Brian and I went shopping at Whole Foods for some cleanse products. I made him unofficial team captain, since he found and read the Master Cleanse book first. The book is by Peter Glickman, I forget what it's called... Anyway, my last meal tonight was a spicy egg and cheese sandwich on an everything bagel. Well, not everything everything...I scraped off the poppy seeds, because I hate poppy seeds. I drank the last of my Raspberry Ice Crystal Light too. Then, because it was my last chance to be gluttonous, I made the last of some pasta in the cupboard with some Trader Joe's marinara sauce. Yay for final meal!
I did a show tonight at UCB where I had to eat a bunch of vanilla frosting. Gross. I am sort of fooded out right now anyway. It will probably not take much for the laxitive tea I am about to drink to start working. Brian says the label says that the tea will start working in 6-8 hours. I sincerely hope I do not shit the bed. I have a great fear of shitting the bed during this cleanse. I will be crossing my fingers!
We still have to go and get lemons and limes and bottled water from the store in the morning, but other than that, we are all set. I threw away anything in the fridge. The whole fridge is empty except for some beers and a jar of salsa I had just opened and didn't see any reason to throw away. I mean, I am not gonna get desperate to eat food in the middle of the night and drink salsa, right? RIGHT?
BETA FIPPEL
My final day before the cleanse was filled with bizarre meals that I cannot wait to get out of my system. My high school BFF was visiting from Denver, so our meals were kind of touch-and-go in between touristy activities. First, while we waited for the TKTS line to open, we had a truly disgusting "Mexican" lunch complete with lots of free chips and two alleged enchiladas. Then, after hanging out in Harlem and smelling fried fish all day, I thought it would be a good idea to eat a fried fish sandwich from some weird food court near Times Square. When I ordered it, it was clear from the cashier's face that I was the first person in a very long time (possibly ever) to be stupid enough to get the fish sandwich, but I couldn't be stopped. So I ate that (fries came with it, but they tasted like poop even with lots of ketchup on them--yes, they tasted like poop, so I tried to cover up the taste and still eat them, rather than just throwing them away). Then I had a milkshake and some slightly less disgusting fries after we went to a show. Needless to say, my body is ready for some cleansing. I had to take the BFF to the aiport at 3:30am, so I skipped the first night of laxative tea. Don't worry. I'm not setting up a precedent of cheating. I just didn't want to poop my pants while driving around lost in Queens.
BRIAN KENNEDY
I had to work today, which distracted me from having the 24-hour-pig-out/get-sloshed-a-thon that I was contemplating. For lunch we ordered in Chinese. I got my old standby of chicken and broccoli. It wasn't a very memorable last lunch, but for $4.99, I didn't expect much.
I had some time to kill in between work and before Jeffrey's show, so I decided to indulge my sweet tooth one last time. As if being pulled in by a tractor beam, I made my way over to Billy's for a little taste of cupcake heaven. As I sat at the bakery, I wondered if anyone else found it funny that I was cramming a vanilla cupcake with purple frosting into my mouth, while reading a book called Lose Weight, Have More Energy and Be Happier in 10 Days.
After Jeffrey's show we went over to Whole Foods to pick up pricey organic maple syrup, pricey non-iodized sea salt, pricey crushed cayenne pepper, and pricey poop-inducing laxative tea. I also picked up my pricey Last Supper of chicken tenders, mashed potatoes and green beans. Oh yeah, and another cupcake. (If I can't eat for 10 days, I might as well try and shovel in as much shit as possible, right?)
I've been trying to mentally prepare myself for this cleanse for the past two weeks. I'm excited to give it a go, but I don't think the reality of how hard it is going to be has set in yet. I LOVE FOOD. It's going to be difficult to give up. I eat when I'm hungry. I eat when I'm full. I eat when I'm bored. I eat when I'm stressed. I eat when I'm depressed. I eat when I'm on a vision quest. (Not really, I just didn't want the rhyming to stop.)
Here's what I'm anticipating on missing the most:
And in the liquid department:
Good god, what have I gotten myself into???
DAN FRIEDMAN
Dan is postponing the start of the cleanse by one day to celebrate his sister's birthday or something.
PS... Jon and Sophia are in Austin, TX right now. They are drunk and had BBQ ribs for dinner.
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