Final Thoughts.

JEFFREY MARX



BETA FIPPEL

It's Beta writing from the fuuuuuuture... It's a year later and Brian and I are up to our old tricks. We're doing the Master Cleanse again. Check our progress here: http://bethbrianmastercleanse.wordpress.com/

And now, back to my final post from last year:

I've really been phoning it in, Master-Cleanse-Blog-wise for the past few days, but I will now share what the Cleanse has meant to me. In list form (in the interest of continuing to phone it in):

-It got so easy to do after Day 5 that I might even try a longer Cleanse next year. I would definitely not do it more than once a year. And I will not do it again during a time when I have a weekend trip planned.

-I can have fun at a crazy drunken party while completely sober. This will come in handy during my next career as a rapist.

-Since the Cleanse, I still have the same impulses to buy unhealthy foods, but I have yet to act on the impulses, which I would have done before the Cleanse. I'm not going to waste putting myself through 2 weeks of misery by gaining all of the weight back, damn it!

-The not eating aspect of the Cleanse is not the worst part at all. Worst parts include the salt water flush, making the "lemonade", the first two days of OJ and broth after ending the cleanse, not being able to just go out for dinner/drinks (socially speaking), and trying to justify doing the cleanse to other people.

-I lost about 13.5 pounds, and hopefully I can keep off 10 of them and then lose about 20 more through diet and exercise. I'll probably be posting about that on my other blog-- poopingatwork.blogspot.com (unfortunately, I had to make it private due to the sensitive nature of some of the posts).

BRIAN KENNEDY

This morning I woke up and had my first solid BM in two weeks. And with that, the Cleanse is officially over. For my closing post, I am pretending to interview myself at my neighborhood coffee shop, over a toasted bagel with butter and coffee. Sweet, sweet coffee.

Hi, you must be Brian. Thanks so much for agreeing to do this.
No problem. [Pointing to bagel.] You're paying for this, right?

You're funny. And cute!
Please, let's keep this on a purely professional level. You're too young for me anyhow.

Right. So are glad the Cleanse is over?
Duh.

What was the hardest part for you?
Besides not eating for 10 days? Well, on the weekdays the hardest part was being at work, wishing that I was fasting in the comfort of my own home. On the weekends the hardest part was being at home, wishing that I had work as a distraction.

What has the Cleanse taught you?
That food often equals happiness for me. That it's possible for me to stay sober for over 10 days. And that there will always be poop in my butt.

Yes, about that. You often blogged about pooping and "pissing out of your ass." Aren't you afraid of alienating people by blogging about something so personal and disgusting?
That is why I don't have a boyfriend.

What did you gain from doing the Cleanse?
Nothing. I lost 10 pounds.

Well, you look like you gained at least 5 of those back after just one day of eating again. Is that 3 Musketeers I smell on your breath?
Fuck you. I don't care about my weight anyway.

Then why do you keep looking at yourself in the mirror?
Bitch please, I was always looking at myself in the mirror before I went on the Cleanse. I'm very self-obsessed like that.

So the Cleanse hasn't changed you at all?
I feel like it has changed me, at least temporarily. I have a lot more energy than I used to. And I have a much better, more positive outlook on life. I hope neither of those change. I know that they are both related to how I eat. And while I don't plan on becoming a health food Nazi, I do plan to keep a closer watch on my junk food intake. In connection to that, I've made it my goal to start cooking for myself more often. Real meals. Not just plain pasta noodles or a bowl of cereal for dinner anymore.

So you don't regret doing the Cleanse?
Not at all. I am very proud of myself. I feel like I met all my goals for this experiment.

Would you ever do it again?
Only after Father Time has sufficiently erased the horrid memories of the pain and anguish that I endured... so no, probably never.

Any advice for someone who's interested in trying the Cleanse?
Don't.

Final thoughts?
Never take your ability to eat for granted.

Great interview. So, can I take you home now?
Fine. But handies only.

THE MOTHER-LOVING END!
Thanks so much for sticking with me these past 2 weeks, dear readers. From here on out you can catch me at my less poop-centric, daily blog over here. Thanks again and good luck to anyone crazy enough to try the Cleanse!

xoxo,
Brian

DAN FRIEDMAN

What did I learn from the cleanse? I learned that even though it always feels as if there's something wrong with my body anyway, that's not a good reason to purposefully sabotage it. I learned that even though some of my friends think it's easy for me to quit things willy-nilly, I actually really torture myself over it, and I really shouldn't. I learned that I didn't really need to do the cleanse. Not that I couldn't stand to lose the weight, or even flushing out my bowels; both of those things might be good for me, or at least not bad. The real problem for me is that the cleanse is about a sweeping life change, and I just don't want a sweeping life change right now.

The cleanse--or quitting the cleanse after two and a half days--has, in fact, given me some healthy perspective. Quitting it, and feeling so good, both mentally and physically, about definitively deciding to quit it, has made me realize that I've been slowly but surely but slowly changing my life for the last year.

It was just over a year ago that I was single, jobless, and mired in the worst depression of my life. This was followed, a few months later, by one of my friends finally succumbing to the cancer that had been plaguing him for two years. But out of all this, I got into therapy, entered into a healthy, long-term relationship, decided to apply to grad school, and got my very own sweet little puppy. I may still be unemployed, but I'm at least working harder toward ending that: I've spent a significant amount of time writing on eight out of the last eleven days.

When I tried to do the cleanse just three and a half months ago, I think it would have been more helpful. But as it stands now, I'm relatively happy in my life... it could still use plenty of improvement, but I'm content to have that change continue at its current pace. Sorry to mire this blog down by not being particularly funny, but this post asked me to consider my final thoughts, and it made me feel kind of somber and contemplative.

I'm happy the cleanse worked out so well for my friends. And, in the end, it worked out well for me, too. Having been forced to reflect on what this meant to me, I've realized that I'm "on the right track." Post it.

XOXO,
Dan Friedman