Day Six

JEFFREY MARX

10:00am - If Brian thinks I should stop blogging, then he has another thing coming! All pertinent cleanse related material will be posted! He tried to leave me off the blog entry today! So this morning I started with a nice cup of watery tomato soup, my new favorite thing in the world. I had a liquidy poop from last night's soup and bread. It's very strange how you can feel the entire digestive process kick back into gear. I imagine this feeling can be very powerful for someone who is addicted to laxatives or something. It makes me feel high! I saw an episode of 'Intervention' that reminded me of this concept. My stomach is definitely knotty (and naughty), but not to my detriment. At work, I enjoyed a sweet-ass banana. Wow. The flavor skyrocketed in my mouth causing a banana brushfire to ignite my soul!

That was the most ridiculous sentence I have ever written.

11:00am - OMG, I just hallucinated. I was looking down at my keyboard and saw three black, yet transparent, bugs crawl into the keys. It was like shrooms kicking in or something. I refilled my giant glass of water to make sure I am not dehydrated. I can't wait for lunch. I am gonna try a salad.

4:15pm - That was one intense salad! It was a potpourri of flavor bursts - carrots, olives, tomatoes, red onions, a few jalapenos, oil & vinegar, and of course lettuce, which, surprisingly, has taste! You know what does not have taste during The Cleanse? Semen. My salad, banana and soup from this morning have made a firmer poo this afternoon. Tonight, I am going out and might try a glass of wine with a light dinner, maybe sushi or something.

BETA FIPPEL

9:35am - I got roped into working this morning before I head to Boston for a whirlwind trip filled with black pugs and birthday parties, so I'm sitting at my desk thinking about how I really, really wish I could go to the bathroom. But I can't. I have to sit her to wait for my boss to call. This is a disaster. I very well might poop my pants/chair/life. Also, the last time Dan and I tried to do the Cleanse we read a blog the night before we started that had the most valuable piece of Cleanse advice yet. It warns, "If you feel that you have the need to flatulate after having drank the tea or the saline wash, DON'T. Because it's not gas!" Many a time have I felt the need to "flatulate" during the past five days, and I might have done it if not for that blessed blog.

11:28am - I'm blogging again because I'm about to leave work (I hope!!) and I probably won't be able to update again until late tonight, if at all. I forgot to mention that the night of Day 3, I drank a cup of mint tea at my sister's apartment and it was the most delicious thing I've ever tasted. Jeffrey's banana explosion reminded me of how excited I am for food/drinks to taste ridiculously good when I'm done with the Cleanse.

BRIAN KENNEDY

7:43am - Another sure sign that this Cleanse is crackalicious: Usually to wake it takes my cellphone, my regular alarm clock, and at least one hit of the snooze button. Today I was up after one try. This is just like that time Jesse was on caffeine pills. I'm so... scared!

9:40am - It's amazing how much stuff can still pour out of your ass after 6 days of not eating. Sure, the majority of it is liquid, but there's still a bit of flakey, brown sediment. Seriously, that shit must be older than this guy. I'm really starting to look forward to having fresh, solid BMs again.

11:35am - Two eliminations in under 30 minutes! That almost sounds like an ad for Dominos Pizza. The first elimination was a gusher. The second, more of an afterthought. However, with the second one I think I finally experienced the flaming shit that the book was talking about. It definitely felt hot. My butthole is burning like a ring of fire right now. But on the upside, this means I'm becoming less toxic.

3:13pm - I just got of the phone with my bank. I had finally got around to ordering new checks a couple of weeks ago, but they were still M.I.A. According the my friendly banking representative, they had been sent to my old address and I would have to cancel those checks and pay another fee for new ones. I held my ground and acted all pissy towards her, but you know what, it got me what I wanted. Afterwards, I wondered if I was irritable with her because of the Cleanse... but then I decided no, I was not. As I choose see it, thanks to the Cleanse I have stopped being a pushover, no longer letting people take advantage of my good natured ways. It's either that, or I have turned into a total cunt.

7:40pm - Home from work, things seem to be going downhill. Today started out great. I had good energy. I could hardly feel any pain in my back. And on my subway ride to work, while reading the theater section in Time Out, I actually thought to myself, Hey, maybe I'll return to my theater roots and give playwriting another shot after this cleanse is over. WRONG. By the end of the workday my spirits were down, my back felt like it had a gaping fleshwound in it, and I had convinced myself that I would spend the rest of my life working in a pharmacy. After work I stopped at C-Town to pick up more maple syrup, limes and water. I felt like it was Day 2 & 3 all over again. Food was practically jumping off the shelf taunting me. Arriving back home rather depressed, I immediately slipped into my pajamas, made my first glass of lime-maple juice for to night, crawled into bed and readied myself for a long night of Netflix.

I feel like there are probably a number of reasons (some Cleanse related, some not) for me feeling so glum:

1. Decrease In Sugar. This morning I ran out of maple syrup. I only used 6 tablespoons instead of 12, which may be why I had less energy.

2. Financial Burden. Today was payday, which is always good. But it was also payday, which means I had to pay rent and my credit card bill. I only have a little over $200 to last me the next two weeks. Thank god lemons are cheap!

3. Seven Day Cycle. Day 2, 3 and 7 are supposed to be the hardest while on the Cleanse. Day 1 is more of a mental challenge than a physical one. At that point you at least still have some food in your system to keep you going. But by Day 2 & 3 that food is gone and your body is fucked. Then you're okay for a few day, until you reach Day 7, which is supposed to be hard because your body detoxes in seven-day cycles. I know today is only Day 6, but the book said it can be a day off sometimes. So maybe I'm having my detox period early.

4. Amazing Race Applications. My sister and I have been talking for years about applying to be on the Amazing Race. I know my sister would be perfect for this show. She's cute, funny and blonde. But most importantly, she can sweet talk anyone into getting what she wants. I realize that I may be a little too dry and sarcastic for the show, but I'll fake it as much as I have to and ride her coattails the rest of the way. Also, we're both uber competitive and hate losing. You should see us playing board games together. This year was the first that I actually noticed the casting call before the deadline was past. However, we have no way of video taping ourself together before Nov. 27. I know it doesn't really matter, since our chances of getting on would be worse than our chances of finding a bag containing a million dollar just lying in the street. But still, everyone's gotta have a pipe dream... and mine is being crushed!

5. I'm On The Mother-Fucking Cleanse. I am depriving myself of food and drink. And by "drink" I of course mean alcohol. Usually Fridays are good days at work because I know that the weekend begins at 6:30pm. (6:00pm if I leave early, and I usually do.) But this evening, knowing that I was just going to go home and not eat or drink all night, it seemed like there was really no point in having a weekend. I might as well be working again tomorrow. It's sad to think that so much of my happiness depends on food and liquor. Hmm, maybe that's the lesson I'm supposed to learn whilst on this Cleanse. Well if that's the case, reality sucks!

In closing, I'd just like to thank Jeffrey for posting how WONDERFUL the FOOD that he ATE today TASTED. Just be sure to lock your door before going to bed tonight, you little bitch.