Day Three

JEFFREY MARX

10:40am - Today I woke up with a sharp, stabbing pain in what I believe to be my kidneys. I had recorded a video last night at the end of day two, but it didn't upload for some reason. It really agitated me. I will do another tonight. This morning, I made a "Master Cleanse Mix" on my iPod to help stimulate and encourage me on my walks to and from work. Here is the mix, it's amazing and I think you should have the same mix if you are doing The Cleanse. Or at least, make a inspirational mix of some kind. I'm serious. Here is a weird video for the song from "The Biggest Loser" and "Queer As Folk". They should have hired me to make this video, it's really weird for such a great song. It's all 80's student film. Ugh.



Track 1 - "Proud" by Heather Small
Track 2 - "Breakin' Up" by Rilo Kiley
Track 3 - "New Shoes" by Paolo Nutini
Track 4 - "I Feel It All" by Feist
Track 5 - "Love Is Blind" by Annie Lennox
Track 6 - "Where Is My Mind" by The Pixies
Track 7 - "Love Profusion" by Madonna
Track 8 - "Back To The Earth" by Rusted Root
Track 9 - "The Painter" - I'm From Barcelona
Track 10 - "Punchlines" - Mates of State
Track 11 - "Come A Long Way" - Michelle Shocked
Track 12 - "Happier" by Guster
Track 13 - "Be Yourself" by Morcheeba
Track 14 - "Brandy (You're a Fine Girl)" - Looking Glass

I know, "Brandy (You're a Fine Girl)" isn't particularly inspirational, but I just love it and it puts me in a great mood. You know what else puts me in a great mood? Ice, cold fountain Pepsi, onion dip, and Ruffles potato chips.

10:51am - For the past 11 minutes, I have been thinking how weird it is that the guy's voice in the 'Brandy' song doesn't match what he looks like. What a scuzzy dude! He looks like he is going to mouth-rape that microphone! I don't think I like the song as much anymore. Great, now I have to re-do my 'Master Cleanse Mix'. Also, I love that I just got paid for 11 minutes to do nothing but think of this issue.

2:05pm - I drank my lunch in the student lounge today. Much better than smelling every inch of the pizza shop in the cafeteria. I am feeling a little better! It's strange how mindful of your body you become on The Cleanse. Last night, after meditating a little bit in my bed, I made peace with the horrible pain that was building in my neck, shoulders and at some points, my legs. My point of view is that tensions and pain is exiting my body and I am resetting myself. Today, I feel like my body is churning out whatever it needs to churn out in order to reset. My body is still sore, but less so, and it feels like it needs to be, in a good way, in order to rebuild. Jesus, I sound like a fuckin' hippie. Maybe the soreness isn't all this resetting mumbo jumbo, maybe it's a warning signal my body is telling me that I am dying.

3:15pm - I went to go get the president a veggie burger. I got high off the smell of roasted chicken and macaroni and cheese in the cafeteria. I could even smell the organic soap on the college art students. My sense of smell is superhuman! I am going to be on 'Heroes'!

4:15pm - OH MY GOD! We lost another cleanser! Well, it definitely isn't for everyone, that is for sure! I didn't know Dan, like Beta did, but he was a good man in my experience. Plus, he has a really cute dog named Rosie, so that's pretty cool! Good luck, Dan! Also, I know Beta was very excited about Taco Bell's free tacos for every stolen base during that baseball game tournament, but Jon (who quit the cleanse before it even started) sent me this link today! I mean, if Jon is giving his free tacos away, why isn't he just doing The Cleanse?

5:10pm - Record 'Day 3' video. I got in a tiff with the crabby old lady who sits behind me at work as I was on my way out the door. I harnessed my emotions into an after work video. She doesn't know how to turn on her computer so I am not too worried about her finding a youtube video.



6:24pm - Just remembered Britney Spears new CD comes out today! Damn, I don't have any money until Friday! I spent all my money on lemons and toilet paper! Now, I have to go on a Britney fast too! This cleanse is probably similar to what Britney is going through this year. Poor Brit-brit. I hope she doesn't go crazy forever! I also hope I don't accidentally show everyone my vagina while I am on The Cleanse!

6:25pm - BRITNEY IS AVAILABLE TO LISTEN TO FOR FREE ON MYSPACE! Well isn't this a treat? It's like the musical version of a cheeseburger and a caramel frapuccino! OMG. I love right now!

11:59pm - About an hour ago, I noticed that my tongue is totally white. You know how E.T. and Elliot turn all white and pasty at the end of the movie because they love each other and their pain is each other's pain? Well, my tongue looks like E.T. If you're doing The Cleanse right, your tongue turns white, or so I am told. Also, my teeth have a strange acidic film over them. I assume it is from all the citric acid. While today was better than yesterday, I am still sore and weak. I hope to jump into the day tomorrow with more strength and a winning attitude with the lady from work. I fear she may become the emotional dumping ground of all that is purging from my mental and physical system. Also, Britney's new CD is an awesomely over-produced piece of sweet-ass electro-pop. I-love-it.

BETA FIPPEL

1:33pm First of all, what's the deal with Jeffrey spelling my fake name wrong?? It's Fippel. Not Fipple. Second, I feel like I must be doing something wrong, because I feel just fine. For the most part. Last night I think I jumped the gun on the laxative tea. I thought I was going to go to bed early, so I stopped drinking the lemonade and had the tea at about 10pm. Then I was up for another 2 hours and was really, really hungry. But, since I've never read the official cleanse book, I didn't know if I was allowed to have more lemonade or not, so I played it safe and just stayed hungry. I woke up at 12:40pm today, since I'm not working, and my stomach felt totally normal. I peed and farted a little, tiny fart, but no poop came out. The salt water got things moving and I expelled some pretty gnarly poo flakes, but otherwise I'm not feeling too tired or cranky or crampy or anything. And my cold seems to be passing, so I'm going to stick it out. Unless I have a relapse. For those of you who've read the book, am I doing something wrong? Should my stomach be more crazy right now? It's a little gurgly, but that's it.

4:08pm Boy are my butt cheeks red (figuratively). I was so wrong about the cleanse not working. After I posted earlier today, I pooped (and by pooped, I mean peed out of my butt) three times in a row. And now I'm just going about my daily business, watching I Love New York and so forth. Oh, and I can't believe the cleanse is happening during this! Also, apparently Dan has quit, which is disappointing, but not surprising if you know Dan. And I'd recommend just drinking orange juice today, instead of trying to eat solids. I think that's what you're supposed to do, to come off the cleanse, right? Juice for a day, soup for a day, and then take it easy solid-food-wise for a couple more days?



BRIAN KENNEDY

9:17am Very disappointed in my bowel movements. Hardly anything this morning. I think part of the problem is that I'm not drinking the flush quickly enough. Jeffrey told me to pretend it's cum, but that doesn't help me. I'm not a cum pig like Jeffrey. Also, our apartment is freezing because our stingy landlord has yet to turn on the heat, and drinking the flush makes me really cold. I'm so fragile right now! Uh-oh, my stomach just made a noise. Let's hope for a more fulfilling BM this time. I should be leaving for work right now.

9:29am Just got back from the bathroom. I've graduated to semi-solid BMs! Hooray!!! I'm sooo gonna be late for work.

9:55am - Made my lemon-maple-ade. Sat on the toilet some more. Supposed to be at work in 5 minutes. (Jeffrey, if you get home before me tonight, buy more TP before using the bathroom.)

10:37am - Made it to work (late.) Didn't crap my pants on the A train. Feeling more energetic. Thanks Master Cleanse!

3:05pm - Although Day Three is definitely treating me better than Day Two did, my thought process for every waking second is still "I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse."

8:00pm - Home from work. Day went pretty well. Felt really down around 4:30, but it quickly passed. My back is hurting again and my tongue has been rolling around my mouth all day wondering why it's so empty, but I've definitely had more energy and my caffeine headaches are gone. Also, my tongue now has a white coat over it, which is a sign that my body is detoxing. Not sure if I put that in the "annoying things about the Cleanse" or the "good things about the Cleanse" column. I like how "the Cleanse" is capitalized, like it's a cult. Jeffrey and I are doing laundry tonight and I just got back from Home Depot, where I purchased a space heater. While waiting in line at the Depot I got sort of mad thinking about the fact that I had to spend $32.50 because my landlord is too cheap to turn on the heat. But thanks to the Cleanse, I am learning to let go of such annoyances by reminding myself that things could always be worse... I could be starving.

9:48pm - The Cleanse is decidedly much easier to do at home, especially when it's just me, Jeffrey and a bunch of empty cupboards. Right now Jeffrey is making me watch Yo! Gabba Gabba, which is bascially a modren day H.R. Pufnstuf. If you are unfamiliar with either show, they're both kids shows that are not for kids. They're for adults on weed. I'm on my last glass of lemon-maple-ade for the night, but I used limes this time, quite a refreshing change. Oh yeah, I also just read that Coolio is going to have his own reality show on Oxygen. That has absolutely nothing to do with the Cleanse, but I find it hilarious. And speaking of Gangsta's Paradise, Robert Goulet just died. Sad.

DAN FRIEDMAN

10:47am I woke up six times during the night: twice to go dry-heave, twice to have stomach cramps and poop, once to just have stomach cramps without pooping, and once because my neighbor locked herself out of the building and buzzed me to let her back in. I think I probably frightened her when I picked up the intercom because I was so cranky. At least, she sounded pretty frightened when she hastily apologized four times and explained the situation and then apologized again.

The point is: I was all set to give up this morning and eat some dry white toast, but then I read Jeffrey's blog post from last night and watched the YouTube video he linked to, and it really inspired me to give it a little more time. So: I skipped the saltwater rinse, because I started it and I nearly puked, but I'm back to slowly sipping the lemonade even though it continues to taste like an Elm tree.

3:43pm That does it for me. I don't know if I'm doing the Cleanse wrong, or if my body's just not made for this abuse, or if I just have some other sickness going on, but I'm taking the Coward's Way Out™ and quitting. I've already eaten a piece of dry toast, and while I still feel crappy (with cramps and all) I think this is probably the right decision. My therapist, Dr. HHHFeld told me I should stop... and by "told me I should stop," I mean that he said I must really hate myself to be doing this to my body.

I guess this is it for me and the Master Cleanse... two attempts and failure both times. So I suppose I have to ignominiously drop out of this blog, as well. It's a sad day to be me--unlike most days. Anyway, you can still visit me at the ole Vile Monotony if you want to keep track of how the shame of failing the Cleanse is affecting me.

Hugs & Kisses,
DJ Dickmutt