Day Four

JEFFREY MARX

8:05am - My poop smells like Freddy Krueger.

9:33am - So I sucked it up and apologized to the old lady. It felt like it was the right thing to do. Hopefully, it will be an example to her on how she should be acting, but it probably won't. The cleaning lady threw out my empty gallon jug I have been using at work for the salt water flush. I had to use about 40 little Dixie cups full of water to do the flush at work today. It was quite the system in the workplace kitchenette. Also, I only put 8 tablespoons of maple syrup instead of 12 because we were gonna run out. I need to buy more on the way home tonight.

10:10am - I have now eliminated four times. Wow. I feel like I just cleansed 4 years of bad attitude out of my butt. My friend Craig asked me what it looks like, so I will tell you, since you are probably curious. It's mostly yellow liquid but with dark flakes, like small bay leaves. It's pretty insane!

11:04am - Wow! It's not stopping! I went two more times! Yikes! This is the scariest thing that has ever happened on Halloween! Here is the funniest thing to happen on Halloween...





1:15pm - Today at "lunch", I sat outside in the sunshine. It felt really great, like an electric sunflower! The warmth and energy from the sun really helped recharge my brain batteries. I drank a good deal of the lemonade and read a book. I feel happy.

1:17pm - The old lady at work is slurping soup and crunching wheat thins. She is disgusting. I want to die.

4:00pm - This is truly the witching hour. On Day 2 and Day 3 around 4:00pm, I thought I was dying. Again, today, the aches are pretty bad. If I feel miserable like this again on Day 5, I am going to be worried. Everything I have heard and seen says that by Day 5 you have some awesome clarity or something. The muscles in my legs are burning, my neck and shoulders are burning, the arches of my feet are burning, Paris Is Burning...

8:18pm - I'm seriously dragging in the energy department. I wish that sun I was sitting in this afternoon was sitting on my face right now. My back hurts, only I don't think it's my back - I think it's my kidneys. My body is deflated weakness. I am unconvinced that this is a good thing. I feel like someone in a concentration camp only my Nazi's are named "Captain Unrequited Love" and "Major Daddy Issues". I'm in the middle of my intern shift at the theatre and I think I am gonna pass out. I would take a nap, but I am afraid I would wake up dead.

9:45pm - I just had a crazy revelation about The Cleanse and what it means to me! I'll explain more on video later... OMG. Crazy! KRAZY!



BETA FIPPEL

11:24pm - Okay blog fans, I'm really sorry that I didn't give updates throughout the day today. I woke up late and was pretty busy at work. Then I had to watch Kid Nation, the best show on television. So, here's my whole Day 4 experience in a nutshell.

As I mentioned in my video yesterday, barring disaster, I'm definitely not going to quit the Cleanse. Days one and two were rough, day three was pretty easy, and today a wicked combination. I woke up this morning and was ready to poop right away, which I haven't been before. It usually takes a while to get the ol' butt bubbling. The poop was a classic Cleanse poo--flakes, felt like I was shitting a river, etc. I had the salt water, which is getting harder for me by the day. My biggest problem with it is that I just don't like the act of drinking. Like, I find swallowing liquid kind of unpleasant. I know it's weird. It's the reason I'm generally dehydrated and another reason that the Cleanse is a good thing for me to be doing.

Between the salt water and leaving for work, I pooped a couple more times, but only once at work. And I was there for almost 8 hours. Weird, huh? Work today was hard, Cleanse-wise, because there were bowls of candy corn everywhere and a truly delicious looking Halloween-themed Entemman's cake. My impulse would normally be to grab a couple of candy corn whenever I passed a bowl, so it was weird and a little bit frustrating to not be able to do that. Liberating too, though. There were also various Halloween parties I wanted to go to tonight, but I figured there would be too much temptation, so I came home after work. I also had a very lethargic, kind of depressing phone conversation with Brian in which we decided that we didn't have the energy to do anything tonight. Also, he would be busy shopping for syrup.

Today at work I had the shoulder, neck, back pain that Jeffrey mentioned a couple of days ago. It was awful. It's like that good pain that you get when someone massages your shoulders really hard, but it went on for hours and there was no sensual rubbing. And furthermore, why am I two days behind Jeffrey? Why aren't we experiencing the exact same things at the exact same time? Why aren't our poop schedules in sync the way girl's period cycles sync up when they spend a lot of time together?

What else... my tongue is white, my poop smells really bad (I mean, the stuff that's coming out now is stuff that's just been sitting in there, festering, for a long time), I haven't had any real "bathroom emergencies," my energy is really up and down. I'm pretty peppy for the first half of the day, but I really start dragging after that. Oh, and I tend to get very hungry at night after drinking the laxative tea. Hopefully this will help teach my body to not be so hungry late at night. After the cleanse, I'm hoping that late-night eating will be one of the bad eating habits I can kick.

It's crazy to think that I haven't eaten anything for 4 days. Does this make me anorexic? And does Dan's alleged vomiting make him bulimic?

BRIAN KENNEDY

5:29am - Didn't even have to wait for the salt water flush to have my first elimination this morning. Woke up early and made a mad dash for the bathroom. Thanks Get Regular! Also, as much as you don't want to read this, I am happy to report that I now have neon yellow liquid coming out of my butt. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

8:15am - Just finished my salt water flush for the morning. As predicted by the book, it becomes easier to tolerate. (Something to do with the intestinal walls being cleaner.) Not wanting to be late for work again today, I tired the following exercises that are supposed to help speed up the flush:

Exercise 1 - Rub your stomach with the palm of right your hand clockwise 21 times and counter clockwise 13 times.
Exercise 2 - Raise your arms over your head (still standing) and sway them left to right.
Exercise 3 - Spread your feet shoulder width apart and spin your body at the waist from left to right. Let your arms swing with your body. Feel the stretch in your lower back and abdomen.
Exercise 4 - With knees and feet together, bend your knees and squat. Reach with your left hand and touch the tip of your index finger to the outside of your right foot. Now try to do both together with your head facing somewhat forward.
Exercise 5 - Doing the Hatha Yoga Cobra Position is also good as are other exercises that get the intestines stimulated.

I had to google image search the Cobra Position:

And now that I'm done typing this, I can feel the desired effects taking place. Gotta run!

10:16am - Just had my first "at work elimination." I could feel the storm a brewing while on the L train. Thankfully, I still have control of my sphincter and a pants-pooping disaster was avoided. Unthankfully, I feel like I have another elimination still on deck for later this morning.

11:50am - Went to the bathroom again. I usually don't eliminate this late in the day. Is my butt broken? Or has the Cleanse evolved?

1:35pm - Another elimination! I'm becoming concerned. I think this one burned a bit. Unless I'm just confusing the burning sensation with the soreness of my ass from all the wiping.

8:15pm - Got home from work. Had to eliminate again. I’m glad to be getting rid of all this waste, but come on, my baby-soft bottom needs a break! Remember how yesterday I was bitching about my landlord not turning on the heat, forcing me to spend money on a space heater? Well last night I was enjoying said space heater when I heard a sparking noise coming out of the outlet that the heater and my laptop were plugged into. Being the moron that I am, I thought nothing of it and went back to sipping my laxative tea. It wasn’t until this morning that I realized the power adapter for my laptop had fried and melted into the outlet. So now, thanks to my cheap landlord and my slow metabolism from the Cleanse, I’ve been forced to spend $118.16 on a space heater and a new power adapter. To make matters worse, to get to the Apple store I had to navigate my way through a mass of dumbasses and dickheads waiting for the Halloween parade to start. I’m sure that I could have gotten a new adapter sent to me under my warranty. But since I’m going without food right now, there’s no way in hell I’m going with out internet too.

9:23pm - I finally made a video. (Jeffrey, I borrowed you copy of Details magazine with Jake Gyllenhaal on the cover. In the words of Taylor from Kid Nation, Deal with it!)


12:45am - Did you watch the above video? Do you catch the part where I talked about how excited I was to watch America’s Next Top Model tonight? Well, just like Beatuy and the Geek last night, it was a G.D. “recap” episode. Fuck you CW. Don’t you know I’m very fragile right now, and I need fresh reality TV? Also, for those of you who are considering quitting (Jeffrey!) Don’t forget that you have this too look forward to:

“I had [my spiritual encounter] on Day 5. I felt Him deep, a feeling so unexplainable that I have never had before. I had uncontrollable streaming tears practically on my knees (weeping), along with some very, very strange coincidences and I don’t believe in coincidences. "

Day Three

JEFFREY MARX

10:40am - Today I woke up with a sharp, stabbing pain in what I believe to be my kidneys. I had recorded a video last night at the end of day two, but it didn't upload for some reason. It really agitated me. I will do another tonight. This morning, I made a "Master Cleanse Mix" on my iPod to help stimulate and encourage me on my walks to and from work. Here is the mix, it's amazing and I think you should have the same mix if you are doing The Cleanse. Or at least, make a inspirational mix of some kind. I'm serious. Here is a weird video for the song from "The Biggest Loser" and "Queer As Folk". They should have hired me to make this video, it's really weird for such a great song. It's all 80's student film. Ugh.



Track 1 - "Proud" by Heather Small
Track 2 - "Breakin' Up" by Rilo Kiley
Track 3 - "New Shoes" by Paolo Nutini
Track 4 - "I Feel It All" by Feist
Track 5 - "Love Is Blind" by Annie Lennox
Track 6 - "Where Is My Mind" by The Pixies
Track 7 - "Love Profusion" by Madonna
Track 8 - "Back To The Earth" by Rusted Root
Track 9 - "The Painter" - I'm From Barcelona
Track 10 - "Punchlines" - Mates of State
Track 11 - "Come A Long Way" - Michelle Shocked
Track 12 - "Happier" by Guster
Track 13 - "Be Yourself" by Morcheeba
Track 14 - "Brandy (You're a Fine Girl)" - Looking Glass

I know, "Brandy (You're a Fine Girl)" isn't particularly inspirational, but I just love it and it puts me in a great mood. You know what else puts me in a great mood? Ice, cold fountain Pepsi, onion dip, and Ruffles potato chips.

10:51am - For the past 11 minutes, I have been thinking how weird it is that the guy's voice in the 'Brandy' song doesn't match what he looks like. What a scuzzy dude! He looks like he is going to mouth-rape that microphone! I don't think I like the song as much anymore. Great, now I have to re-do my 'Master Cleanse Mix'. Also, I love that I just got paid for 11 minutes to do nothing but think of this issue.

2:05pm - I drank my lunch in the student lounge today. Much better than smelling every inch of the pizza shop in the cafeteria. I am feeling a little better! It's strange how mindful of your body you become on The Cleanse. Last night, after meditating a little bit in my bed, I made peace with the horrible pain that was building in my neck, shoulders and at some points, my legs. My point of view is that tensions and pain is exiting my body and I am resetting myself. Today, I feel like my body is churning out whatever it needs to churn out in order to reset. My body is still sore, but less so, and it feels like it needs to be, in a good way, in order to rebuild. Jesus, I sound like a fuckin' hippie. Maybe the soreness isn't all this resetting mumbo jumbo, maybe it's a warning signal my body is telling me that I am dying.

3:15pm - I went to go get the president a veggie burger. I got high off the smell of roasted chicken and macaroni and cheese in the cafeteria. I could even smell the organic soap on the college art students. My sense of smell is superhuman! I am going to be on 'Heroes'!

4:15pm - OH MY GOD! We lost another cleanser! Well, it definitely isn't for everyone, that is for sure! I didn't know Dan, like Beta did, but he was a good man in my experience. Plus, he has a really cute dog named Rosie, so that's pretty cool! Good luck, Dan! Also, I know Beta was very excited about Taco Bell's free tacos for every stolen base during that baseball game tournament, but Jon (who quit the cleanse before it even started) sent me this link today! I mean, if Jon is giving his free tacos away, why isn't he just doing The Cleanse?

5:10pm - Record 'Day 3' video. I got in a tiff with the crabby old lady who sits behind me at work as I was on my way out the door. I harnessed my emotions into an after work video. She doesn't know how to turn on her computer so I am not too worried about her finding a youtube video.



6:24pm - Just remembered Britney Spears new CD comes out today! Damn, I don't have any money until Friday! I spent all my money on lemons and toilet paper! Now, I have to go on a Britney fast too! This cleanse is probably similar to what Britney is going through this year. Poor Brit-brit. I hope she doesn't go crazy forever! I also hope I don't accidentally show everyone my vagina while I am on The Cleanse!

6:25pm - BRITNEY IS AVAILABLE TO LISTEN TO FOR FREE ON MYSPACE! Well isn't this a treat? It's like the musical version of a cheeseburger and a caramel frapuccino! OMG. I love right now!

11:59pm - About an hour ago, I noticed that my tongue is totally white. You know how E.T. and Elliot turn all white and pasty at the end of the movie because they love each other and their pain is each other's pain? Well, my tongue looks like E.T. If you're doing The Cleanse right, your tongue turns white, or so I am told. Also, my teeth have a strange acidic film over them. I assume it is from all the citric acid. While today was better than yesterday, I am still sore and weak. I hope to jump into the day tomorrow with more strength and a winning attitude with the lady from work. I fear she may become the emotional dumping ground of all that is purging from my mental and physical system. Also, Britney's new CD is an awesomely over-produced piece of sweet-ass electro-pop. I-love-it.

BETA FIPPEL

1:33pm First of all, what's the deal with Jeffrey spelling my fake name wrong?? It's Fippel. Not Fipple. Second, I feel like I must be doing something wrong, because I feel just fine. For the most part. Last night I think I jumped the gun on the laxative tea. I thought I was going to go to bed early, so I stopped drinking the lemonade and had the tea at about 10pm. Then I was up for another 2 hours and was really, really hungry. But, since I've never read the official cleanse book, I didn't know if I was allowed to have more lemonade or not, so I played it safe and just stayed hungry. I woke up at 12:40pm today, since I'm not working, and my stomach felt totally normal. I peed and farted a little, tiny fart, but no poop came out. The salt water got things moving and I expelled some pretty gnarly poo flakes, but otherwise I'm not feeling too tired or cranky or crampy or anything. And my cold seems to be passing, so I'm going to stick it out. Unless I have a relapse. For those of you who've read the book, am I doing something wrong? Should my stomach be more crazy right now? It's a little gurgly, but that's it.

4:08pm Boy are my butt cheeks red (figuratively). I was so wrong about the cleanse not working. After I posted earlier today, I pooped (and by pooped, I mean peed out of my butt) three times in a row. And now I'm just going about my daily business, watching I Love New York and so forth. Oh, and I can't believe the cleanse is happening during this! Also, apparently Dan has quit, which is disappointing, but not surprising if you know Dan. And I'd recommend just drinking orange juice today, instead of trying to eat solids. I think that's what you're supposed to do, to come off the cleanse, right? Juice for a day, soup for a day, and then take it easy solid-food-wise for a couple more days?



BRIAN KENNEDY

9:17am Very disappointed in my bowel movements. Hardly anything this morning. I think part of the problem is that I'm not drinking the flush quickly enough. Jeffrey told me to pretend it's cum, but that doesn't help me. I'm not a cum pig like Jeffrey. Also, our apartment is freezing because our stingy landlord has yet to turn on the heat, and drinking the flush makes me really cold. I'm so fragile right now! Uh-oh, my stomach just made a noise. Let's hope for a more fulfilling BM this time. I should be leaving for work right now.

9:29am Just got back from the bathroom. I've graduated to semi-solid BMs! Hooray!!! I'm sooo gonna be late for work.

9:55am - Made my lemon-maple-ade. Sat on the toilet some more. Supposed to be at work in 5 minutes. (Jeffrey, if you get home before me tonight, buy more TP before using the bathroom.)

10:37am - Made it to work (late.) Didn't crap my pants on the A train. Feeling more energetic. Thanks Master Cleanse!

3:05pm - Although Day Three is definitely treating me better than Day Two did, my thought process for every waking second is still "I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse."

8:00pm - Home from work. Day went pretty well. Felt really down around 4:30, but it quickly passed. My back is hurting again and my tongue has been rolling around my mouth all day wondering why it's so empty, but I've definitely had more energy and my caffeine headaches are gone. Also, my tongue now has a white coat over it, which is a sign that my body is detoxing. Not sure if I put that in the "annoying things about the Cleanse" or the "good things about the Cleanse" column. I like how "the Cleanse" is capitalized, like it's a cult. Jeffrey and I are doing laundry tonight and I just got back from Home Depot, where I purchased a space heater. While waiting in line at the Depot I got sort of mad thinking about the fact that I had to spend $32.50 because my landlord is too cheap to turn on the heat. But thanks to the Cleanse, I am learning to let go of such annoyances by reminding myself that things could always be worse... I could be starving.

9:48pm - The Cleanse is decidedly much easier to do at home, especially when it's just me, Jeffrey and a bunch of empty cupboards. Right now Jeffrey is making me watch Yo! Gabba Gabba, which is bascially a modren day H.R. Pufnstuf. If you are unfamiliar with either show, they're both kids shows that are not for kids. They're for adults on weed. I'm on my last glass of lemon-maple-ade for the night, but I used limes this time, quite a refreshing change. Oh yeah, I also just read that Coolio is going to have his own reality show on Oxygen. That has absolutely nothing to do with the Cleanse, but I find it hilarious. And speaking of Gangsta's Paradise, Robert Goulet just died. Sad.

DAN FRIEDMAN

10:47am I woke up six times during the night: twice to go dry-heave, twice to have stomach cramps and poop, once to just have stomach cramps without pooping, and once because my neighbor locked herself out of the building and buzzed me to let her back in. I think I probably frightened her when I picked up the intercom because I was so cranky. At least, she sounded pretty frightened when she hastily apologized four times and explained the situation and then apologized again.

The point is: I was all set to give up this morning and eat some dry white toast, but then I read Jeffrey's blog post from last night and watched the YouTube video he linked to, and it really inspired me to give it a little more time. So: I skipped the saltwater rinse, because I started it and I nearly puked, but I'm back to slowly sipping the lemonade even though it continues to taste like an Elm tree.

3:43pm That does it for me. I don't know if I'm doing the Cleanse wrong, or if my body's just not made for this abuse, or if I just have some other sickness going on, but I'm taking the Coward's Way Out™ and quitting. I've already eaten a piece of dry toast, and while I still feel crappy (with cramps and all) I think this is probably the right decision. My therapist, Dr. HHHFeld told me I should stop... and by "told me I should stop," I mean that he said I must really hate myself to be doing this to my body.

I guess this is it for me and the Master Cleanse... two attempts and failure both times. So I suppose I have to ignominiously drop out of this blog, as well. It's a sad day to be me--unlike most days. Anyway, you can still visit me at the ole Vile Monotony if you want to keep track of how the shame of failing the Cleanse is affecting me.

Hugs & Kisses,
DJ Dickmutt

Day Two

JEFFREY MARX

9:21am - First day at work on The Cleanse. I had normal poops in the morning. Then, I did the salt water wash (which is the worst thing in the world). I am waiting for the ass-splosion. My shoulders and neck are very sore. Not sure if that has anything to do with anything (perhaps toxins mobilizing?). I tried to Gmail Gchat Beth just now and she signed off immediately. She always has a red dot by her status message anyway, so I am not gonna take it personally. Red dots suck.

9:48am - I just peed out of my ass.

1:15pm - Man, my shoulders hurt! I had an awkward interaction with a slice of pizza in the cafeteria. I brought my cleanse juice and a book I am reading about molestation down to my usual sitting space. Big mistake! That slice of pizza almost jumped into my face! I will have to find a new place to "eat lunch" at work during this adventure.

3:50pm - My neck and shoulders are crying. So much built up tension is being agitated. This is rough. I'm not so much missing food, as I am missing my neck not dying. I have a dead neck.

4:57pm - Making copies for my sketch class. My shoulders are so mad at me. I think they might try to beat me up and take my lunch money... oh wait, I don't have any lunch money because I am not eating anything.

10:06pm - Hobble to the subway after sketch class. Immediately fall asleep on the A train listening to Annie Lennox.

10:55pm - Holy fuck. What a painful day. I just got back from sketch class. I peed an amazing amount of times today. My neck and shoulder pain is still operating at about a level 8. My upbeat attitude is still strong except I almost lost it with the old lady who sits by me at work. Also, I fought being testy in my sketch class tonight too (but seriously, I should not have to explain what a 'top' or 'bottom' is in gay lingo to justify my sketch, people should know what those terms are, am I crazy?). I got home to see the blog updated by my wonderful cleanse comrades! I hope they are OK. I know it's tough, gang! Hold on! If you guys have to stop, that's OK. We won't be mad at you. Brian would be mad at me if I quit, but you guys could and it would be alright.

11:43pm - Drinking my poop tea and reading about molestation.



BETA FIPPEL

10am-ish - My computer was all effed up this morning. I was on my boss's computer and had to switch to mine as soon as Jeffrey gchatted me. Also, the red dot is especially important now that I could have to go to the bathroom at any moment.

I woke up at about 5:30am today with some stomach cramps, probably from the laxative tea I had last night. I wasn't quite ready to poop, though. My body is crazy. When I was getting ready for work, I eliminated a few flakes--presumably stuff that's been stuck in my colon for years.

Also, I peed out of my ass at almost the exact same time Jeffrey did!

5:12pm - I'm officially sick. I have a runny nose, sore throat, and possibly a fever. I've been trying to fend this thing off for about a week, but it has finally hit. I think it took the opportunity yesterday when I stopped eating to get me. I'm taking tomorrow off work to try to recuperate, but since this is all about being healthy, I'm not going to continue the cleanse if it's making me sick. Makes sense, right? This is all very suspenseful. Will I continue or not...?!?!? And, as a side note, I use my 32 oz. nalgene bottle for the salt water and then for the lemonade. Is that going to make me sick like Brian and Jeffrey's water bottles? And, as another side note, as I get to the bottom of the nalgene, the cayenne pepper is really intense. I might keel over.

BRIAN KENNEDY

11:04am - Even after drinking my lukewarm swimming pool water, I mean salt water flush, this morning, I still managed to have a solid BM. No pissing out of my ass yet! However, it was a pretty nasty looking BM. Like if a BM had been sitting out for too long and it got moldy. Also, it was very lumpy and I believe I saw some old spinach leaves in it. Yes, I plan to torture all of you who can eat by describing my poop. I'm doing my best to make you lose your appetite. Right now I'm at work, but I have to leave soon to go to a meeting at a hospital where there is going to be FREE LUNCH! It is killing me right now that I have to pass on a free lunch.

3:02pm - Just got back from the hospital. Very proud of myself for being able to sit through watching everyone else eat delicious club sandwiches. I was even able to keep my calm when they passed the cookie tray around. However, now that I'm back at work, I am truly being tested. Not only is my co-worker (who just had her wisdom teeth taken out) eating a giant tupperware container full of mashed potatoes. But a package full of Halloween candy from my mom just arrived. Fun sized 3 Musketeers (one of my favs) and a Starbucks giftcard (I'm already experiencing headaches from the caffeine withdrawal.) Ughhh. Right now I am very unhappy to be drinking my lemon-maple water, which's taste is quickly losing favor with me.

3:48pm - Another one of my co-workers is now eating a portabella mushroom burger with the best looking french fries in the world. Why oh why, does the break table have to be down in the basement where I work? Right now he is taunting me with a fry, little does he know that in doing so, he is only making me stronger. I love proving people wrong.

8:13pm Home from work, lying in bed, no energy. Plan was to do laundry and wash dishes. Not gonna happen. Can barely type. But according to book, this is just a detox symptom that I need to embrace. It means the Cleanse is working. After an "elimination" tomorrow, I should feel better. Oh yeah, and after work tonight I had to stop by the grocery store to pick up more maple syrup and some measuring spoons. I almost cried.

12:17am Watched a bunch of Netflix, feeling better, even did the dishes. Getting ready for bed now, starting to feel worse again just thinking about tomorrow's salt water flush.

DAN FRIEDMAN

Well, my "night before" was last night (Sunday night), because I had to go to a steakhouse for my sister's birthday dinner, and I couldn't see explaining to my family that I was going on an insane crash diet, even if Beyoncé did it. They really have no respect for the tremendous strides Beyoncé has made in nutrition.

That being said, the meal wasn't just at any steakhouse, it was at Peter Luger Steakhouse in Brooklyn, which means that I basically ate a cow. I thought this would be a really great way to begin the Cleanse, since I'd basically be stuffing myself before completely emptying myself. Then I had last night's laxative tea. I ended up having to plunge my toilet three times. LITERALLY THREE TIMES! How disgusting is that? Not as disgusting as if you really think about the color of the water I was putting my plunger in. I actually started to feel sorry for my plunger.

I have a little beagle puppy, just over a year old, named Rosie, and she kept thinking that all the going to the bathroom, then plunging, then going to bed, then to the bathroom, then plunging, then going to bed, etc. was some sort of confusing, smelly game. And I have to agree with her.

6:50 pm - Today--my first full day on the cleanse--has been an unmitigated disaster. The pooping hasn't even been the worst problem. I mean, sure, I peed out my butt about thirty minutes after the salt water rinse, but the real problem is that the lemonade itself is making me sick. I was told that I would start to crave this stuff by the end of the first day, but it's begun to taste like what I imagine tree sap must taste like, and I can't even drink it any more.

For most of the day, I was getting stomach cramps approximately once every two minutes. I mean, horrible horrible stomach cramps. The kind of cramps that I imagine women must be complaining about when they complain about the crap that goes on with their body.

Anyway, the cramps got so bad that I thought I would vomit around 1pm... and then I did vomit, about an hour and half ago. I'm not drinking any more lemonade, right now, just sips of water, and we'll see how it feels tomorrow. I don't know if I can do the laxative tea tonight, though... I'm really afraid of dry-heaving at this point. FUN!

Day One

JEFFREY MARX

I decided to do a little video blogging along with this cleanse thing. I watched everyone's on youtube who had the same idea and figured mine wouldn't be UN-interesting. So, the first video is sort of an introduction and also a mini-tour of my new room in Brooklyn, which will be fun for those of you who haven't seen the new place yet... or if you're just a regular stranger, then enjoy being a voyeur, I would.



This morning, I woke up and had a regular "elimination" - that means "poop". The book we're reading keeps using that word and it makes me laugh and feels like I am on a reality TV show. But then again, everything makes me feel like I am on a reality TV show. Figures, since my freshman year of high school was also the very first season of The Real World. I am first in a true generation of reality TV, so it's second nature.

After my poop, I had to drink 32 oz. of salt water. At first, I thought I could do it, but it was pretty gross. I managed to chug it all down, and twenty minutes later had another poop. I was running late for rehearsal. Thankfully, Brian made my first bottle of lemonade while I was in the shower. Brian was my mommy packing me lunch and sending me out the door to catch the bus! Thanks mommy!

I went to rehearsal and felt mild hunger. I had normal energy. Someone told me they tried the cleanse awhile ago and they woke up in the middle of the night on the third day. They said they were sweaty, shaking, and hallucinating from being on the cleanse. I told him you are supposed to cleanse yourself with tea and salt water, not LSD. I am forging ahead with upbeat positivity and only the best outcome in mind, so this story didn't phase me.

On the subway home, I started feeling really hungry. I finished my first half of the days lemonade and couldn't wait to get home to make some more. When I got home, I thought I would watch an episode or two of South Park. I definitely felt hungry. Alot hungry. Halfway through the second episode, I zoned out and fell asleep. It felt like I got stuck in a foggy hole. My body just turned off for about 20 minutes. I woke up and made a batch of lemonade. I drank some and started feeling alright so I went to work on cleaning my room.

My room was a disaster. I had been neglecting cleaning up my clutter for awhile and it felt good to organize my closet and sweep under my bed. The weather today was the first blast of wintery cold. Interesting to me, the day I start the cleanse is also the first time I felt the beginning of a season change. Messy rooms and weather analogies aside, I really think I am on the brink of grounded change within myself. After quitting therapy last week and seriously taking a look at two of my relationships, I feel strong and in control. Just like Janet Jackson.



BETA FIPPEL

After very few hours of sleep last night, I intended to begin the cleanse with the salt water top-down enema this morning. However, my body started before me by "eliminating" quite a bit of... matter before I could even drink the salt water. When I get nervous, I poop. And for some reason, I'm very nervous about this whole thing. So, by the time the salt water kicked in, I didn't have very much to poop out. So far, I have to say that the worst part of the cleanse is the taste of the "lemonade". At first it's kind of fun to drink because it seems like it should be completely disgusting, but is just kind of interesting tasting. By the end of the 32 oz. that I was able to get down today (which is about half as much as I think I'm supposed to drink each day), I was really struggling to drink it. Surprisingly, it really is filling. I was barely hungry at all. All in all, my butt hasn't really attacked yet. So far it's Beta-1, Cleanse-0.

BRIAN KENNEDY

This morning I woke relieved that I didn't relieve myself in bed. Thanks to the laxative tea we had to drink last night, I was having some pretty intense pee dreams. One involved me being a call-boy for my boss (he was my pimp, not my john) at some Asian themed hotel. Jake Gyllenhaal was there as a fellow call-boy. At one point, I touched his chest. In the dream I peed in the toilet, the shower, and on the bathroom floor. I woke up with a very full bladder and thankfully, a dry bed.

I've been emptying my bladder pretty much all day. I lost count after 10, but I would wager that I peed at least 15 times today. And I'm not talking a weak little trickle here and there. It's like the Mighty Mississip flowing out of my wee little willie. (It's not really that wee.)

I'd much rather have the pee than the poops though. As team captain, I've been reading the book and here is what we have to look forward to in the poop department:

"The first cleanse I did was so bad I had to put some vitamin E on my butt for Days 2-5."

"I thought I was literally eliminating hot flames from my butt."

"I drink the SWF (salt water flush) and winthin an hour I have as many as 5 BMs."

"I eliminated some intestinal-shaped matter about three to four feet long."

"Mine gets darker and darker each day. The deeper the 'do,' the darker the hue."

"Yeah, I'm obsessive too. My favorite part is looking in the toilet to see what came out each time."

So there you have it. That's what we have to look forward to whilst poop-- er, eliminating.

DAN FRIEDMAN

Dan is eating steak right now with his sister. Too much steak. Not enough Grade-B maple syrup.

The Night Before

JEFFREY MARX

Brian and I went shopping at Whole Foods for some cleanse products. I made him unofficial team captain, since he found and read the Master Cleanse book first. The book is by Peter Glickman, I forget what it's called... Anyway, my last meal tonight was a spicy egg and cheese sandwich on an everything bagel. Well, not everything everything...I scraped off the poppy seeds, because I hate poppy seeds. I drank the last of my Raspberry Ice Crystal Light too. Then, because it was my last chance to be gluttonous, I made the last of some pasta in the cupboard with some Trader Joe's marinara sauce. Yay for final meal!

I did a show tonight at UCB where I had to eat a bunch of vanilla frosting. Gross. I am sort of fooded out right now anyway. It will probably not take much for the laxitive tea I am about to drink to start working. Brian says the label says that the tea will start working in 6-8 hours. I sincerely hope I do not shit the bed. I have a great fear of shitting the bed during this cleanse. I will be crossing my fingers!

We still have to go and get lemons and limes and bottled water from the store in the morning, but other than that, we are all set. I threw away anything in the fridge. The whole fridge is empty except for some beers and a jar of salsa I had just opened and didn't see any reason to throw away. I mean, I am not gonna get desperate to eat food in the middle of the night and drink salsa, right? RIGHT?

BETA FIPPEL

My final day before the cleanse was filled with bizarre meals that I cannot wait to get out of my system. My high school BFF was visiting from Denver, so our meals were kind of touch-and-go in between touristy activities. First, while we waited for the TKTS line to open, we had a truly disgusting "Mexican" lunch complete with lots of free chips and two alleged enchiladas. Then, after hanging out in Harlem and smelling fried fish all day, I thought it would be a good idea to eat a fried fish sandwich from some weird food court near Times Square. When I ordered it, it was clear from the cashier's face that I was the first person in a very long time (possibly ever) to be stupid enough to get the fish sandwich, but I couldn't be stopped. So I ate that (fries came with it, but they tasted like poop even with lots of ketchup on them--yes, they tasted like poop, so I tried to cover up the taste and still eat them, rather than just throwing them away). Then I had a milkshake and some slightly less disgusting fries after we went to a show. Needless to say, my body is ready for some cleansing. I had to take the BFF to the aiport at 3:30am, so I skipped the first night of laxative tea. Don't worry. I'm not setting up a precedent of cheating. I just didn't want to poop my pants while driving around lost in Queens.

BRIAN KENNEDY

I had to work today, which distracted me from having the 24-hour-pig-out/get-sloshed-a-thon that I was contemplating. For lunch we ordered in Chinese. I got my old standby of chicken and broccoli. It wasn't a very memorable last lunch, but for $4.99, I didn't expect much.

I had some time to kill in between work and before Jeffrey's show, so I decided to indulge my sweet tooth one last time. As if being pulled in by a tractor beam, I made my way over to Billy's for a little taste of cupcake heaven. As I sat at the bakery, I wondered if anyone else found it funny that I was cramming a vanilla cupcake with purple frosting into my mouth, while reading a book called Lose Weight, Have More Energy and Be Happier in 10 Days.

After Jeffrey's show we went over to Whole Foods to pick up pricey organic maple syrup, pricey non-iodized sea salt, pricey crushed cayenne pepper, and pricey poop-inducing laxative tea. I also picked up my pricey Last Supper of chicken tenders, mashed potatoes and green beans. Oh yeah, and another cupcake. (If I can't eat for 10 days, I might as well try and shovel in as much shit as possible, right?)

I've been trying to mentally prepare myself for this cleanse for the past two weeks. I'm excited to give it a go, but I don't think the reality of how hard it is going to be has set in yet. I LOVE FOOD. It's going to be difficult to give up. I eat when I'm hungry. I eat when I'm full. I eat when I'm bored. I eat when I'm stressed. I eat when I'm depressed. I eat when I'm on a vision quest. (Not really, I just didn't want the rhyming to stop.)

Here's what I'm anticipating on missing the most:





And in the liquid department:


Good god, what have I gotten myself into???


DAN FRIEDMAN

Dan is postponing the start of the cleanse by one day to celebrate his sister's birthday or something.

PS... Jon and Sophia are in Austin, TX right now. They are drunk and had BBQ ribs for dinner.

The Participants

Hello! Welcome to The Master Cleanse Blog! A group of people in the New York City area have decided to try this fast together and blog about their experiences. Following are brief bios on the particiants! Thank you for joining us on our journey... of poop!

JEFFREY MARX

I am 30 years old. I started a new diet and gym "system" at the beginning of October. I have lost 17 pounds so far. I want to do The Master Cleanse to kick-start healthier eating habits and to see what weight can be lost. I know that is not what the cleanse is for, and you gain half of it back, but let's say I lose 20 pounds and gain half back.... I just lost ten pounds then, awesome bonus! This past summer, I read 'The Secret' (twice) and have been interested in truly focusing on my physical health. Two years ago, I was in a crazy car accident that really jostled alot of things in my heart and mind. After trying out therapy for a year and a half, I think I have a decent handle on my "brain stuff", now I wanna try my hand at some physical change. I am a receptionist for money, so I will be very close to a bathroom all day. At night I usually have rehearsals or a show or theatre internship or something. I am a performer at Upright Citizen's Brigade Theater and figure, at the very least, this experience and knowledge will be used in a improv scene or sketch down the road.


BETA FIPPEL

Beta has always had a reputation for pushing her body to its limits. From trekking across the entire Inca Trail while doing a handstand to sleeping with fourteen well-hung Turkish men at once on three consecutive nights, she regards her body as a temple of experimentation. But now she thinks it's time to relocate all of the gross things inside her to toilets throughout New York. Her desire to do the Master Cleanse was ignited after reading about it or possible seeing a segment about it on Oprah or The View. She and Dan tried it once for about an hour in August of this year, but it was called off due to inclement weather. Hopefully this time it'll go more smoothly. Or at all.


BRIAN KENNEDY

I am partaking in the Lemonade Diet/Master Cleanse solely for the cleanse half of it, not the diet half. I weigh 185 lbs. I’m 6’5”. I really have no interest in losing weight. Heroin addict sheik is not my style. And while I love the Olsen Twins (Mary Kate, more than that bore Ashley), I do not care to look like them.

I am interested in the cleanse for the following reasons:

1. I love a good challenge.
2. I’m always looking for something good to blog about.
3. Ridding my body of toxins sounds like a positive thing.
4. My liver could use a break from all the excessive drinking I put it through.
5. My checkbook could use a break from all the excessive spending I put it through. And sadly, not spending money on food sounds a lot more plausible than not spending money on American Apparel t-shirts, iTunes, and unnecessary trinkets for the new apartment.
6. According to Wikipedia, Beyonce did the cleanse to prepare for her role in Dreamgirls. I love Beyonce.

Yes, I’m a little worried about the weight loss (although most people gain the majority of it back.) And yes, I’m a little worried about the early morning “oral salt water enema” (dear lord, don’t let me shit my pants on the A train.) However, I am confident that I can do this. Especially, with a little help from my friends. Not because I know that they’ll be right there with me, suffering every step of the way… but because I love a little competition.

DAN FRIEDMAN

Dan Friedman is a 24-year-old unemployed film editor applying to graduate school for playwriting. He has hated his body since he was at least 12, and this diet is revenge.

JON & SOPHIA

Jon and Sophia, or 'The Straights' as I lovingly refer to in my (Jeffrey's) blog, were also going to embark on this journey with us. They recently had their 6 year anniversary! Cute! However, when we asked to start a day early this Sunday, they decided to bail. Quitters before we even started! Here is what Sophia said to me over Gmail Gchat the other day...

I feel the need to apologize. I don't think I will be able to do this. Although my body definitely needs it. Here are my reasons:

1. Red Sox just made the World Series (lots of drinking & stress)
2. Work. Everyone in my office relies on 6 cups of coffee to function. I'm new. I need 12.
3. I'm a cunt if I don't eat carbs for more than 12 hours.
4. I'm a cunt when I don't eat at all... also I get incredible nausea if I don't eat within 12 hours.
5. Me being a cunt & jon being a douche bag due to no food = potential divorce. Since we just put 6 years into this relationship I'm not going to let some lemon & maple syrup get in the way.
6. We're away for a wedding on Sunday and they are serving tacos...

Good Luck!

Jon also wished me luck and urged me to not end up like this guy.