have more energy, I'm not really doing anything with it. Sure I got up early, but I also just spent the last 6 hours in bed. Now I'm trying to will myself to get up, take a shower, and leave the house to run some errands. Usually a good trick to getting myself out of the house early on a Saturday is to think about going to get coffee. However, I don't think heating up my lemon-maple-ade and putting it in a styrofoam cup is going to do the trick this weekend.

7:25pm - Physically, I am doing just fine today. But mentally, I think I am becoming unhinged. I have energy. My back is feeling better. And I don't even feel hungry. But I did find myself thinking about food a lot. It didn't help that I was out and about shopping today, passing by the 8 million restaurants, diners, delis, hot dog stands and Nuts4Nuts carts in Manhattan. I was feeling pretty down, but then again I was shopping, and shopping always depresses me.

First I went to the Brooklyn Target which is my version of hell. I don't even remember what I went there for, but whatever it was, I didn't find it. Next I went to Surprise, Surprise!, an Asian "everything" store in the East Village. I was hoping to finally find some blinds for my room, a task that over the past couple of months, has proved to be quite difficult. Today I actually found the exact type I was looking for, but (surprise, surprise!) the only size that they didn't have in stock was the one I needed. So far, all I had to show for my shopping was rubber gloves, bathroom wipes, undershirts and a pair of black dress socks. Oh yeah, I also bought some stretchy winter gloves, which made my cold little fingers quite happy. At least some part of me could experience joy today.

On my way over to Union Square I almost gave up on my shopping and tried to catch a showing of Michael Clayton, but alas, there was no 5:00 show. So I had to keep on keeping on. But thankfully, the rest of my shopping turned out to be a little more fruitful. I went into DSW in search of black dress shoes, a task I had been putting off because I hate dress shoes. Why anyone would want to wear square shoes on their round feet is beyond me. At first I was having trouble finding anything that fit. I seriously felt like one of Cinderella's ugly step sisters trying on the glass slipper. But finally, way back in the discount section, I found a pair of round Kenneth Coles that I could actually squeeze my apparently too fat feet into. During the time that I was trying on shoes I noticed a creepy old man with long, stringy, white hair (that may or may not have been a wig) and a tweed jacket, checking me out. And I mean he was checking me out! Normally I don't even pick up on when someone is giving me the old up and down, but this gross old thing was not being very subtle about it. He kept following me around the store, staring me down hardcore, waiting for me to look back at him. Seriously, he was everywhere I turned! I kept my eyes to the ground and was very thankful to find what I needed and get in the checkout line.

After leaving Old Man Creepy in my dust, I made my last stop for the night at Bed, Bath and Beyond... a store that I have become all too familiar with ever since my move back in September. I easily navigated my way through the store and found the shelves that I was looking for. Next I hit up the candle section, because apparently I love candles now. I quickly became a little too obsessed with smelling the Yankee Candles. Pumpkin Pie, MacIntosh Apple, Cider Donut! But the one that really put me over the edge was Vanilla Cupcake. It had a picture of cupcakes on it! I almost cried. On my way to the cash register I was confronted with a dilemma. B,B&B has these big plastic teddy bear containers of animal crackers that I love. Not knowing when I would be back at B,B&B again, I decided to suck it up and buy them, knowing full well that I won't be able to eat them for another 5-7 days.

Not that I'm home, I'm feeling a little more balanced. I survived another day of the Cleanse and honestly, it doesn't even bother me that Jeffrey is cooking in the kitchen right now. If only I can find a way to not leave my house for the next three days, everything will work out just fine!