JEFFREY MARX
BETA FIPPEL
It's Beta writing from the fuuuuuuture... It's a year later and Brian and I are up to our old tricks. We're doing the Master Cleanse again. Check our progress here: http://bethbrianmastercleanse.wordpress.com/
And now, back to my final post from last year:
I've really been phoning it in, Master-Cleanse-Blog-wise for the past few days, but I will now share what the Cleanse has meant to me. In list form (in the interest of continuing to phone it in):
-It got so easy to do after Day 5 that I might even try a longer Cleanse next year. I would definitely not do it more than once a year. And I will not do it again during a time when I have a weekend trip planned.
-I can have fun at a crazy drunken party while completely sober. This will come in handy during my next career as a rapist.
-Since the Cleanse, I still have the same impulses to buy unhealthy foods, but I have yet to act on the impulses, which I would have done before the Cleanse. I'm not going to waste putting myself through 2 weeks of misery by gaining all of the weight back, damn it!
-The not eating aspect of the Cleanse is not the worst part at all. Worst parts include the salt water flush, making the "lemonade", the first two days of OJ and broth after ending the cleanse, not being able to just go out for dinner/drinks (socially speaking), and trying to justify doing the cleanse to other people.
-I lost about 13.5 pounds, and hopefully I can keep off 10 of them and then lose about 20 more through diet and exercise. I'll probably be posting about that on my other blog-- poopingatwork.blogspot.com (unfortunately, I had to make it private due to the sensitive nature of some of the posts).
BRIAN KENNEDY
This morning I woke up and had my first solid BM in two weeks. And with that, the Cleanse is officially over. For my closing post, I am pretending to interview myself at my neighborhood coffee shop, over a toasted bagel with butter and coffee. Sweet, sweet coffee.
Hi, you must be Brian. Thanks so much for agreeing to do this.
No problem. [Pointing to bagel.] You're paying for this, right?
You're funny. And cute!
Please, let's keep this on a purely professional level. You're too young for me anyhow.
Right. So are glad the Cleanse is over?
Duh.
What was the hardest part for you?
Besides not eating for 10 days? Well, on the weekdays the hardest part was being at work, wishing that I was fasting in the comfort of my own home. On the weekends the hardest part was being at home, wishing that I had work as a distraction.
What has the Cleanse taught you?
That food often equals happiness for me. That it's possible for me to stay sober for over 10 days. And that there will always be poop in my butt.
Yes, about that. You often blogged about pooping and "pissing out of your ass." Aren't you afraid of alienating people by blogging about something so personal and disgusting?
That is why I don't have a boyfriend.
What did you gain from doing the Cleanse?
Nothing. I lost 10 pounds.
Well, you look like you gained at least 5 of those back after just one day of eating again. Is that 3 Musketeers I smell on your breath?
Fuck you. I don't care about my weight anyway.
Then why do you keep looking at yourself in the mirror?
Bitch please, I was always looking at myself in the mirror before I went on the Cleanse. I'm very self-obsessed like that.
So the Cleanse hasn't changed you at all?
I feel like it has changed me, at least temporarily. I have a lot more energy than I used to. And I have a much better, more positive outlook on life. I hope neither of those change. I know that they are both related to how I eat. And while I don't plan on becoming a health food Nazi, I do plan to keep a closer watch on my junk food intake. In connection to that, I've made it my goal to start cooking for myself more often. Real meals. Not just plain pasta noodles or a bowl of cereal for dinner anymore.
So you don't regret doing the Cleanse?
Not at all. I am very proud of myself. I feel like I met all my goals for this experiment.
Would you ever do it again?
Only after Father Time has sufficiently erased the horrid memories of the pain and anguish that I endured... so no, probably never.
Any advice for someone who's interested in trying the Cleanse?
Don't.
Final thoughts?
Never take your ability to eat for granted.
Great interview. So, can I take you home now?
Fine. But handies only.
THE MOTHER-LOVING END!
Thanks so much for sticking with me these past 2 weeks, dear readers. From here on out you can catch me at my less poop-centric, daily blog over here. Thanks again and good luck to anyone crazy enough to try the Cleanse!
xoxo,
Brian
DAN FRIEDMAN
What did I learn from the cleanse? I learned that even though it always feels as if there's something wrong with my body anyway, that's not a good reason to purposefully sabotage it. I learned that even though some of my friends think it's easy for me to quit things willy-nilly, I actually really torture myself over it, and I really shouldn't. I learned that I didn't really need to do the cleanse. Not that I couldn't stand to lose the weight, or even flushing out my bowels; both of those things might be good for me, or at least not bad. The real problem for me is that the cleanse is about a sweeping life change, and I just don't want a sweeping life change right now.
The cleanse--or quitting the cleanse after two and a half days--has, in fact, given me some healthy perspective. Quitting it, and feeling so good, both mentally and physically, about definitively deciding to quit it, has made me realize that I've been slowly but surely but slowly changing my life for the last year.
It was just over a year ago that I was single, jobless, and mired in the worst depression of my life. This was followed, a few months later, by one of my friends finally succumbing to the cancer that had been plaguing him for two years. But out of all this, I got into therapy, entered into a healthy, long-term relationship, decided to apply to grad school, and got my very own sweet little puppy. I may still be unemployed, but I'm at least working harder toward ending that: I've spent a significant amount of time writing on eight out of the last eleven days.
When I tried to do the cleanse just three and a half months ago, I think it would have been more helpful. But as it stands now, I'm relatively happy in my life... it could still use plenty of improvement, but I'm content to have that change continue at its current pace. Sorry to mire this blog down by not being particularly funny, but this post asked me to consider my final thoughts, and it made me feel kind of somber and contemplative.
I'm happy the cleanse worked out so well for my friends. And, in the end, it worked out well for me, too. Having been forced to reflect on what this meant to me, I've realized that I'm "on the right track." Post it.
XOXO,
Dan Friedman
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Friday, November 9, 2007
Breaking the Fast, Day Three.
BETA FIPPEL
11:47am - Yesterday, after my broth and OJ, I stuck to OJ until Butthill bought me some delicious vegetable soup after improv practice. This morning/afternoon I'm eating overpriced fruit and the only thing that could make it taste better is if it was stolen. Tonight I'll be heading over to my sister's place for some more adventurous food (lentils or tofu maybe???), so we'll see how that goes.
BRIAN KENNEDY
9:12am - I woke up this morning feeling just fine. So far, there have been no unwanted side effects from last night's salad/beer binge. I am also happy to report that today I will not be wasting any of my precious time squeezing lemons, limes or oranges. However, I will still be late to work. It's comforting to know that some things never change. Oh, and I just realized that it's been almost 48 hours since my last BM. Normally this would be a cause for concern. But today, it's a cause for celebration. Woo-Hoo!
2:51pm - Went back to chewing gum today. Orbit's Wintermint. It tastes like Christmas in my mouth.
1:36am - Tonight was the night that I had been waiting 2 Cleanse-obsessed weeks for. Through my work I was invited to go to a fancy-pants benefit dinner. It was like a wedding reception, except instead of relatives, the room was filled with rich doctors and their sequined-jacket-wearing wives, neither of whom I was forced to talk to. No, I was just there for the free food and free alcohol, both of which I consumed copious amounts of.
Round One: Appetizers. Penne alla vodka. Fried calamari. Grilled eggplant, zucchini and squash. Rosted Red peppers. Rice and beans. 2 glasses of red wine.
Round Two: Main Course. Smoked salmon. Green beans with butter, cranberries and walnuts. Two gin & tonics.
Round Three: Dessert. One strawberry dipped in chocolate. One bite-sized shortbread cookie. One cup of coffee.
Actually, considering the way I usually eat when free food is laid before me, I showed quite a bit of restraint tonight. I played it safe and stayed away from all meat and heavier bread-like products. I ate small, reasonable portions. I stopped eating my main course when I felt full. And I really held back on desserts. I didn't even stick around for the cake to be served! I guess for me the Cleanse was sort of like getting gastric bypass surgery. Instead of eating like this, I now eat like this. Let's just hope that everything comes out in a normal, civilized fashion tomorrow.
11:47am - Yesterday, after my broth and OJ, I stuck to OJ until Butthill bought me some delicious vegetable soup after improv practice. This morning/afternoon I'm eating overpriced fruit and the only thing that could make it taste better is if it was stolen. Tonight I'll be heading over to my sister's place for some more adventurous food (lentils or tofu maybe???), so we'll see how that goes.
BRIAN KENNEDY
9:12am - I woke up this morning feeling just fine. So far, there have been no unwanted side effects from last night's salad/beer binge. I am also happy to report that today I will not be wasting any of my precious time squeezing lemons, limes or oranges. However, I will still be late to work. It's comforting to know that some things never change. Oh, and I just realized that it's been almost 48 hours since my last BM. Normally this would be a cause for concern. But today, it's a cause for celebration. Woo-Hoo!
2:51pm - Went back to chewing gum today. Orbit's Wintermint. It tastes like Christmas in my mouth.
1:36am - Tonight was the night that I had been waiting 2 Cleanse-obsessed weeks for. Through my work I was invited to go to a fancy-pants benefit dinner. It was like a wedding reception, except instead of relatives, the room was filled with rich doctors and their sequined-jacket-wearing wives, neither of whom I was forced to talk to. No, I was just there for the free food and free alcohol, both of which I consumed copious amounts of.
Round One: Appetizers. Penne alla vodka. Fried calamari. Grilled eggplant, zucchini and squash. Rosted Red peppers. Rice and beans. 2 glasses of red wine.
Round Two: Main Course. Smoked salmon. Green beans with butter, cranberries and walnuts. Two gin & tonics.
Round Three: Dessert. One strawberry dipped in chocolate. One bite-sized shortbread cookie. One cup of coffee.
Actually, considering the way I usually eat when free food is laid before me, I showed quite a bit of restraint tonight. I played it safe and stayed away from all meat and heavier bread-like products. I ate small, reasonable portions. I stopped eating my main course when I felt full. And I really held back on desserts. I didn't even stick around for the cake to be served! I guess for me the Cleanse was sort of like getting gastric bypass surgery. Instead of eating like this, I now eat like this. Let's just hope that everything comes out in a normal, civilized fashion tomorrow.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Breaking the Fast, Day Two.
JEFFREY MARX
8:15pm - Tonight, I am readying for my webcam conversation with Ram Dass. I'm very interested/excited/nervous about it. The nervous part comes from having to use the webcam. I'm not very tech savvy with those things. All poop was perfect today. Barring any further complications, I will not be back on The Master Cleanse Blog...I will be here.
BETA FIPPEL
2:01pm - Brian was right. Broth is the most delicious thing ever! Yesterday was a little rough. By the end of the day, having had only a few servings of OJ, I was feeling pretty crappy. Brian and I did a 5 minute improv set during which it seemed like we were on a 10 second delay. Very slow. For me, it was mostly because I felt like I was going to faint the whole time. Now I'm starting my day off (yes, I just woke up--sure is sweet to be part-time again) with some really good store-bought broth. I couldn't find any low-sodium broth, so I'm hoping my body doesn't think this is the salt-water flush.
BRIAN KENNEDY
9:05am - This morning I am all set to go. I won't be back home until the wee hours of the night, so I must carry all my provision with me. I feel like I'm loading up the wagon, getting ready for my travels down the Oregon Trail. I have my fresh squeezed o.j. for breakfast. Broth for lunch. Broth for dinner. And a small zip lock baggie full of veggies. Yes, that's right, tonight I am going to attempt to return to solids. I'm actually a little scared. What happens if I die? Not only do I have to worry about cholera, rattlesnake bites, and Indians burning down my wagon... but what if my body rejects solid foods? If I do die, I want my tombstone to read: "Here lies Brian. He survived dysentery, but not a carrot stick."
2:55pm - OMG. I just ate. Food, not liquid. A few slices of red and green pepper, and I'm quickly moving on to the carrot sticks. It's hard to describe what it feels like to be eating again. I sort of had to retrain my mouth on how to chew. It seems very surreal. And honestly, it's a bit of a let down. I half expected blinding rays of light and a chorus of heavenly angels after my first bite. But so far, nothing magical has happened.
3:45pm - I should not have fed the beast. No stomach problems as of yet… just more hunger. They say that after you finish the cleanse your body resets itself, and you should be craving healthier, more natural foods. Right now, I am craving everything. I just have to be patient and wait. I had my small bag of veggies for a snack, and for dinner… I might try a banana. When, oh when, does this get easier again?
1:40am - Tonight, I tempted fate. After rehearsal Beta and I went out with two of our teammates to ye old sports bar. Normally at ye old sports bar I like to indulge in something fried and greasy, like chicken fingers, mozzarella sticks or fries. Obviously, my body is not ready for any of those delicious delectables yet, so instead I settled on a very disappointing $9 plate of romaine lettuce with parmesan cheese and cesar dressing. The only satisfying part of the salad was the croutons, but I only allowed myself to eat three, as eating bread products is a big step that I want to ease into. I probably would have been happier without ordering any food, but old habits die hard and I really wanted a beer. I figured it wasn't a good idea to drink on 10 day empty stomach. My secondary reason for getting a beer (my primary being that I'm a lush) was in the name of research. Tomorrow night I have a work benefit dinner to go to and there is going to be FREE alcohol. So tonight was sort of my test drive, which I passed and with a much higher score than my actual drivers license test. I had expected to blackout after half a beer, but I actually didn't even feel drunk. Just nice and buzzed. And warm. And tingly. Okay, so maybe I was a little drunk. Good god, has it's been so long that I've forgotten what being drunk feels like? What sort of world am I living in?
8:15pm - Tonight, I am readying for my webcam conversation with Ram Dass. I'm very interested/excited/nervous about it. The nervous part comes from having to use the webcam. I'm not very tech savvy with those things. All poop was perfect today. Barring any further complications, I will not be back on The Master Cleanse Blog...I will be here.
BETA FIPPEL
2:01pm - Brian was right. Broth is the most delicious thing ever! Yesterday was a little rough. By the end of the day, having had only a few servings of OJ, I was feeling pretty crappy. Brian and I did a 5 minute improv set during which it seemed like we were on a 10 second delay. Very slow. For me, it was mostly because I felt like I was going to faint the whole time. Now I'm starting my day off (yes, I just woke up--sure is sweet to be part-time again) with some really good store-bought broth. I couldn't find any low-sodium broth, so I'm hoping my body doesn't think this is the salt-water flush.
BRIAN KENNEDY
9:05am - This morning I am all set to go. I won't be back home until the wee hours of the night, so I must carry all my provision with me. I feel like I'm loading up the wagon, getting ready for my travels down the Oregon Trail. I have my fresh squeezed o.j. for breakfast. Broth for lunch. Broth for dinner. And a small zip lock baggie full of veggies. Yes, that's right, tonight I am going to attempt to return to solids. I'm actually a little scared. What happens if I die? Not only do I have to worry about cholera, rattlesnake bites, and Indians burning down my wagon... but what if my body rejects solid foods? If I do die, I want my tombstone to read: "Here lies Brian. He survived dysentery, but not a carrot stick."
2:55pm - OMG. I just ate. Food, not liquid. A few slices of red and green pepper, and I'm quickly moving on to the carrot sticks. It's hard to describe what it feels like to be eating again. I sort of had to retrain my mouth on how to chew. It seems very surreal. And honestly, it's a bit of a let down. I half expected blinding rays of light and a chorus of heavenly angels after my first bite. But so far, nothing magical has happened.
3:45pm - I should not have fed the beast. No stomach problems as of yet… just more hunger. They say that after you finish the cleanse your body resets itself, and you should be craving healthier, more natural foods. Right now, I am craving everything. I just have to be patient and wait. I had my small bag of veggies for a snack, and for dinner… I might try a banana. When, oh when, does this get easier again?
1:40am - Tonight, I tempted fate. After rehearsal Beta and I went out with two of our teammates to ye old sports bar. Normally at ye old sports bar I like to indulge in something fried and greasy, like chicken fingers, mozzarella sticks or fries. Obviously, my body is not ready for any of those delicious delectables yet, so instead I settled on a very disappointing $9 plate of romaine lettuce with parmesan cheese and cesar dressing. The only satisfying part of the salad was the croutons, but I only allowed myself to eat three, as eating bread products is a big step that I want to ease into. I probably would have been happier without ordering any food, but old habits die hard and I really wanted a beer. I figured it wasn't a good idea to drink on 10 day empty stomach. My secondary reason for getting a beer (my primary being that I'm a lush) was in the name of research. Tomorrow night I have a work benefit dinner to go to and there is going to be FREE alcohol. So tonight was sort of my test drive, which I passed and with a much higher score than my actual drivers license test. I had expected to blackout after half a beer, but I actually didn't even feel drunk. Just nice and buzzed. And warm. And tingly. Okay, so maybe I was a little drunk. Good god, has it's been so long that I've forgotten what being drunk feels like? What sort of world am I living in?
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Breaking the Fast, Day One.
JEFFREY MARX
7:45pm - So, I am freaking out that I didn't do this Probiotical stuff. My digestion isn't quite back to normal and I feel a little light-headed if I am not eating at certain times. It sort of feels like how my mom describes her diabetes/low-blood sugar "spells". Did I fuck myself up? In other news, the taste of a salad and cantaloupe is much more preferable than a cheeseburger and Jack Daniels. Strange.
BETA FIPPEL
9:55am - I woke up this morning and had (hopefully) one of my last experiences of peeing from the butt. Now I'm at work getting ready to dilute my orange juice (I'm drinking OJ from concentrate rather than fresh-squeezed--hopefully it won't ruin the Cleanse) and take the probiotics that Brian was kind enough to give me last night. Speaking of probiotics, the bottle Brian gave me has two stickers on it. One says "Refrigerate" and the other says "To be taken rectally." Luckily Brian told me that I only really had to do the former. Also, there's been some confusion about what probiotics are, so I'll share my oversimplified explanation. Probiotics provide the "good" bacteria that helps with various body functions (most notably, digestion). Foods like yogurt do the same, but since we're supposed to be avoiding dairy, it's rectal pills all the way!
1:47pm - I'm dying of hunger! Help! If only I had some delicious "Lemonade" to help stave off the hunger...
BRIAN KENNEDY
8:01am - According to the book it takes 3 days to break the fast. I've decided to keep blogging on here until the fast is officially over and the new me emerges from it's cocoon of starvation, like a beautiful, emaciated butterfly. Let me start by noting that I lost 10 pounds on this cleanse. And honest to god, I hope to gain it all back. Right now I look like I've been doing extra work on the set of Schindler's List. It's not very becoming.
In order to break the fast, and gain some weight back, the book suggest the following eating schedule for the next 3 days:
Day 1: Fresh squeezed orange juice, cut with water, all day long.
Day 2: O.J. for breakfast, homemade vegetable soup (broth only) for lunch, vegetable soup (broth and veggies) for dinner.
Day 3: O.J. for breakfast, soup for lunch, small salad for dinner.
Kind of disappointing, right? It feels like my mind has tricked my body by promising it that the cleanse will be over today, when really I don't get any solids for another 2 days. This subject of breaking the cleanse is a bit of a hot topic on the online forum that I've been browsing. Of course if you go back to solids and pig out too soon, you body is going to get sick. But many people state that the suggested method for breaking the cleanse takes things a little too cautiously. I myself am hoping to speed up the process a bit, as I have a benefit dinner for work to go to on Friday. And if there's endless free food, I'll be damned if all I'm gonna eat is a salad. Of course, I will be careful and listen to my body. I remember one time in high school when I fasted for a day (for some "End World Hunger" bullshit.) The next morning when I woke up I proceed to drink a glass of cranberry juice and then immediately barf all over the place. I got to take the day off from school, which was great, but I also remember my mom getting really mad at me. Today I plan to slowly sip my O.J., but for dinner I might try to introduce some broth into my system. If I vomit, at least there won't be anyone there to yell at me.
9:33am - Instead of my hands smelling like lemons today, they smell like oranges. What a refreshing change!
3:23pm - Just finished my second helping of O.J. for the day. It's like a refreshing citrus party in my mouth, and thankfully, no one invited the cayenne pepper. I'm still not hungry, but I have been constantly thinking about food all day. I wish I had a time machine.I would set it for Friday afternoon. My coworker is eating french fries again, and while I know I can't eat one, I am tempted to suck on one. It's hard knowing that technically, the cleanse is over... yet I still can't eat anything. As a small reward, I did go to Rite Aid and purchased some cherry flavored chap stick which I have been applying liberally all day. These days, it's the little things that count.
8:37pm - After work I went to Gristedes. Never in my life had I been so excited to be shopping for groceries. In order to make my veggie broth tonight I bought carrots, mushrooms, red and green peppers, potatoes and basil. Not really sure if there was a certain way to make the "homemade broth" that the book talks about, I just chopped everything up and threw it into a pot of boiling water. I even added some sea salt and cayenne for old times' sake. Right now it smells AMAZING. Without my lemon-maple water, hunger has definitely set in. It took every last ounce of self-control not to sneak a taste while chopping. I am craving veggies like mad right now. Had I the choice between a veggie platter and a plate of french fries, I'd go for the veggies without hesitation. It makes me sad to think that when my soup is done cooking, I will have to strain the veggies and throw them out. No solids today. Heck, I'm not even supposed to be having the broth tonight. But I took my probiotics like a good little boy this morning. And the orange juice didn't seem to upset my stomach at all. So now, drinking a little bit of hot vegetable water, is a risk I'm more than willing to take.
9:12pm - I've dubbed my broth "Better Than Sex Soup." It seriously tastes like it's making love to my mouth right now. As predicted, it was hard to throw the veggies out. As soon as I dumped them in the trash can, I took the garbage out.. just to be sure that I wouldn't be tempted.
DAN FRIEDMAN
11:39am - I know that I've officially quit the cleanse over a week ago, but I just wanted to use this space to give a shout-out Beta and Brian for completing the Master Cleanse. "Congratulations, Beta and Brian!" According to Wikipedia, "a shout-out is a greeting or acknowledgment of a person, group, or organization of significance. It is often done as a sign of respect, synonymous with 'giving props.' " So, enjoy these props in a digestively responsible manner.
7:45pm - So, I am freaking out that I didn't do this Probiotical stuff. My digestion isn't quite back to normal and I feel a little light-headed if I am not eating at certain times. It sort of feels like how my mom describes her diabetes/low-blood sugar "spells". Did I fuck myself up? In other news, the taste of a salad and cantaloupe is much more preferable than a cheeseburger and Jack Daniels. Strange.
BETA FIPPEL
9:55am - I woke up this morning and had (hopefully) one of my last experiences of peeing from the butt. Now I'm at work getting ready to dilute my orange juice (I'm drinking OJ from concentrate rather than fresh-squeezed--hopefully it won't ruin the Cleanse) and take the probiotics that Brian was kind enough to give me last night. Speaking of probiotics, the bottle Brian gave me has two stickers on it. One says "Refrigerate" and the other says "To be taken rectally." Luckily Brian told me that I only really had to do the former. Also, there's been some confusion about what probiotics are, so I'll share my oversimplified explanation. Probiotics provide the "good" bacteria that helps with various body functions (most notably, digestion). Foods like yogurt do the same, but since we're supposed to be avoiding dairy, it's rectal pills all the way!
1:47pm - I'm dying of hunger! Help! If only I had some delicious "Lemonade" to help stave off the hunger...
BRIAN KENNEDY
8:01am - According to the book it takes 3 days to break the fast. I've decided to keep blogging on here until the fast is officially over and the new me emerges from it's cocoon of starvation, like a beautiful, emaciated butterfly. Let me start by noting that I lost 10 pounds on this cleanse. And honest to god, I hope to gain it all back. Right now I look like I've been doing extra work on the set of Schindler's List. It's not very becoming.
In order to break the fast, and gain some weight back, the book suggest the following eating schedule for the next 3 days:
Day 1: Fresh squeezed orange juice, cut with water, all day long.
Day 2: O.J. for breakfast, homemade vegetable soup (broth only) for lunch, vegetable soup (broth and veggies) for dinner.
Day 3: O.J. for breakfast, soup for lunch, small salad for dinner.
Kind of disappointing, right? It feels like my mind has tricked my body by promising it that the cleanse will be over today, when really I don't get any solids for another 2 days. This subject of breaking the cleanse is a bit of a hot topic on the online forum that I've been browsing. Of course if you go back to solids and pig out too soon, you body is going to get sick. But many people state that the suggested method for breaking the cleanse takes things a little too cautiously. I myself am hoping to speed up the process a bit, as I have a benefit dinner for work to go to on Friday. And if there's endless free food, I'll be damned if all I'm gonna eat is a salad. Of course, I will be careful and listen to my body. I remember one time in high school when I fasted for a day (for some "End World Hunger" bullshit.) The next morning when I woke up I proceed to drink a glass of cranberry juice and then immediately barf all over the place. I got to take the day off from school, which was great, but I also remember my mom getting really mad at me. Today I plan to slowly sip my O.J., but for dinner I might try to introduce some broth into my system. If I vomit, at least there won't be anyone there to yell at me.
9:33am - Instead of my hands smelling like lemons today, they smell like oranges. What a refreshing change!
3:23pm - Just finished my second helping of O.J. for the day. It's like a refreshing citrus party in my mouth, and thankfully, no one invited the cayenne pepper. I'm still not hungry, but I have been constantly thinking about food all day. I wish I had a time machine.I would set it for Friday afternoon. My coworker is eating french fries again, and while I know I can't eat one, I am tempted to suck on one. It's hard knowing that technically, the cleanse is over... yet I still can't eat anything. As a small reward, I did go to Rite Aid and purchased some cherry flavored chap stick which I have been applying liberally all day. These days, it's the little things that count.
8:37pm - After work I went to Gristedes. Never in my life had I been so excited to be shopping for groceries. In order to make my veggie broth tonight I bought carrots, mushrooms, red and green peppers, potatoes and basil. Not really sure if there was a certain way to make the "homemade broth" that the book talks about, I just chopped everything up and threw it into a pot of boiling water. I even added some sea salt and cayenne for old times' sake. Right now it smells AMAZING. Without my lemon-maple water, hunger has definitely set in. It took every last ounce of self-control not to sneak a taste while chopping. I am craving veggies like mad right now. Had I the choice between a veggie platter and a plate of french fries, I'd go for the veggies without hesitation. It makes me sad to think that when my soup is done cooking, I will have to strain the veggies and throw them out. No solids today. Heck, I'm not even supposed to be having the broth tonight. But I took my probiotics like a good little boy this morning. And the orange juice didn't seem to upset my stomach at all. So now, drinking a little bit of hot vegetable water, is a risk I'm more than willing to take.
9:12pm - I've dubbed my broth "Better Than Sex Soup." It seriously tastes like it's making love to my mouth right now. As predicted, it was hard to throw the veggies out. As soon as I dumped them in the trash can, I took the garbage out.. just to be sure that I wouldn't be tempted.
DAN FRIEDMAN
11:39am - I know that I've officially quit the cleanse over a week ago, but I just wanted to use this space to give a shout-out Beta and Brian for completing the Master Cleanse. "Congratulations, Beta and Brian!" According to Wikipedia, "a shout-out is a greeting or acknowledgment of a person, group, or organization of significance. It is often done as a sign of respect, synonymous with 'giving props.' " So, enjoy these props in a digestively responsible manner.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Day Ten
JEFFREY MARX
11:05pm - Probiotics? Shit! Did I miss a step in coming off The Cleanse? I definitely feel weird "digesty stuff" happening and thought that would pan out by now. I am having a slumber party at Cody's apartment. We ate canteloupe and drank OJ. I love OJ. Tonight, in my improv show, I played a fat kid who couldn't fit inside a rollercoaster.... and the beat goes on, the beat goes on...
BETA FIPPEL
12:55pm - Mama Mia! Things sure are getting heated in the comments section of this blog. In other news, I'm not sure if you've heard, but it's the LAST DAY OF THE CLEANSE!!!! I woke up late (no work today) and did the salt water flush, which went straight through me (because I want to be just like Brian). Now I'm sitting here doing research on what I'm supposed to consume for the next few days. I really, truly cannot believe that I just did this for 10 days (almost). And that, for the most part, I was able to maintain my busy life as I normally would. Can't wait for orange juice tomorrow. For now, I'd better go buy some probiotics or something.
5:54pm - I'm about to head off to my improv class, but figured I should do a little bit of Cleanse reflection beforehand. When I get my Golden Lemon tonight at the Master Cleanse Awards show (I stole this idea from Brian, even though his entry is below mine), I'll be taking the negative anti-thanks route. I will reverse-thank the amount of time I've wasted during the past 10 days squeezing lemons. I will reverse-thank all of the people who thought it would be cute or funny to offer me lots of food to eat. And I will reverse-thank salt for making me want to die every morning for 10 days. But, like Brian, the big thanks goes to my butt for putting up with all of the abuse during the Cleanse. Also Jeffrey and Dan for supporting me even after they stopped and quit respectively. And I would thank Craitzy for putting up with me being on the Cleanse while I visited her in Boston, but since she and Jeffrey are enemies, it might be too controversial to thank her.
11:59pm - It's the end of Day 10! I'm having my last cup of laxative tea right now and looking forward to tomorrow!!
BRIAN KENNEDY
7:26am - LAST. SALT. WATER. FLUSH. EVER.
8:49am - My tongue is slowly starting to turn pink again, a sign that my body is almost done detoxing. Another sign is that I just had 3 eliminations in 30 minutes! That's the fastest the salt water flush has played me yet. Mostly liquid too. The brown poopy flakes are almost gone. I think I'm going to make a cereal called Brown Poopy Flakes. It's mascot will be this, and if you save up enough UPCs you can send in for a toilet shaped cereal bowel. Delicious.
1:16pm – I'm writing my acceptance speech for when I receive the Golden Lemon at tonight's Master Cleanse Awards 2007. Here's who I have to thank so far: Jeffrey, for helping me make it thorough the first few days; my TiVo and my Netflix account, for the distraction; Yogi Tea, the makers of "Get Regular". Beta, for sticking with me for all 10 days of this bitch; my toilet, for putting up with all of my shit; and of course my butt, for being such a trooper through out this whole ordeal.
6:47pm - I just made my last batch of lemon/maple juice for LIFE! You don't even know how excited I am. The next time I see maple syrup, it better be on a stack of buttermilk pancakes. The next time I see a lemon or a lime, it better be in a vodka & tonic or gin & tonic, respectively. The next time I see cayenne pepper... it better be in whatever food you season with cayenne pepper that I'm about to eat!
11:05pm - Probiotics? Shit! Did I miss a step in coming off The Cleanse? I definitely feel weird "digesty stuff" happening and thought that would pan out by now. I am having a slumber party at Cody's apartment. We ate canteloupe and drank OJ. I love OJ. Tonight, in my improv show, I played a fat kid who couldn't fit inside a rollercoaster.... and the beat goes on, the beat goes on...
BETA FIPPEL
12:55pm - Mama Mia! Things sure are getting heated in the comments section of this blog. In other news, I'm not sure if you've heard, but it's the LAST DAY OF THE CLEANSE!!!! I woke up late (no work today) and did the salt water flush, which went straight through me (because I want to be just like Brian). Now I'm sitting here doing research on what I'm supposed to consume for the next few days. I really, truly cannot believe that I just did this for 10 days (almost). And that, for the most part, I was able to maintain my busy life as I normally would. Can't wait for orange juice tomorrow. For now, I'd better go buy some probiotics or something.
5:54pm - I'm about to head off to my improv class, but figured I should do a little bit of Cleanse reflection beforehand. When I get my Golden Lemon tonight at the Master Cleanse Awards show (I stole this idea from Brian, even though his entry is below mine), I'll be taking the negative anti-thanks route. I will reverse-thank the amount of time I've wasted during the past 10 days squeezing lemons. I will reverse-thank all of the people who thought it would be cute or funny to offer me lots of food to eat. And I will reverse-thank salt for making me want to die every morning for 10 days. But, like Brian, the big thanks goes to my butt for putting up with all of the abuse during the Cleanse. Also Jeffrey and Dan for supporting me even after they stopped and quit respectively. And I would thank Craitzy for putting up with me being on the Cleanse while I visited her in Boston, but since she and Jeffrey are enemies, it might be too controversial to thank her.
11:59pm - It's the end of Day 10! I'm having my last cup of laxative tea right now and looking forward to tomorrow!!
BRIAN KENNEDY
7:26am - LAST. SALT. WATER. FLUSH. EVER.
8:49am - My tongue is slowly starting to turn pink again, a sign that my body is almost done detoxing. Another sign is that I just had 3 eliminations in 30 minutes! That's the fastest the salt water flush has played me yet. Mostly liquid too. The brown poopy flakes are almost gone. I think I'm going to make a cereal called Brown Poopy Flakes. It's mascot will be this, and if you save up enough UPCs you can send in for a toilet shaped cereal bowel. Delicious.
1:16pm – I'm writing my acceptance speech for when I receive the Golden Lemon at tonight's Master Cleanse Awards 2007. Here's who I have to thank so far: Jeffrey, for helping me make it thorough the first few days; my TiVo and my Netflix account, for the distraction; Yogi Tea, the makers of "Get Regular". Beta, for sticking with me for all 10 days of this bitch; my toilet, for putting up with all of my shit; and of course my butt, for being such a trooper through out this whole ordeal.
6:47pm - I just made my last batch of lemon/maple juice for LIFE! You don't even know how excited I am. The next time I see maple syrup, it better be on a stack of buttermilk pancakes. The next time I see a lemon or a lime, it better be in a vodka & tonic or gin & tonic, respectively. The next time I see cayenne pepper... it better be in whatever food you season with cayenne pepper that I'm about to eat!
Monday, November 5, 2007
Day Nine
JEFFREY MARX
1:03am - It's not living in New York that can make a person crazy. It's the people who live here. Today, one of my best friends, Eric, and I decided that everyone is crazy. That makes me feel better. Do crazy people know they are going crazy? I don't think so. I am safe. I finally took a giant crap and feel better. For dinner, I had veggie pizza on a whole wheat crust (no cheese) and a ton of water. Veggies are my new favorite food. They tasted sooo good. Like there was a party in my tummy!
5:32pm - Great energy today. I feel on track, digestively speaking. I would expand more, but will keep my section on the cleanse blog on topic. Congrats to Beth and Brian who are about to be on Day 10! I'm working out of the office this week, so maybe I'll update and maybe I won't. Peace!
5:34pm - One last thing... The Cleanse hasn't been about the food for me. I think it means different things to different people. So, to say 'I effectively ended the cleanse the second you started eating all that stupid food' doesn't really have bearing on what I learned (and am trying to live) from The Cleanse. I can't wait to watch 'Prison Break' tonight!
BETA FIPPEL
10:50am - For the past couple of days, I've woken up with some pretty wicked heartburn. I guess that's to be expected when one is consuming so much citric acid, right? I'm hoping that now that I'm back to hand-squeezing the lemons, thereby basically eliminating the pulp, I can get rid of the 'burn. I'm not sure if the addition of pulp is what's been causing it. We'll see. I know you're on the edge of your seat right now, so I'll let you know first thing tomorrow. Also, my sense of smell is definitely heightened. Which isn't a good thing in New York. Especially at Union Square. Is it just me or does every other square foot in Union Square smell like vomit??
1:50pm - I just got a raise! I think it's the Cleanse.
BRIAN KENNEDY
9:01am - As Beta posted last night, I think these last two days of the cleanse are going to be pretty easy. At this point it's all routine. The salt water flushes are no biggie, I can handle being around food and just appreciating it for the smell, and I've even lost interest in examining my poop. I really do feel great, like I have a whole new attitude on life. And soon, I hope to be dressing like this
11:38am - Okay, I know I just posted that I have grown tired of looking at my poop… but then something exciting happened! As per usual, liquid was flowing out of my very tired a-hole, when all of the sudden, I felt something solid squeeze past. Glory, glory, it was a tini tiny turdlette! I was pretty excited. Granted, it was no bigger than a rasinette, but still, this is the first time my butt has passed something solid since Day Two. I'm not really sure what it could be since I haven't eaten anything in over 200 hours. My only thought is that perhaps it's the accumulation of 8 days worth of lemon and lime pulp. Whatever it is, I'll take it!
7:50pm - As good as I feel, I would be lying if I didn't say that I am very much looking forward for this cleanse to be over. Although I am not at all hungry, I am still missing food. A lot. One of the most important things that this cleanse has revealed to me, is how codependent my mood is on food. I can't tell you how many time I was bored/stressed/irritated at work this last week and found myself saying, "God, if I could just run across the street to the deli and get a snack like I usually do, I would feel SO MUCH BETTER right now." But instead of doing so, I had to push though whatever emotion was bothering me, or wait until it passed. I'd like to think that post-cleanse I will be able to continue to face my moodiness without resorting to food, but honestly, I just don't see that happening. Hopefully, the least I can do is make a conscious effort to change what types of foods I am using to comfort myself with. One of my favorite things to snack on is raw nuts. (Am I the only one who giggled at that?) But recently, pre-cleanse, I started sliding down that slippery junk food slope. Cool Ranch Doritos, cookies, muffins, scones, Reese's Pieces, Peanut M&M's, Chipwiches!. I am hoping that the completion of this cleanse will at least help me to curb such naughty cravings. The nuts are probably okay to stay. But on top of that I'd like to try and add a lot more fruits and veggies. Mmmm, my mouth is starting to water just thinking about it!
On a related codependency note, I can't believe that I have gone 9 days without any alcohol! Seriously, when do I get my first sobriety chip? I can't remember that last time that I abstained from liquor for this long. It had to have been before I started drinking. So that would be... 4th grade? (J/K I didn't start drinking until college. Settle down you prudes!) But seriously, I am an alcoholic. Sadly, it didn't take the cleanse to teach me that. I already knew.
1:03am - It's not living in New York that can make a person crazy. It's the people who live here. Today, one of my best friends, Eric, and I decided that everyone is crazy. That makes me feel better. Do crazy people know they are going crazy? I don't think so. I am safe. I finally took a giant crap and feel better. For dinner, I had veggie pizza on a whole wheat crust (no cheese) and a ton of water. Veggies are my new favorite food. They tasted sooo good. Like there was a party in my tummy!
5:32pm - Great energy today. I feel on track, digestively speaking. I would expand more, but will keep my section on the cleanse blog on topic. Congrats to Beth and Brian who are about to be on Day 10! I'm working out of the office this week, so maybe I'll update and maybe I won't. Peace!
5:34pm - One last thing... The Cleanse hasn't been about the food for me. I think it means different things to different people. So, to say 'I effectively ended the cleanse the second you started eating all that stupid food' doesn't really have bearing on what I learned (and am trying to live) from The Cleanse. I can't wait to watch 'Prison Break' tonight!
BETA FIPPEL
10:50am - For the past couple of days, I've woken up with some pretty wicked heartburn. I guess that's to be expected when one is consuming so much citric acid, right? I'm hoping that now that I'm back to hand-squeezing the lemons, thereby basically eliminating the pulp, I can get rid of the 'burn. I'm not sure if the addition of pulp is what's been causing it. We'll see. I know you're on the edge of your seat right now, so I'll let you know first thing tomorrow. Also, my sense of smell is definitely heightened. Which isn't a good thing in New York. Especially at Union Square. Is it just me or does every other square foot in Union Square smell like vomit??
1:50pm - I just got a raise! I think it's the Cleanse.
BRIAN KENNEDY
9:01am - As Beta posted last night, I think these last two days of the cleanse are going to be pretty easy. At this point it's all routine. The salt water flushes are no biggie, I can handle being around food and just appreciating it for the smell, and I've even lost interest in examining my poop. I really do feel great, like I have a whole new attitude on life. And soon, I hope to be dressing like this
11:38am - Okay, I know I just posted that I have grown tired of looking at my poop… but then something exciting happened! As per usual, liquid was flowing out of my very tired a-hole, when all of the sudden, I felt something solid squeeze past. Glory, glory, it was a tini tiny turdlette! I was pretty excited. Granted, it was no bigger than a rasinette, but still, this is the first time my butt has passed something solid since Day Two. I'm not really sure what it could be since I haven't eaten anything in over 200 hours. My only thought is that perhaps it's the accumulation of 8 days worth of lemon and lime pulp. Whatever it is, I'll take it!
7:50pm - As good as I feel, I would be lying if I didn't say that I am very much looking forward for this cleanse to be over. Although I am not at all hungry, I am still missing food. A lot. One of the most important things that this cleanse has revealed to me, is how codependent my mood is on food. I can't tell you how many time I was bored/stressed/irritated at work this last week and found myself saying, "God, if I could just run across the street to the deli and get a snack like I usually do, I would feel SO MUCH BETTER right now." But instead of doing so, I had to push though whatever emotion was bothering me, or wait until it passed. I'd like to think that post-cleanse I will be able to continue to face my moodiness without resorting to food, but honestly, I just don't see that happening. Hopefully, the least I can do is make a conscious effort to change what types of foods I am using to comfort myself with. One of my favorite things to snack on is raw nuts. (Am I the only one who giggled at that?) But recently, pre-cleanse, I started sliding down that slippery junk food slope. Cool Ranch Doritos, cookies, muffins, scones, Reese's Pieces, Peanut M&M's, Chipwiches!. I am hoping that the completion of this cleanse will at least help me to curb such naughty cravings. The nuts are probably okay to stay. But on top of that I'd like to try and add a lot more fruits and veggies. Mmmm, my mouth is starting to water just thinking about it!
On a related codependency note, I can't believe that I have gone 9 days without any alcohol! Seriously, when do I get my first sobriety chip? I can't remember that last time that I abstained from liquor for this long. It had to have been before I started drinking. So that would be... 4th grade? (J/K I didn't start drinking until college. Settle down you prudes!) But seriously, I am an alcoholic. Sadly, it didn't take the cleanse to teach me that. I already knew.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Day Eight
JEFFREY MARX
12:02pm - I had a cheeseburger last night. My body was craving meaty protein. I ate some vegetables too. Also, I ventured into giving some Jack Daniels a spin. OMG. Drunk on one drink! I am such a cheap date now! I only had two cocktails and was pretty good. I guess that's one way to cut out liquor! I also tried to eat a Reese's PB cup and it was so gross. I'm not a huge sugar person anyway, but its good to know I am not really worried about candy. However, this morning is not a good day in the elimination department. Note to cleansers - do not eat a cheeseburger too soon after no matter how much your body tells you! I can't seem to squeeze out a single drop of poo! You know what sounds good for lunch? Celery and peanut butter and a gallon of water.
4:50pm - Major poop. Mostly liquid. I am crying it felt so good. Seriously. This whole cleanse has been an emotional rollercoaster. I love it. I hate it. I can't wait to be settled. When is that exactly?
BETA FIPPEL
1:43am - It's actually 2:43am, but I guess we just "fell back" for daylight savings. Tonight was rough. I was around delicious snacky party food (cupcakes, cheese and crackers, chips, etc. etc.) and lots of booze from about 7pm to midnight for Craitzy's birthday party. Not to mention all of the drunk people who probably would have been much more fun to be around had I been drinking. Then, around midnight, we went to a Harvard Law School Gay Ball (very reminiscent of Vassar parties) where there was an open bar. Everybody (except me) proceeded to get even drunker. It was a weird feeling. My sobriety was exaggerated by not only the drunkenness of the people around me, but also all of the thoughts/clarity that the Cleanse has started sending through my brain. I'm heading back to New York at noon and if I can't get up early enough, I may skip the salt water in the morning. Nothing would make me quit the Cleanse quicker than pooping my pants on the Chinatown bus. I'm feeling very hungry right now. I'm going to bed.
11:46am - I was supposed to be on the noon Chinatown bus, but I woke up late, so now I'm aiming for the 1pm bus. I did, indeed, skip the salt water this morning for my butt's sake. And now I'm off to the train station. I had a lot more stuff to "eliminate" this morning than usual, I think because I used a juicer to juice the lemons yesterday, so there was a lot of pulp in my lemonade. I'm boring this morning.
11:42pm - Today was rough. The Cleanse is not a good traveling companion. I'm feeling feverish and kind of out of it right now. I'm wondering if the way I feel has anything to do with skipping the salt water flush, but there are plenty of other factors (being out late last night, traveling all day, not eating) that could be playing a roll. I think the last two days of the cleanse will be a piece of cake. Brian and I were able to do a fun, high energy, coherent improv show tonight, so I'm pretty proud of us!
BRIAN KENNEDY
9:28am - Jeffrey has an out-of-town friend sleeping in our guest room... which is right next to the bathroom. I fear that the sounds of my morning elimination may have roused him from his slumbers. Imagine that being the first thing you hear upon waking.
11:15am - You know what this cleanse has taught me? That your butt is a poop graveyard. Seriously, the stuff that just came out of my ass smelled as if it had been dead and rotting in there for years.
3:43pm - According to the book, a lot of people feel great and find spiritual enlightenment starting day 8. And while I haven't found god, or buddha, or Tom Cruise yet, I do feel pretty fucking amazing today. It didn't hurt that I pampered myself by going on an American Apparel shopping spree and I got my hair did. (Yes, I know the other day I was bitching about not having any money... but I was talking about actual money in the bank. My imaginary, credit card money is practically endless!)
Now that I'm feeling good and this cleanse is coming to an end, I'm starting to set new goals for myself:
A.) Run the NYC Marathon next year. I've actually been thinking about this for awhile, but I became really inspired as I watched the thousands of people run down our block this morning (I was on the lookout for my friend Hallie... and checking out all the cute boys.) I ran in high school, and after college when I quit smoking, and last summer when I was looking for new ways to torture my body. I think if I trained properly, I could do all 26 miles.
B.) Get writing! I know this is always a goal of mine, but it's time to buckle down and get serious. I don't want to be pushing pills for the rest of my life. I've decided to make it my winter project. Come springtime, I better have something accomplished, be it play, screenplay, tv pilot, sketch show, puppet show or pile of shit. Doesn't matter, as long as it's something.
12:10am - I didn't heed Beta's advice and I almost crapped my pants just now. I felt what I thought was just a little fart, and since I never have eliminations at night, I pushed. As we say back home, Uff da! It was a close one. Thankfully, I was already in the bathroom getting ready to take my contacts out, so I didn't have to go far. I just dropped my drawers (which were still dry, thank you very much) and sat on the throne. Lesson learned!
12:02pm - I had a cheeseburger last night. My body was craving meaty protein. I ate some vegetables too. Also, I ventured into giving some Jack Daniels a spin. OMG. Drunk on one drink! I am such a cheap date now! I only had two cocktails and was pretty good. I guess that's one way to cut out liquor! I also tried to eat a Reese's PB cup and it was so gross. I'm not a huge sugar person anyway, but its good to know I am not really worried about candy. However, this morning is not a good day in the elimination department. Note to cleansers - do not eat a cheeseburger too soon after no matter how much your body tells you! I can't seem to squeeze out a single drop of poo! You know what sounds good for lunch? Celery and peanut butter and a gallon of water.
4:50pm - Major poop. Mostly liquid. I am crying it felt so good. Seriously. This whole cleanse has been an emotional rollercoaster. I love it. I hate it. I can't wait to be settled. When is that exactly?
BETA FIPPEL
1:43am - It's actually 2:43am, but I guess we just "fell back" for daylight savings. Tonight was rough. I was around delicious snacky party food (cupcakes, cheese and crackers, chips, etc. etc.) and lots of booze from about 7pm to midnight for Craitzy's birthday party. Not to mention all of the drunk people who probably would have been much more fun to be around had I been drinking. Then, around midnight, we went to a Harvard Law School Gay Ball (very reminiscent of Vassar parties) where there was an open bar. Everybody (except me) proceeded to get even drunker. It was a weird feeling. My sobriety was exaggerated by not only the drunkenness of the people around me, but also all of the thoughts/clarity that the Cleanse has started sending through my brain. I'm heading back to New York at noon and if I can't get up early enough, I may skip the salt water in the morning. Nothing would make me quit the Cleanse quicker than pooping my pants on the Chinatown bus. I'm feeling very hungry right now. I'm going to bed.
11:46am - I was supposed to be on the noon Chinatown bus, but I woke up late, so now I'm aiming for the 1pm bus. I did, indeed, skip the salt water this morning for my butt's sake. And now I'm off to the train station. I had a lot more stuff to "eliminate" this morning than usual, I think because I used a juicer to juice the lemons yesterday, so there was a lot of pulp in my lemonade. I'm boring this morning.
11:42pm - Today was rough. The Cleanse is not a good traveling companion. I'm feeling feverish and kind of out of it right now. I'm wondering if the way I feel has anything to do with skipping the salt water flush, but there are plenty of other factors (being out late last night, traveling all day, not eating) that could be playing a roll. I think the last two days of the cleanse will be a piece of cake. Brian and I were able to do a fun, high energy, coherent improv show tonight, so I'm pretty proud of us!
BRIAN KENNEDY
9:28am - Jeffrey has an out-of-town friend sleeping in our guest room... which is right next to the bathroom. I fear that the sounds of my morning elimination may have roused him from his slumbers. Imagine that being the first thing you hear upon waking.
11:15am - You know what this cleanse has taught me? That your butt is a poop graveyard. Seriously, the stuff that just came out of my ass smelled as if it had been dead and rotting in there for years.
3:43pm - According to the book, a lot of people feel great and find spiritual enlightenment starting day 8. And while I haven't found god, or buddha, or Tom Cruise yet, I do feel pretty fucking amazing today. It didn't hurt that I pampered myself by going on an American Apparel shopping spree and I got my hair did. (Yes, I know the other day I was bitching about not having any money... but I was talking about actual money in the bank. My imaginary, credit card money is practically endless!)
Now that I'm feeling good and this cleanse is coming to an end, I'm starting to set new goals for myself:
A.) Run the NYC Marathon next year. I've actually been thinking about this for awhile, but I became really inspired as I watched the thousands of people run down our block this morning (I was on the lookout for my friend Hallie... and checking out all the cute boys.) I ran in high school, and after college when I quit smoking, and last summer when I was looking for new ways to torture my body. I think if I trained properly, I could do all 26 miles.
B.) Get writing! I know this is always a goal of mine, but it's time to buckle down and get serious. I don't want to be pushing pills for the rest of my life. I've decided to make it my winter project. Come springtime, I better have something accomplished, be it play, screenplay, tv pilot, sketch show, puppet show or pile of shit. Doesn't matter, as long as it's something.
12:10am - I didn't heed Beta's advice and I almost crapped my pants just now. I felt what I thought was just a little fart, and since I never have eliminations at night, I pushed. As we say back home, Uff da! It was a close one. Thankfully, I was already in the bathroom getting ready to take my contacts out, so I didn't have to go far. I just dropped my drawers (which were still dry, thank you very much) and sat on the throne. Lesson learned!
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Day Seven
JEFFREY MARX
5:00pm - I got home last night (this morning) at 4:45am. I started the evening off over at Craig's house where I went through the whole cleanse experience again. It's such a great thing to talk about to someone who won't think you are totally crazy. He and I had polar opposite weeks. Mine was the best ever and his was shitty because he got stuck working by himself all week at work and was completely overwhelmed. Another example of how ying and yang is evident in everyone's life.
A good friend of his from California met at his house. He had come directly from the airport and was starving so we went to meet up with The London Girls for dinner. The London Girls are friends of Craig's from, um, London. I was excited to have my first real meal back from The Cleanse and I wanted to be picky and have an opinion on where we ate, but decided to just go with the flow. I was sure I would find something soft and gentle at wherever we ended up.
We ended up eating at an Etheopian restaraunt. I love that after 5 days of fasting, my first meal was at an fucking Etheopian restaraunt! Hilarious. We all sat around the table and were served giant proportions of amazing vegetarian food. Everything was served to us in a group dish, which the back of the menu said signifies friendship and harmony. I was adventurous and decided to enjoy a glass of Cabernet with dinner. It was like tasting everything for the first time. The wine bled into every ounce of my being! It felt great! I ended up drinking 5 glasses of wine. The high I felt from my body digesting this terrific food and the easy drunk I was getting from the wine made me elated.
After dinner, we all walked to a salsa bar. The London Girls paid our way into the bar where we were the only whiteys. I loved the music! My heart felt the passion only my body isn't used to dancing to that music, it's used to dancing to this music. The London Girls were a goddamn delight. So friendly and funny! Craig's friend from Cali knew every word to every song at the bar! We were quite the scene in the middle of the crowded salsa extravaganza. Laughing, dancing, and enjoying my newfound buzz on life lasted all night...
...until The London Girls bought me a shot of tequila. My kidneys went into overdrive. I was so drunk! I drunk dialed some friends back home and watched a crazed and drunken Latino throw hundreds of dollars out of his wallet and onto the floor in the street. His girlfriend was shivering and crying next to him yelling, "What the fuck are you doing? I make twice as much as you! You are being an idiot!" I went back inside and gave a few lap dances to my new friends. I made it home in one piece. Tonight, I am supposed to meet up with them again, but I am going to take it easy on the booze. I was terribly hung over this morning. Welcome back, liquor!
BETA FIPPEL
11:44am - Yesterday's bus ride was pretty bad. I didn't have to poop at any point during the FIVE HOUR ride, but my back was killing me the whole time. I kept squirming around like a freak. The guy next to me seemed a little freaked out, but seeing as he was watching Everybody Loves Raymond on his laptop for the whole ride, I think I'm the one who had license to be freaked out. My back feels better today. Hopefully it'll stay that way. And now it's time for my second "elimination" of the day. The salt water made me want to vomit this morning.
4:28pm - Sitting here while Craitzy prepares cupcakes for her party and it's pretty much killing me. Also, while shopping for birthday party supplies, my butt started leaking. That was pretty gross. I got to a bathroom before anything too serious happened, though, so don't worry. Thank g-d I packed that extra pair of underwear for my trip. Too graphic?
BRIAN KENNEDY
7:40am - My butthole is my new alarm clock. Even though today is Saturday, and I have absolutely nothing to do, I still woke up at early to shoot liquid out of me bum. I'm hoping to fall back asleep now, so that I can delay the dreaded salt water flush for a few hours.
1:51pm - I think my body was definitely detoxing last night. I feel much better today. Although I may have more energy, I'm not really doing anything with it. Sure I got up early, but I also just spent the last 6 hours in bed. Now I'm trying to will myself to get up, take a shower, and leave the house to run some errands. Usually a good trick to getting myself out of the house early on a Saturday is to think about going to get coffee. However, I don't think heating up my lemon-maple-ade and putting it in a styrofoam cup is going to do the trick this weekend.
7:25pm - Physically, I am doing just fine today. But mentally, I think I am becoming unhinged. I have energy. My back is feeling better. And I don't even feel hungry. But I did find myself thinking about food a lot. It didn't help that I was out and about shopping today, passing by the 8 million restaurants, diners, delis, hot dog stands and Nuts4Nuts carts in Manhattan. I was feeling pretty down, but then again I was shopping, and shopping always depresses me.
First I went to the Brooklyn Target which is my version of hell. I don't even remember what I went there for, but whatever it was, I didn't find it. Next I went to Surprise, Surprise!, an Asian "everything" store in the East Village. I was hoping to finally find some blinds for my room, a task that over the past couple of months, has proved to be quite difficult. Today I actually found the exact type I was looking for, but (surprise, surprise!) the only size that they didn't have in stock was the one I needed. So far, all I had to show for my shopping was rubber gloves, bathroom wipes, undershirts and a pair of black dress socks. Oh yeah, I also bought some stretchy winter gloves, which made my cold little fingers quite happy. At least some part of me could experience joy today.
On my way over to Union Square I almost gave up on my shopping and tried to catch a showing of Michael Clayton, but alas, there was no 5:00 show. So I had to keep on keeping on. But thankfully, the rest of my shopping turned out to be a little more fruitful. I went into DSW in search of black dress shoes, a task I had been putting off because I hate dress shoes. Why anyone would want to wear square shoes on their round feet is beyond me. At first I was having trouble finding anything that fit. I seriously felt like one of Cinderella's ugly step sisters trying on the glass slipper. But finally, way back in the discount section, I found a pair of round Kenneth Coles that I could actually squeeze my apparently too fat feet into. During the time that I was trying on shoes I noticed a creepy old man with long, stringy, white hair (that may or may not have been a wig) and a tweed jacket, checking me out. And I mean he was checking me out! Normally I don't even pick up on when someone is giving me the old up and down, but this gross old thing was not being very subtle about it. He kept following me around the store, staring me down hardcore, waiting for me to look back at him. Seriously, he was everywhere I turned! I kept my eyes to the ground and was very thankful to find what I needed and get in the checkout line.
After leaving Old Man Creepy in my dust, I made my last stop for the night at Bed, Bath and Beyond... a store that I have become all too familiar with ever since my move back in September. I easily navigated my way through the store and found the shelves that I was looking for. Next I hit up the candle section, because apparently I love candles now. I quickly became a little too obsessed with smelling the Yankee Candles. Pumpkin Pie, MacIntosh Apple, Cider Donut! But the one that really put me over the edge was Vanilla Cupcake. It had a picture of cupcakes on it! I almost cried. On my way to the cash register I was confronted with a dilemma. B,B&B has these big plastic teddy bear containers of animal crackers that I love. Not knowing when I would be back at B,B&B again, I decided to suck it up and buy them, knowing full well that I won't be able to eat them for another 5-7 days.
Not that I'm home, I'm feeling a little more balanced. I survived another day of the Cleanse and honestly, it doesn't even bother me that Jeffrey is cooking in the kitchen right now. If only I can find a way to not leave my house for the next three days, everything will work out just fine!
5:00pm - I got home last night (this morning) at 4:45am. I started the evening off over at Craig's house where I went through the whole cleanse experience again. It's such a great thing to talk about to someone who won't think you are totally crazy. He and I had polar opposite weeks. Mine was the best ever and his was shitty because he got stuck working by himself all week at work and was completely overwhelmed. Another example of how ying and yang is evident in everyone's life.
A good friend of his from California met at his house. He had come directly from the airport and was starving so we went to meet up with The London Girls for dinner. The London Girls are friends of Craig's from, um, London. I was excited to have my first real meal back from The Cleanse and I wanted to be picky and have an opinion on where we ate, but decided to just go with the flow. I was sure I would find something soft and gentle at wherever we ended up.
We ended up eating at an Etheopian restaraunt. I love that after 5 days of fasting, my first meal was at an fucking Etheopian restaraunt! Hilarious. We all sat around the table and were served giant proportions of amazing vegetarian food. Everything was served to us in a group dish, which the back of the menu said signifies friendship and harmony. I was adventurous and decided to enjoy a glass of Cabernet with dinner. It was like tasting everything for the first time. The wine bled into every ounce of my being! It felt great! I ended up drinking 5 glasses of wine. The high I felt from my body digesting this terrific food and the easy drunk I was getting from the wine made me elated.
After dinner, we all walked to a salsa bar. The London Girls paid our way into the bar where we were the only whiteys. I loved the music! My heart felt the passion only my body isn't used to dancing to that music, it's used to dancing to this music. The London Girls were a goddamn delight. So friendly and funny! Craig's friend from Cali knew every word to every song at the bar! We were quite the scene in the middle of the crowded salsa extravaganza. Laughing, dancing, and enjoying my newfound buzz on life lasted all night...
...until The London Girls bought me a shot of tequila. My kidneys went into overdrive. I was so drunk! I drunk dialed some friends back home and watched a crazed and drunken Latino throw hundreds of dollars out of his wallet and onto the floor in the street. His girlfriend was shivering and crying next to him yelling, "What the fuck are you doing? I make twice as much as you! You are being an idiot!" I went back inside and gave a few lap dances to my new friends. I made it home in one piece. Tonight, I am supposed to meet up with them again, but I am going to take it easy on the booze. I was terribly hung over this morning. Welcome back, liquor!
BETA FIPPEL
11:44am - Yesterday's bus ride was pretty bad. I didn't have to poop at any point during the FIVE HOUR ride, but my back was killing me the whole time. I kept squirming around like a freak. The guy next to me seemed a little freaked out, but seeing as he was watching Everybody Loves Raymond on his laptop for the whole ride, I think I'm the one who had license to be freaked out. My back feels better today. Hopefully it'll stay that way. And now it's time for my second "elimination" of the day. The salt water made me want to vomit this morning.
4:28pm - Sitting here while Craitzy prepares cupcakes for her party and it's pretty much killing me. Also, while shopping for birthday party supplies, my butt started leaking. That was pretty gross. I got to a bathroom before anything too serious happened, though, so don't worry. Thank g-d I packed that extra pair of underwear for my trip. Too graphic?
BRIAN KENNEDY
7:40am - My butthole is my new alarm clock. Even though today is Saturday, and I have absolutely nothing to do, I still woke up at early to shoot liquid out of me bum. I'm hoping to fall back asleep now, so that I can delay the dreaded salt water flush for a few hours.
1:51pm - I think my body was definitely detoxing last night. I feel much better today. Although I may have more energy, I'm not really doing anything with it. Sure I got up early, but I also just spent the last 6 hours in bed. Now I'm trying to will myself to get up, take a shower, and leave the house to run some errands. Usually a good trick to getting myself out of the house early on a Saturday is to think about going to get coffee. However, I don't think heating up my lemon-maple-ade and putting it in a styrofoam cup is going to do the trick this weekend.
7:25pm - Physically, I am doing just fine today. But mentally, I think I am becoming unhinged. I have energy. My back is feeling better. And I don't even feel hungry. But I did find myself thinking about food a lot. It didn't help that I was out and about shopping today, passing by the 8 million restaurants, diners, delis, hot dog stands and Nuts4Nuts carts in Manhattan. I was feeling pretty down, but then again I was shopping, and shopping always depresses me.
First I went to the Brooklyn Target which is my version of hell. I don't even remember what I went there for, but whatever it was, I didn't find it. Next I went to Surprise, Surprise!, an Asian "everything" store in the East Village. I was hoping to finally find some blinds for my room, a task that over the past couple of months, has proved to be quite difficult. Today I actually found the exact type I was looking for, but (surprise, surprise!) the only size that they didn't have in stock was the one I needed. So far, all I had to show for my shopping was rubber gloves, bathroom wipes, undershirts and a pair of black dress socks. Oh yeah, I also bought some stretchy winter gloves, which made my cold little fingers quite happy. At least some part of me could experience joy today.
On my way over to Union Square I almost gave up on my shopping and tried to catch a showing of Michael Clayton, but alas, there was no 5:00 show. So I had to keep on keeping on. But thankfully, the rest of my shopping turned out to be a little more fruitful. I went into DSW in search of black dress shoes, a task I had been putting off because I hate dress shoes. Why anyone would want to wear square shoes on their round feet is beyond me. At first I was having trouble finding anything that fit. I seriously felt like one of Cinderella's ugly step sisters trying on the glass slipper. But finally, way back in the discount section, I found a pair of round Kenneth Coles that I could actually squeeze my apparently too fat feet into. During the time that I was trying on shoes I noticed a creepy old man with long, stringy, white hair (that may or may not have been a wig) and a tweed jacket, checking me out. And I mean he was checking me out! Normally I don't even pick up on when someone is giving me the old up and down, but this gross old thing was not being very subtle about it. He kept following me around the store, staring me down hardcore, waiting for me to look back at him. Seriously, he was everywhere I turned! I kept my eyes to the ground and was very thankful to find what I needed and get in the checkout line.
After leaving Old Man Creepy in my dust, I made my last stop for the night at Bed, Bath and Beyond... a store that I have become all too familiar with ever since my move back in September. I easily navigated my way through the store and found the shelves that I was looking for. Next I hit up the candle section, because apparently I love candles now. I quickly became a little too obsessed with smelling the Yankee Candles. Pumpkin Pie, MacIntosh Apple, Cider Donut! But the one that really put me over the edge was Vanilla Cupcake. It had a picture of cupcakes on it! I almost cried. On my way to the cash register I was confronted with a dilemma. B,B&B has these big plastic teddy bear containers of animal crackers that I love. Not knowing when I would be back at B,B&B again, I decided to suck it up and buy them, knowing full well that I won't be able to eat them for another 5-7 days.
Not that I'm home, I'm feeling a little more balanced. I survived another day of the Cleanse and honestly, it doesn't even bother me that Jeffrey is cooking in the kitchen right now. If only I can find a way to not leave my house for the next three days, everything will work out just fine!
Friday, November 2, 2007
Day Six
JEFFREY MARX
10:00am - If Brian thinks I should stop blogging, then he has another thing coming! All pertinent cleanse related material will be posted! He tried to leave me off the blog entry today! So this morning I started with a nice cup of watery tomato soup, my new favorite thing in the world. I had a liquidy poop from last night's soup and bread. It's very strange how you can feel the entire digestive process kick back into gear. I imagine this feeling can be very powerful for someone who is addicted to laxatives or something. It makes me feel high! I saw an episode of 'Intervention' that reminded me of this concept. My stomach is definitely knotty (and naughty), but not to my detriment. At work, I enjoyed a sweet-ass banana. Wow. The flavor skyrocketed in my mouth causing a banana brushfire to ignite my soul!
That was the most ridiculous sentence I have ever written.
11:00am - OMG, I just hallucinated. I was looking down at my keyboard and saw three black, yet transparent, bugs crawl into the keys. It was like shrooms kicking in or something. I refilled my giant glass of water to make sure I am not dehydrated. I can't wait for lunch. I am gonna try a salad.
4:15pm - That was one intense salad! It was a potpourri of flavor bursts - carrots, olives, tomatoes, red onions, a few jalapenos, oil & vinegar, and of course lettuce, which, surprisingly, has taste! You know what does not have taste during The Cleanse? Semen. My salad, banana and soup from this morning have made a firmer poo this afternoon. Tonight, I am going out and might try a glass of wine with a light dinner, maybe sushi or something.
BETA FIPPEL
9:35am - I got roped into working this morning before I head to Boston for a whirlwind trip filled with black pugs and birthday parties, so I'm sitting at my desk thinking about how I really, really wish I could go to the bathroom. But I can't. I have to sit her to wait for my boss to call. This is a disaster. I very well might poop my pants/chair/life. Also, the last time Dan and I tried to do the Cleanse we read a blog the night before we started that had the most valuable piece of Cleanse advice yet. It warns, "If you feel that you have the need to flatulate after having drank the tea or the saline wash, DON'T. Because it's not gas!" Many a time have I felt the need to "flatulate" during the past five days, and I might have done it if not for that blessed blog.
11:28am - I'm blogging again because I'm about to leave work (I hope!!) and I probably won't be able to update again until late tonight, if at all. I forgot to mention that the night of Day 3, I drank a cup of mint tea at my sister's apartment and it was the most delicious thing I've ever tasted. Jeffrey's banana explosion reminded me of how excited I am for food/drinks to taste ridiculously good when I'm done with the Cleanse.
BRIAN KENNEDY
7:43am - Another sure sign that this Cleanse is crackalicious: Usually to wake it takes my cellphone, my regular alarm clock, and at least one hit of the snooze button. Today I was up after one try. This is just like that time Jesse was on caffeine pills. I'm so... scared!
9:40am - It's amazing how much stuff can still pour out of your ass after 6 days of not eating. Sure, the majority of it is liquid, but there's still a bit of flakey, brown sediment. Seriously, that shit must be older than this guy. I'm really starting to look forward to having fresh, solid BMs again.
11:35am - Two eliminations in under 30 minutes! That almost sounds like an ad for Dominos Pizza. The first elimination was a gusher. The second, more of an afterthought. However, with the second one I think I finally experienced the flaming shit that the book was talking about. It definitely felt hot. My butthole is burning like a ring of fire right now. But on the upside, this means I'm becoming less toxic.
3:13pm - I just got of the phone with my bank. I had finally got around to ordering new checks a couple of weeks ago, but they were still M.I.A. According the my friendly banking representative, they had been sent to my old address and I would have to cancel those checks and pay another fee for new ones. I held my ground and acted all pissy towards her, but you know what, it got me what I wanted. Afterwards, I wondered if I was irritable with her because of the Cleanse... but then I decided no, I was not. As I choose see it, thanks to the Cleanse I have stopped being a pushover, no longer letting people take advantage of my good natured ways. It's either that, or I have turned into a total cunt.
7:40pm - Home from work, things seem to be going downhill. Today started out great. I had good energy. I could hardly feel any pain in my back. And on my subway ride to work, while reading the theater section in Time Out, I actually thought to myself, Hey, maybe I'll return to my theater roots and give playwriting another shot after this cleanse is over. WRONG. By the end of the workday my spirits were down, my back felt like it had a gaping fleshwound in it, and I had convinced myself that I would spend the rest of my life working in a pharmacy. After work I stopped at C-Town to pick up more maple syrup, limes and water. I felt like it was Day 2 & 3 all over again. Food was practically jumping off the shelf taunting me. Arriving back home rather depressed, I immediately slipped into my pajamas, made my first glass of lime-maple juice for to night, crawled into bed and readied myself for a long night of Netflix.
I feel like there are probably a number of reasons (some Cleanse related, some not) for me feeling so glum:
1. Decrease In Sugar. This morning I ran out of maple syrup. I only used 6 tablespoons instead of 12, which may be why I had less energy.
2. Financial Burden. Today was payday, which is always good. But it was also payday, which means I had to pay rent and my credit card bill. I only have a little over $200 to last me the next two weeks. Thank god lemons are cheap!
3. Seven Day Cycle. Day 2, 3 and 7 are supposed to be the hardest while on the Cleanse. Day 1 is more of a mental challenge than a physical one. At that point you at least still have some food in your system to keep you going. But by Day 2 & 3 that food is gone and your body is fucked. Then you're okay for a few day, until you reach Day 7, which is supposed to be hard because your body detoxes in seven-day cycles. I know today is only Day 6, but the book said it can be a day off sometimes. So maybe I'm having my detox period early.
4. Amazing Race Applications. My sister and I have been talking for years about applying to be on the Amazing Race. I know my sister would be perfect for this show. She's cute, funny and blonde. But most importantly, she can sweet talk anyone into getting what she wants. I realize that I may be a little too dry and sarcastic for the show, but I'll fake it as much as I have to and ride her coattails the rest of the way. Also, we're both uber competitive and hate losing. You should see us playing board games together. This year was the first that I actually noticed the casting call before the deadline was past. However, we have no way of video taping ourself together before Nov. 27. I know it doesn't really matter, since our chances of getting on would be worse than our chances of finding a bag containing a million dollar just lying in the street. But still, everyone's gotta have a pipe dream... and mine is being crushed!
5. I'm On The Mother-Fucking Cleanse. I am depriving myself of food and drink. And by "drink" I of course mean alcohol. Usually Fridays are good days at work because I know that the weekend begins at 6:30pm. (6:00pm if I leave early, and I usually do.) But this evening, knowing that I was just going to go home and not eat or drink all night, it seemed like there was really no point in having a weekend. I might as well be working again tomorrow. It's sad to think that so much of my happiness depends on food and liquor. Hmm, maybe that's the lesson I'm supposed to learn whilst on this Cleanse. Well if that's the case, reality sucks!
In closing, I'd just like to thank Jeffrey for posting how WONDERFUL the FOOD that he ATE today TASTED. Just be sure to lock your door before going to bed tonight, you little bitch.
10:00am - If Brian thinks I should stop blogging, then he has another thing coming! All pertinent cleanse related material will be posted! He tried to leave me off the blog entry today! So this morning I started with a nice cup of watery tomato soup, my new favorite thing in the world. I had a liquidy poop from last night's soup and bread. It's very strange how you can feel the entire digestive process kick back into gear. I imagine this feeling can be very powerful for someone who is addicted to laxatives or something. It makes me feel high! I saw an episode of 'Intervention' that reminded me of this concept. My stomach is definitely knotty (and naughty), but not to my detriment. At work, I enjoyed a sweet-ass banana. Wow. The flavor skyrocketed in my mouth causing a banana brushfire to ignite my soul!
That was the most ridiculous sentence I have ever written.
11:00am - OMG, I just hallucinated. I was looking down at my keyboard and saw three black, yet transparent, bugs crawl into the keys. It was like shrooms kicking in or something. I refilled my giant glass of water to make sure I am not dehydrated. I can't wait for lunch. I am gonna try a salad.
4:15pm - That was one intense salad! It was a potpourri of flavor bursts - carrots, olives, tomatoes, red onions, a few jalapenos, oil & vinegar, and of course lettuce, which, surprisingly, has taste! You know what does not have taste during The Cleanse? Semen. My salad, banana and soup from this morning have made a firmer poo this afternoon. Tonight, I am going out and might try a glass of wine with a light dinner, maybe sushi or something.
BETA FIPPEL
9:35am - I got roped into working this morning before I head to Boston for a whirlwind trip filled with black pugs and birthday parties, so I'm sitting at my desk thinking about how I really, really wish I could go to the bathroom. But I can't. I have to sit her to wait for my boss to call. This is a disaster. I very well might poop my pants/chair/life. Also, the last time Dan and I tried to do the Cleanse we read a blog the night before we started that had the most valuable piece of Cleanse advice yet. It warns, "If you feel that you have the need to flatulate after having drank the tea or the saline wash, DON'T. Because it's not gas!" Many a time have I felt the need to "flatulate" during the past five days, and I might have done it if not for that blessed blog.
11:28am - I'm blogging again because I'm about to leave work (I hope!!) and I probably won't be able to update again until late tonight, if at all. I forgot to mention that the night of Day 3, I drank a cup of mint tea at my sister's apartment and it was the most delicious thing I've ever tasted. Jeffrey's banana explosion reminded me of how excited I am for food/drinks to taste ridiculously good when I'm done with the Cleanse.
BRIAN KENNEDY
7:43am - Another sure sign that this Cleanse is crackalicious: Usually to wake it takes my cellphone, my regular alarm clock, and at least one hit of the snooze button. Today I was up after one try. This is just like that time Jesse was on caffeine pills. I'm so... scared!
9:40am - It's amazing how much stuff can still pour out of your ass after 6 days of not eating. Sure, the majority of it is liquid, but there's still a bit of flakey, brown sediment. Seriously, that shit must be older than this guy. I'm really starting to look forward to having fresh, solid BMs again.
11:35am - Two eliminations in under 30 minutes! That almost sounds like an ad for Dominos Pizza. The first elimination was a gusher. The second, more of an afterthought. However, with the second one I think I finally experienced the flaming shit that the book was talking about. It definitely felt hot. My butthole is burning like a ring of fire right now. But on the upside, this means I'm becoming less toxic.
3:13pm - I just got of the phone with my bank. I had finally got around to ordering new checks a couple of weeks ago, but they were still M.I.A. According the my friendly banking representative, they had been sent to my old address and I would have to cancel those checks and pay another fee for new ones. I held my ground and acted all pissy towards her, but you know what, it got me what I wanted. Afterwards, I wondered if I was irritable with her because of the Cleanse... but then I decided no, I was not. As I choose see it, thanks to the Cleanse I have stopped being a pushover, no longer letting people take advantage of my good natured ways. It's either that, or I have turned into a total cunt.
7:40pm - Home from work, things seem to be going downhill. Today started out great. I had good energy. I could hardly feel any pain in my back. And on my subway ride to work, while reading the theater section in Time Out, I actually thought to myself, Hey, maybe I'll return to my theater roots and give playwriting another shot after this cleanse is over. WRONG. By the end of the workday my spirits were down, my back felt like it had a gaping fleshwound in it, and I had convinced myself that I would spend the rest of my life working in a pharmacy. After work I stopped at C-Town to pick up more maple syrup, limes and water. I felt like it was Day 2 & 3 all over again. Food was practically jumping off the shelf taunting me. Arriving back home rather depressed, I immediately slipped into my pajamas, made my first glass of lime-maple juice for to night, crawled into bed and readied myself for a long night of Netflix.
I feel like there are probably a number of reasons (some Cleanse related, some not) for me feeling so glum:
1. Decrease In Sugar. This morning I ran out of maple syrup. I only used 6 tablespoons instead of 12, which may be why I had less energy.
2. Financial Burden. Today was payday, which is always good. But it was also payday, which means I had to pay rent and my credit card bill. I only have a little over $200 to last me the next two weeks. Thank god lemons are cheap!
3. Seven Day Cycle. Day 2, 3 and 7 are supposed to be the hardest while on the Cleanse. Day 1 is more of a mental challenge than a physical one. At that point you at least still have some food in your system to keep you going. But by Day 2 & 3 that food is gone and your body is fucked. Then you're okay for a few day, until you reach Day 7, which is supposed to be hard because your body detoxes in seven-day cycles. I know today is only Day 6, but the book said it can be a day off sometimes. So maybe I'm having my detox period early.
4. Amazing Race Applications. My sister and I have been talking for years about applying to be on the Amazing Race. I know my sister would be perfect for this show. She's cute, funny and blonde. But most importantly, she can sweet talk anyone into getting what she wants. I realize that I may be a little too dry and sarcastic for the show, but I'll fake it as much as I have to and ride her coattails the rest of the way. Also, we're both uber competitive and hate losing. You should see us playing board games together. This year was the first that I actually noticed the casting call before the deadline was past. However, we have no way of video taping ourself together before Nov. 27. I know it doesn't really matter, since our chances of getting on would be worse than our chances of finding a bag containing a million dollar just lying in the street. But still, everyone's gotta have a pipe dream... and mine is being crushed!
5. I'm On The Mother-Fucking Cleanse. I am depriving myself of food and drink. And by "drink" I of course mean alcohol. Usually Fridays are good days at work because I know that the weekend begins at 6:30pm. (6:00pm if I leave early, and I usually do.) But this evening, knowing that I was just going to go home and not eat or drink all night, it seemed like there was really no point in having a weekend. I might as well be working again tomorrow. It's sad to think that so much of my happiness depends on food and liquor. Hmm, maybe that's the lesson I'm supposed to learn whilst on this Cleanse. Well if that's the case, reality sucks!
In closing, I'd just like to thank Jeffrey for posting how WONDERFUL the FOOD that he ATE today TASTED. Just be sure to lock your door before going to bed tonight, you little bitch.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Day Five
JEFFREY MARX
1:40am - My eliminations are having eliminations now. I hope I am alive tomorrow! Or, at least that Jake Gyllenhaal wakes me up and effs the shizz out of me before I waste away to dust.
7:40am - I woke up with morning wood - sure sign I am alive! I thought about jerking off, but didn't have the strength. I was still hazy from a crazy dream. I never remember my dreams, so when I do, I always find it interesting, like, why did my brain choose to remember this one in particular? The dreams I do remember are always in color too. Here is what I dreamt...
Chloe from '24' and I were having dinner at T.G.I.Fridays. It seemed like we were there in a semi-romantic context, perhaps a second date? I wasn't sure, but I know I had the feeling of wanting more from our relationship than where it stood. All of the sudden, a bunch of waiters with too much 'Fridays Flare' started singing 'Happy Birthday' to me and presented me with a very, very large sundae. It was bigger than me and it was not my birthday.
Flash to me scuba diving. Only, it wasn't me like I see myself, it was a me how I want to see myself. Totally a weird feeling. I was in a tight scuba diving suit and I was pretty hot, like, super ripped, like Brad Pitt in 'Fight Club'. I watched myself dive into the ocean. I would never do anything like this in real life.
Under water, I had an overwhelming sense of freedom. I felt like I needed to be going down so deep. For what reason, I wasn't sure, but I didn't feel like it mattered. I remember blackness, which contrasted from the bright colors I saw in the dream up until now. When my feet hit the bottom, I saw a huge group of faceless friends of mine. They were having a party on the ocean floor. I was expecting to see Sebastian from 'The Little Mermaid' but he wasn't there. I noticed that no one was wearing scuba gear. How were they breathing? They urged me to join them and told me to take off my breathing gear. I was scared, but emboldened by this new sense of deep freedom. I took it off and found I could breathe just fine. I didn't need to rely on the scuba gear. I breathed in amazing air and energy.
Then, I woke up.
11:50am - My morning has been amazing! I got all the accoutrements out to make The Cleanse juice. I was suddenly sickened by the juice factory that has been going on in the kitchen. The dream had rattled around in my head in the shower. As I poured the first tablespoon of maple syrup, I stopped. I stopped The Cleanse. I grabbed my man bag and left the house. The grocery store had Extra Pulp Orange Juice on sale for $2.99. I drank a large glass full of pulpy OJ and a ton of water. The pain in my legs has disappeared. My brain feels alive (probably because I am not dying anymore) and my heart is singing (probably because I am not dying anymore)! I have come to terms with so many things between last night and this morning! I am at peace and have learned a ton! I am thankful I tried The Master Cleanse! I will explain more later. Right now, I have to go pee.
1:10pm - I drank two good sized glasses of slightly watered down OJ, a glass of plain water, two slices of perfect cantaloupe, and a single bite of soft bagel. Not all together, but throughout the morning until now. All stomach signs feel fine. No cramping.
1:30pm - My, it's interesting to see people's reactions to me stopping (not quitting)! Reactions have ranged from shock to disappointment to happiness that they can finally tell me they thought I was crazy in the first place! Sophia called me a liar. She thinks I made up the dream so that I would have an easier time with Brian for stopping. I love her so much for thinking that because it IS actually something I could do, but in this case I did not.
4:20pm - Well, I have been feeling very high today. High on so many things - clarity and cantaloupe to name two. It's interesting that I gave up something that I needed (food) to find out that what I wanted (Finishing The Cleanse, Talking with my dad about his bullshit, or a certain boy that I used to adore) is not what I needed. I don't need those things to move on and be happy. I don't need to be tangled up in the drama of those things. I don't need to waste my mind, my heart, or my energy on them. Basically, The Cleanse has released me from dwelling on topics that were continuing to cause hurt. Just choose not to hurt! Just choose to stop The Cleanse! I choose to be happy and to move forward! Nothing like breaking the body down physically to show you how to live mentally. I am in a great mind set today. I think I have finally turned a new corner in my life. Or, I have finally totally lost it.
10:49pm - As I was leaving work, I made a trip to the potty. A nice, ping-pong ball sized soft poop dropped. The cantaloupe and bagel bite came out with ease. My intestinal poop factory is back in action! Tonight, for dinner, I had very watery tomato soup and one slice of garlic naan from Trader Joe's. It was so great. The flavors exploded in my mouth! My tongue was so thankful and my stomach sang my praise! This has been one of the greatest days in recent memory. I feel so grounded. I will continue to report anything Master Cleanse related here over the next couple days. Poop related events, further epiphanies, and food talk will be documented. However, I will be back at my home base blog after today.
I'd like to thank Brian, Beth, and Dan for their blog support! Also, thanks to my roommie, Brian, for being so tech savvy and uploading the videos! Thanks also go to Cody for starting the gears in my head with the Need vs. Want Theory, Craig for always being a great listener, friend, and Gmail Gchat companion, and that old lady at the office who I have decided will not effect me anymore. Thank you to Sophia for being super hot and thanks to Jon for sending me funny links all day. I'd also like to thank The Academy for nominating me and their dedication to great films. Good luck, Brian and Beth! I encourage you to stay with it for the duration! I wonder who will win Master Cleanse Survivor???
BETA FIPPEL
11:01am - I should have knocked on wood yesterday, because I almost had a disaster between the subway and the office this morning. It was like walking through a mine field. Every step I took, I was more and more certain that something was going to explode. Luckily, I made it safe and sound and had my second morning poop in the office restroom. I have to admit, I thought about quitting again today. I'm going to Boston tomorrow for a friend's birthday party, and I'm sure I would have more fun if I could eat/drink. Also, it's going to be a pain in the butt to take my Cleanse ingredients on the Chinatown bus. But I don't think I'm going to quit. I think if I can do the Cleanse under these circumstances I really will have mastered my pesky impulses.
12:07pm - I too am shocked and saddened at the news of Jeffrey quitting the Cleanse. I'm dedicating the rest of my Cleanse to him. The first thing I will dedicate to him is the very, very close call that I just had. I almost pooped sitting at my desk. Barely any warning. Suddenly, I was like, "Something is millimeters away from coming out of my butt." I ran to the bathroom and, once again, narrowly escaped disaster. This time, I really was peeing out of my butt. Nothing solid or brown or flaky. Pure yellow liquid coming out of my butt hole.
2:38pm - I just had a couple of hours of dizziness and a tingly feeling. I feel better now, though. I also had another lethargic conversation with Brian. I'm on quite the quitting-not-quitting roller coaster!
BRIAN KENNEDY
9:19am - Finished my salt water flush earlier this morning. 5 down, 5 to go. Already had my pre and post-shower elimination. I'm feeling very energetic, jazzed almost. If I leave for work now, I may actually be on time. Just trying to decide if it's safe to leave the house yet.
10:58am - Thank god my energy is back! Right now I am trying to do the work of four people. Two of my co-workers are off today, and the other one called in late. I secretly like when this happens because I can blare Dolly Parton and the Dixie Chicks on my iPod and not feel bad about it. I think I have to eliminate again, but I just don't have time for that right now.
11:53am - I am devastated, DEVASTATED to learn that Jeffrey has quit. I'm sad for him, but more sad for me knowing that there will now be food in the house again. I feel like this cleanse was a good bonding experience for us as roommates and friends. Now I'm going to go back to holding up in my room with the door shut, avoiding him at any cost. Sigh. The weight of this blog now rests on the shoulders of me and Beth. Stay strong Beth, I need you!
12:36pm - I now know the true meaning of the term "pissing out of my ass." The little stream that was trickling out of my butt before, was nothing compared to the river that just blasted out of my a-hole. I think I may need to wipe again, just to be safe.
2:40pm - Today has been good and bad. Besides feeling like my alliances in this cleanse are crumbling around me, work has been crazy-busy. Usually when it gets like this I either A.) Starve myself all morning and then over-eat later in the day, or B.) Stress eat all day long. Right now I am missing both. But on the upside, I do feel like I've flipped a switch and that the Cleanse is no longer in control of me, instead it is I that am in control of it.
8:15pm - Stayed late at work. It's amazing to me that after 4 days without food, my body was able put in a 9 hour day without any breaks, and still not feel tired. Am I on the Master Cleanse or am I on Tina? My only complaint for the day (and I'll always have one) is that my back is still killing me. Seriously, it feels like this. I almost asked one of my co-workers for a massage. But then I remember that they're my co-workers and I don't like them touching me.
12:40am - I just cleaned my room! This Cleanse is an honest to god miracle worker.
1:40am - My eliminations are having eliminations now. I hope I am alive tomorrow! Or, at least that Jake Gyllenhaal wakes me up and effs the shizz out of me before I waste away to dust.
7:40am - I woke up with morning wood - sure sign I am alive! I thought about jerking off, but didn't have the strength. I was still hazy from a crazy dream. I never remember my dreams, so when I do, I always find it interesting, like, why did my brain choose to remember this one in particular? The dreams I do remember are always in color too. Here is what I dreamt...
Chloe from '24' and I were having dinner at T.G.I.Fridays. It seemed like we were there in a semi-romantic context, perhaps a second date? I wasn't sure, but I know I had the feeling of wanting more from our relationship than where it stood. All of the sudden, a bunch of waiters with too much 'Fridays Flare' started singing 'Happy Birthday' to me and presented me with a very, very large sundae. It was bigger than me and it was not my birthday.
Flash to me scuba diving. Only, it wasn't me like I see myself, it was a me how I want to see myself. Totally a weird feeling. I was in a tight scuba diving suit and I was pretty hot, like, super ripped, like Brad Pitt in 'Fight Club'. I watched myself dive into the ocean. I would never do anything like this in real life.
Under water, I had an overwhelming sense of freedom. I felt like I needed to be going down so deep. For what reason, I wasn't sure, but I didn't feel like it mattered. I remember blackness, which contrasted from the bright colors I saw in the dream up until now. When my feet hit the bottom, I saw a huge group of faceless friends of mine. They were having a party on the ocean floor. I was expecting to see Sebastian from 'The Little Mermaid' but he wasn't there. I noticed that no one was wearing scuba gear. How were they breathing? They urged me to join them and told me to take off my breathing gear. I was scared, but emboldened by this new sense of deep freedom. I took it off and found I could breathe just fine. I didn't need to rely on the scuba gear. I breathed in amazing air and energy.
Then, I woke up.
11:50am - My morning has been amazing! I got all the accoutrements out to make The Cleanse juice. I was suddenly sickened by the juice factory that has been going on in the kitchen. The dream had rattled around in my head in the shower. As I poured the first tablespoon of maple syrup, I stopped. I stopped The Cleanse. I grabbed my man bag and left the house. The grocery store had Extra Pulp Orange Juice on sale for $2.99. I drank a large glass full of pulpy OJ and a ton of water. The pain in my legs has disappeared. My brain feels alive (probably because I am not dying anymore) and my heart is singing (probably because I am not dying anymore)! I have come to terms with so many things between last night and this morning! I am at peace and have learned a ton! I am thankful I tried The Master Cleanse! I will explain more later. Right now, I have to go pee.
1:10pm - I drank two good sized glasses of slightly watered down OJ, a glass of plain water, two slices of perfect cantaloupe, and a single bite of soft bagel. Not all together, but throughout the morning until now. All stomach signs feel fine. No cramping.
1:30pm - My, it's interesting to see people's reactions to me stopping (not quitting)! Reactions have ranged from shock to disappointment to happiness that they can finally tell me they thought I was crazy in the first place! Sophia called me a liar. She thinks I made up the dream so that I would have an easier time with Brian for stopping. I love her so much for thinking that because it IS actually something I could do, but in this case I did not.
4:20pm - Well, I have been feeling very high today. High on so many things - clarity and cantaloupe to name two. It's interesting that I gave up something that I needed (food) to find out that what I wanted (Finishing The Cleanse, Talking with my dad about his bullshit, or a certain boy that I used to adore) is not what I needed. I don't need those things to move on and be happy. I don't need to be tangled up in the drama of those things. I don't need to waste my mind, my heart, or my energy on them. Basically, The Cleanse has released me from dwelling on topics that were continuing to cause hurt. Just choose not to hurt! Just choose to stop The Cleanse! I choose to be happy and to move forward! Nothing like breaking the body down physically to show you how to live mentally. I am in a great mind set today. I think I have finally turned a new corner in my life. Or, I have finally totally lost it.
10:49pm - As I was leaving work, I made a trip to the potty. A nice, ping-pong ball sized soft poop dropped. The cantaloupe and bagel bite came out with ease. My intestinal poop factory is back in action! Tonight, for dinner, I had very watery tomato soup and one slice of garlic naan from Trader Joe's. It was so great. The flavors exploded in my mouth! My tongue was so thankful and my stomach sang my praise! This has been one of the greatest days in recent memory. I feel so grounded. I will continue to report anything Master Cleanse related here over the next couple days. Poop related events, further epiphanies, and food talk will be documented. However, I will be back at my home base blog after today.
I'd like to thank Brian, Beth, and Dan for their blog support! Also, thanks to my roommie, Brian, for being so tech savvy and uploading the videos! Thanks also go to Cody for starting the gears in my head with the Need vs. Want Theory, Craig for always being a great listener, friend, and Gmail Gchat companion, and that old lady at the office who I have decided will not effect me anymore. Thank you to Sophia for being super hot and thanks to Jon for sending me funny links all day. I'd also like to thank The Academy for nominating me and their dedication to great films. Good luck, Brian and Beth! I encourage you to stay with it for the duration! I wonder who will win Master Cleanse Survivor???
BETA FIPPEL
11:01am - I should have knocked on wood yesterday, because I almost had a disaster between the subway and the office this morning. It was like walking through a mine field. Every step I took, I was more and more certain that something was going to explode. Luckily, I made it safe and sound and had my second morning poop in the office restroom. I have to admit, I thought about quitting again today. I'm going to Boston tomorrow for a friend's birthday party, and I'm sure I would have more fun if I could eat/drink. Also, it's going to be a pain in the butt to take my Cleanse ingredients on the Chinatown bus. But I don't think I'm going to quit. I think if I can do the Cleanse under these circumstances I really will have mastered my pesky impulses.
12:07pm - I too am shocked and saddened at the news of Jeffrey quitting the Cleanse. I'm dedicating the rest of my Cleanse to him. The first thing I will dedicate to him is the very, very close call that I just had. I almost pooped sitting at my desk. Barely any warning. Suddenly, I was like, "Something is millimeters away from coming out of my butt." I ran to the bathroom and, once again, narrowly escaped disaster. This time, I really was peeing out of my butt. Nothing solid or brown or flaky. Pure yellow liquid coming out of my butt hole.
2:38pm - I just had a couple of hours of dizziness and a tingly feeling. I feel better now, though. I also had another lethargic conversation with Brian. I'm on quite the quitting-not-quitting roller coaster!
BRIAN KENNEDY
9:19am - Finished my salt water flush earlier this morning. 5 down, 5 to go. Already had my pre and post-shower elimination. I'm feeling very energetic, jazzed almost. If I leave for work now, I may actually be on time. Just trying to decide if it's safe to leave the house yet.
10:58am - Thank god my energy is back! Right now I am trying to do the work of four people. Two of my co-workers are off today, and the other one called in late. I secretly like when this happens because I can blare Dolly Parton and the Dixie Chicks on my iPod and not feel bad about it. I think I have to eliminate again, but I just don't have time for that right now.
11:53am - I am devastated, DEVASTATED to learn that Jeffrey has quit. I'm sad for him, but more sad for me knowing that there will now be food in the house again. I feel like this cleanse was a good bonding experience for us as roommates and friends. Now I'm going to go back to holding up in my room with the door shut, avoiding him at any cost. Sigh. The weight of this blog now rests on the shoulders of me and Beth. Stay strong Beth, I need you!
12:36pm - I now know the true meaning of the term "pissing out of my ass." The little stream that was trickling out of my butt before, was nothing compared to the river that just blasted out of my a-hole. I think I may need to wipe again, just to be safe.
2:40pm - Today has been good and bad. Besides feeling like my alliances in this cleanse are crumbling around me, work has been crazy-busy. Usually when it gets like this I either A.) Starve myself all morning and then over-eat later in the day, or B.) Stress eat all day long. Right now I am missing both. But on the upside, I do feel like I've flipped a switch and that the Cleanse is no longer in control of me, instead it is I that am in control of it.
8:15pm - Stayed late at work. It's amazing to me that after 4 days without food, my body was able put in a 9 hour day without any breaks, and still not feel tired. Am I on the Master Cleanse or am I on Tina? My only complaint for the day (and I'll always have one) is that my back is still killing me. Seriously, it feels like this. I almost asked one of my co-workers for a massage. But then I remember that they're my co-workers and I don't like them touching me.
12:40am - I just cleaned my room! This Cleanse is an honest to god miracle worker.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Day Four
JEFFREY MARX
8:05am - My poop smells like Freddy Krueger.
9:33am - So I sucked it up and apologized to the old lady. It felt like it was the right thing to do. Hopefully, it will be an example to her on how she should be acting, but it probably won't. The cleaning lady threw out my empty gallon jug I have been using at work for the salt water flush. I had to use about 40 little Dixie cups full of water to do the flush at work today. It was quite the system in the workplace kitchenette. Also, I only put 8 tablespoons of maple syrup instead of 12 because we were gonna run out. I need to buy more on the way home tonight.
10:10am - I have now eliminated four times. Wow. I feel like I just cleansed 4 years of bad attitude out of my butt. My friend Craig asked me what it looks like, so I will tell you, since you are probably curious. It's mostly yellow liquid but with dark flakes, like small bay leaves. It's pretty insane!
11:04am - Wow! It's not stopping! I went two more times! Yikes! This is the scariest thing that has ever happened on Halloween! Here is the funniest thing to happen on Halloween...
1:15pm - Today at "lunch", I sat outside in the sunshine. It felt really great, like an electric sunflower! The warmth and energy from the sun really helped recharge my brain batteries. I drank a good deal of the lemonade and read a book. I feel happy.
1:17pm - The old lady at work is slurping soup and crunching wheat thins. She is disgusting. I want to die.
4:00pm - This is truly the witching hour. On Day 2 and Day 3 around 4:00pm, I thought I was dying. Again, today, the aches are pretty bad. If I feel miserable like this again on Day 5, I am going to be worried. Everything I have heard and seen says that by Day 5 you have some awesome clarity or something. The muscles in my legs are burning, my neck and shoulders are burning, the arches of my feet are burning, Paris Is Burning...
8:18pm - I'm seriously dragging in the energy department. I wish that sun I was sitting in this afternoon was sitting on my face right now. My back hurts, only I don't think it's my back - I think it's my kidneys. My body is deflated weakness. I am unconvinced that this is a good thing. I feel like someone in a concentration camp only my Nazi's are named "Captain Unrequited Love" and "Major Daddy Issues". I'm in the middle of my intern shift at the theatre and I think I am gonna pass out. I would take a nap, but I am afraid I would wake up dead.
9:45pm - I just had a crazy revelation about The Cleanse and what it means to me! I'll explain more on video later... OMG. Crazy! KRAZY!
BETA FIPPEL
11:24pm - Okay blog fans, I'm really sorry that I didn't give updates throughout the day today. I woke up late and was pretty busy at work. Then I had to watch Kid Nation, the best show on television. So, here's my whole Day 4 experience in a nutshell.
As I mentioned in my video yesterday, barring disaster, I'm definitely not going to quit the Cleanse. Days one and two were rough, day three was pretty easy, and today a wicked combination. I woke up this morning and was ready to poop right away, which I haven't been before. It usually takes a while to get the ol' butt bubbling. The poop was a classic Cleanse poo--flakes, felt like I was shitting a river, etc. I had the salt water, which is getting harder for me by the day. My biggest problem with it is that I just don't like the act of drinking. Like, I find swallowing liquid kind of unpleasant. I know it's weird. It's the reason I'm generally dehydrated and another reason that the Cleanse is a good thing for me to be doing.
Between the salt water and leaving for work, I pooped a couple more times, but only once at work. And I was there for almost 8 hours. Weird, huh? Work today was hard, Cleanse-wise, because there were bowls of candy corn everywhere and a truly delicious looking Halloween-themed Entemman's cake. My impulse would normally be to grab a couple of candy corn whenever I passed a bowl, so it was weird and a little bit frustrating to not be able to do that. Liberating too, though. There were also various Halloween parties I wanted to go to tonight, but I figured there would be too much temptation, so I came home after work. I also had a very lethargic, kind of depressing phone conversation with Brian in which we decided that we didn't have the energy to do anything tonight. Also, he would be busy shopping for syrup.
Today at work I had the shoulder, neck, back pain that Jeffrey mentioned a couple of days ago. It was awful. It's like that good pain that you get when someone massages your shoulders really hard, but it went on for hours and there was no sensual rubbing. And furthermore, why am I two days behind Jeffrey? Why aren't we experiencing the exact same things at the exact same time? Why aren't our poop schedules in sync the way girl's period cycles sync up when they spend a lot of time together?
What else... my tongue is white, my poop smells really bad (I mean, the stuff that's coming out now is stuff that's just been sitting in there, festering, for a long time), I haven't had any real "bathroom emergencies," my energy is really up and down. I'm pretty peppy for the first half of the day, but I really start dragging after that. Oh, and I tend to get very hungry at night after drinking the laxative tea. Hopefully this will help teach my body to not be so hungry late at night. After the cleanse, I'm hoping that late-night eating will be one of the bad eating habits I can kick.
It's crazy to think that I haven't eaten anything for 4 days. Does this make me anorexic? And does Dan's alleged vomiting make him bulimic?
BRIAN KENNEDY
5:29am - Didn't even have to wait for the salt water flush to have my first elimination this morning. Woke up early and made a mad dash for the bathroom. Thanks Get Regular! Also, as much as you don't want to read this, I am happy to report that I now have neon yellow liquid coming out of my butt. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!
8:15am - Just finished my salt water flush for the morning. As predicted by the book, it becomes easier to tolerate. (Something to do with the intestinal walls being cleaner.) Not wanting to be late for work again today, I tired the following exercises that are supposed to help speed up the flush:
Exercise 1 - Rub your stomach with the palm of right your hand clockwise 21 times and counter clockwise 13 times.
Exercise 2 - Raise your arms over your head (still standing) and sway them left to right.
Exercise 3 - Spread your feet shoulder width apart and spin your body at the waist from left to right. Let your arms swing with your body. Feel the stretch in your lower back and abdomen.
Exercise 4 - With knees and feet together, bend your knees and squat. Reach with your left hand and touch the tip of your index finger to the outside of your right foot. Now try to do both together with your head facing somewhat forward.
Exercise 5 - Doing the Hatha Yoga Cobra Position is also good as are other exercises that get the intestines stimulated.
I had to google image search the Cobra Position:
And now that I'm done typing this, I can feel the desired effects taking place. Gotta run!
10:16am - Just had my first "at work elimination." I could feel the storm a brewing while on the L train. Thankfully, I still have control of my sphincter and a pants-pooping disaster was avoided. Unthankfully, I feel like I have another elimination still on deck for later this morning.
11:50am - Went to the bathroom again. I usually don't eliminate this late in the day. Is my butt broken? Or has the Cleanse evolved?
1:35pm - Another elimination! I'm becoming concerned. I think this one burned a bit. Unless I'm just confusing the burning sensation with the soreness of my ass from all the wiping.
8:15pm - Got home from work. Had to eliminate again. I’m glad to be getting rid of all this waste, but come on, my baby-soft bottom needs a break! Remember how yesterday I was bitching about my landlord not turning on the heat, forcing me to spend money on a space heater? Well last night I was enjoying said space heater when I heard a sparking noise coming out of the outlet that the heater and my laptop were plugged into. Being the moron that I am, I thought nothing of it and went back to sipping my laxative tea. It wasn’t until this morning that I realized the power adapter for my laptop had fried and melted into the outlet. So now, thanks to my cheap landlord and my slow metabolism from the Cleanse, I’ve been forced to spend $118.16 on a space heater and a new power adapter. To make matters worse, to get to the Apple store I had to navigate my way through a mass of dumbasses and dickheads waiting for the Halloween parade to start. I’m sure that I could have gotten a new adapter sent to me under my warranty. But since I’m going without food right now, there’s no way in hell I’m going with out internet too.
9:23pm - I finally made a video. (Jeffrey, I borrowed you copy of Details magazine with Jake Gyllenhaal on the cover. In the words of Taylor from Kid Nation, Deal with it!)
12:45am - Did you watch the above video? Do you catch the part where I talked about how excited I was to watch America’s Next Top Model tonight? Well, just like Beatuy and the Geek last night, it was a G.D. “recap” episode. Fuck you CW. Don’t you know I’m very fragile right now, and I need fresh reality TV? Also, for those of you who are considering quitting (Jeffrey!) Don’t forget that you have this too look forward to:
“I had [my spiritual encounter] on Day 5. I felt Him deep, a feeling so unexplainable that I have never had before. I had uncontrollable streaming tears practically on my knees (weeping), along with some very, very strange coincidences and I don’t believe in coincidences. "
8:05am - My poop smells like Freddy Krueger.
9:33am - So I sucked it up and apologized to the old lady. It felt like it was the right thing to do. Hopefully, it will be an example to her on how she should be acting, but it probably won't. The cleaning lady threw out my empty gallon jug I have been using at work for the salt water flush. I had to use about 40 little Dixie cups full of water to do the flush at work today. It was quite the system in the workplace kitchenette. Also, I only put 8 tablespoons of maple syrup instead of 12 because we were gonna run out. I need to buy more on the way home tonight.
10:10am - I have now eliminated four times. Wow. I feel like I just cleansed 4 years of bad attitude out of my butt. My friend Craig asked me what it looks like, so I will tell you, since you are probably curious. It's mostly yellow liquid but with dark flakes, like small bay leaves. It's pretty insane!
11:04am - Wow! It's not stopping! I went two more times! Yikes! This is the scariest thing that has ever happened on Halloween! Here is the funniest thing to happen on Halloween...
1:15pm - Today at "lunch", I sat outside in the sunshine. It felt really great, like an electric sunflower! The warmth and energy from the sun really helped recharge my brain batteries. I drank a good deal of the lemonade and read a book. I feel happy.
1:17pm - The old lady at work is slurping soup and crunching wheat thins. She is disgusting. I want to die.
4:00pm - This is truly the witching hour. On Day 2 and Day 3 around 4:00pm, I thought I was dying. Again, today, the aches are pretty bad. If I feel miserable like this again on Day 5, I am going to be worried. Everything I have heard and seen says that by Day 5 you have some awesome clarity or something. The muscles in my legs are burning, my neck and shoulders are burning, the arches of my feet are burning, Paris Is Burning...
8:18pm - I'm seriously dragging in the energy department. I wish that sun I was sitting in this afternoon was sitting on my face right now. My back hurts, only I don't think it's my back - I think it's my kidneys. My body is deflated weakness. I am unconvinced that this is a good thing. I feel like someone in a concentration camp only my Nazi's are named "Captain Unrequited Love" and "Major Daddy Issues". I'm in the middle of my intern shift at the theatre and I think I am gonna pass out. I would take a nap, but I am afraid I would wake up dead.
9:45pm - I just had a crazy revelation about The Cleanse and what it means to me! I'll explain more on video later... OMG. Crazy! KRAZY!
BETA FIPPEL
11:24pm - Okay blog fans, I'm really sorry that I didn't give updates throughout the day today. I woke up late and was pretty busy at work. Then I had to watch Kid Nation, the best show on television. So, here's my whole Day 4 experience in a nutshell.
As I mentioned in my video yesterday, barring disaster, I'm definitely not going to quit the Cleanse. Days one and two were rough, day three was pretty easy, and today a wicked combination. I woke up this morning and was ready to poop right away, which I haven't been before. It usually takes a while to get the ol' butt bubbling. The poop was a classic Cleanse poo--flakes, felt like I was shitting a river, etc. I had the salt water, which is getting harder for me by the day. My biggest problem with it is that I just don't like the act of drinking. Like, I find swallowing liquid kind of unpleasant. I know it's weird. It's the reason I'm generally dehydrated and another reason that the Cleanse is a good thing for me to be doing.
Between the salt water and leaving for work, I pooped a couple more times, but only once at work. And I was there for almost 8 hours. Weird, huh? Work today was hard, Cleanse-wise, because there were bowls of candy corn everywhere and a truly delicious looking Halloween-themed Entemman's cake. My impulse would normally be to grab a couple of candy corn whenever I passed a bowl, so it was weird and a little bit frustrating to not be able to do that. Liberating too, though. There were also various Halloween parties I wanted to go to tonight, but I figured there would be too much temptation, so I came home after work. I also had a very lethargic, kind of depressing phone conversation with Brian in which we decided that we didn't have the energy to do anything tonight. Also, he would be busy shopping for syrup.
Today at work I had the shoulder, neck, back pain that Jeffrey mentioned a couple of days ago. It was awful. It's like that good pain that you get when someone massages your shoulders really hard, but it went on for hours and there was no sensual rubbing. And furthermore, why am I two days behind Jeffrey? Why aren't we experiencing the exact same things at the exact same time? Why aren't our poop schedules in sync the way girl's period cycles sync up when they spend a lot of time together?
What else... my tongue is white, my poop smells really bad (I mean, the stuff that's coming out now is stuff that's just been sitting in there, festering, for a long time), I haven't had any real "bathroom emergencies," my energy is really up and down. I'm pretty peppy for the first half of the day, but I really start dragging after that. Oh, and I tend to get very hungry at night after drinking the laxative tea. Hopefully this will help teach my body to not be so hungry late at night. After the cleanse, I'm hoping that late-night eating will be one of the bad eating habits I can kick.
It's crazy to think that I haven't eaten anything for 4 days. Does this make me anorexic? And does Dan's alleged vomiting make him bulimic?
BRIAN KENNEDY
5:29am - Didn't even have to wait for the salt water flush to have my first elimination this morning. Woke up early and made a mad dash for the bathroom. Thanks Get Regular! Also, as much as you don't want to read this, I am happy to report that I now have neon yellow liquid coming out of my butt. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!
8:15am - Just finished my salt water flush for the morning. As predicted by the book, it becomes easier to tolerate. (Something to do with the intestinal walls being cleaner.) Not wanting to be late for work again today, I tired the following exercises that are supposed to help speed up the flush:
Exercise 1 - Rub your stomach with the palm of right your hand clockwise 21 times and counter clockwise 13 times.
Exercise 2 - Raise your arms over your head (still standing) and sway them left to right.
Exercise 3 - Spread your feet shoulder width apart and spin your body at the waist from left to right. Let your arms swing with your body. Feel the stretch in your lower back and abdomen.
Exercise 4 - With knees and feet together, bend your knees and squat. Reach with your left hand and touch the tip of your index finger to the outside of your right foot. Now try to do both together with your head facing somewhat forward.
Exercise 5 - Doing the Hatha Yoga Cobra Position is also good as are other exercises that get the intestines stimulated.
I had to google image search the Cobra Position:
And now that I'm done typing this, I can feel the desired effects taking place. Gotta run!
10:16am - Just had my first "at work elimination." I could feel the storm a brewing while on the L train. Thankfully, I still have control of my sphincter and a pants-pooping disaster was avoided. Unthankfully, I feel like I have another elimination still on deck for later this morning.
11:50am - Went to the bathroom again. I usually don't eliminate this late in the day. Is my butt broken? Or has the Cleanse evolved?
1:35pm - Another elimination! I'm becoming concerned. I think this one burned a bit. Unless I'm just confusing the burning sensation with the soreness of my ass from all the wiping.
8:15pm - Got home from work. Had to eliminate again. I’m glad to be getting rid of all this waste, but come on, my baby-soft bottom needs a break! Remember how yesterday I was bitching about my landlord not turning on the heat, forcing me to spend money on a space heater? Well last night I was enjoying said space heater when I heard a sparking noise coming out of the outlet that the heater and my laptop were plugged into. Being the moron that I am, I thought nothing of it and went back to sipping my laxative tea. It wasn’t until this morning that I realized the power adapter for my laptop had fried and melted into the outlet. So now, thanks to my cheap landlord and my slow metabolism from the Cleanse, I’ve been forced to spend $118.16 on a space heater and a new power adapter. To make matters worse, to get to the Apple store I had to navigate my way through a mass of dumbasses and dickheads waiting for the Halloween parade to start. I’m sure that I could have gotten a new adapter sent to me under my warranty. But since I’m going without food right now, there’s no way in hell I’m going with out internet too.
9:23pm - I finally made a video. (Jeffrey, I borrowed you copy of Details magazine with Jake Gyllenhaal on the cover. In the words of Taylor from Kid Nation, Deal with it!)
12:45am - Did you watch the above video? Do you catch the part where I talked about how excited I was to watch America’s Next Top Model tonight? Well, just like Beatuy and the Geek last night, it was a G.D. “recap” episode. Fuck you CW. Don’t you know I’m very fragile right now, and I need fresh reality TV? Also, for those of you who are considering quitting (Jeffrey!) Don’t forget that you have this too look forward to:
“I had [my spiritual encounter] on Day 5. I felt Him deep, a feeling so unexplainable that I have never had before. I had uncontrollable streaming tears practically on my knees (weeping), along with some very, very strange coincidences and I don’t believe in coincidences. "
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Day Three
JEFFREY MARX
10:40am - Today I woke up with a sharp, stabbing pain in what I believe to be my kidneys. I had recorded a video last night at the end of day two, but it didn't upload for some reason. It really agitated me. I will do another tonight. This morning, I made a "Master Cleanse Mix" on my iPod to help stimulate and encourage me on my walks to and from work. Here is the mix, it's amazing and I think you should have the same mix if you are doing The Cleanse. Or at least, make a inspirational mix of some kind. I'm serious. Here is a weird video for the song from "The Biggest Loser" and "Queer As Folk". They should have hired me to make this video, it's really weird for such a great song. It's all 80's student film. Ugh.
Track 1 - "Proud" by Heather Small
Track 2 - "Breakin' Up" by Rilo Kiley
Track 3 - "New Shoes" by Paolo Nutini
Track 4 - "I Feel It All" by Feist
Track 5 - "Love Is Blind" by Annie Lennox
Track 6 - "Where Is My Mind" by The Pixies
Track 7 - "Love Profusion" by Madonna
Track 8 - "Back To The Earth" by Rusted Root
Track 9 - "The Painter" - I'm From Barcelona
Track 10 - "Punchlines" - Mates of State
Track 11 - "Come A Long Way" - Michelle Shocked
Track 12 - "Happier" by Guster
Track 13 - "Be Yourself" by Morcheeba
Track 14 - "Brandy (You're a Fine Girl)" - Looking Glass
I know, "Brandy (You're a Fine Girl)" isn't particularly inspirational, but I just love it and it puts me in a great mood. You know what else puts me in a great mood? Ice, cold fountain Pepsi, onion dip, and Ruffles potato chips.
10:51am - For the past 11 minutes, I have been thinking how weird it is that the guy's voice in the 'Brandy' song doesn't match what he looks like. What a scuzzy dude! He looks like he is going to mouth-rape that microphone! I don't think I like the song as much anymore. Great, now I have to re-do my 'Master Cleanse Mix'. Also, I love that I just got paid for 11 minutes to do nothing but think of this issue.
2:05pm - I drank my lunch in the student lounge today. Much better than smelling every inch of the pizza shop in the cafeteria. I am feeling a little better! It's strange how mindful of your body you become on The Cleanse. Last night, after meditating a little bit in my bed, I made peace with the horrible pain that was building in my neck, shoulders and at some points, my legs. My point of view is that tensions and pain is exiting my body and I am resetting myself. Today, I feel like my body is churning out whatever it needs to churn out in order to reset. My body is still sore, but less so, and it feels like it needs to be, in a good way, in order to rebuild. Jesus, I sound like a fuckin' hippie. Maybe the soreness isn't all this resetting mumbo jumbo, maybe it's a warning signal my body is telling me that I am dying.
3:15pm - I went to go get the president a veggie burger. I got high off the smell of roasted chicken and macaroni and cheese in the cafeteria. I could even smell the organic soap on the college art students. My sense of smell is superhuman! I am going to be on 'Heroes'!
4:15pm - OH MY GOD! We lost another cleanser! Well, it definitely isn't for everyone, that is for sure! I didn't know Dan, like Beta did, but he was a good man in my experience. Plus, he has a really cute dog named Rosie, so that's pretty cool! Good luck, Dan! Also, I know Beta was very excited about Taco Bell's free tacos for every stolen base during that baseball game tournament, but Jon (who quit the cleanse before it even started) sent me this link today! I mean, if Jon is giving his free tacos away, why isn't he just doing The Cleanse?
5:10pm - Record 'Day 3' video. I got in a tiff with the crabby old lady who sits behind me at work as I was on my way out the door. I harnessed my emotions into an after work video. She doesn't know how to turn on her computer so I am not too worried about her finding a youtube video.
6:24pm - Just remembered Britney Spears new CD comes out today! Damn, I don't have any money until Friday! I spent all my money on lemons and toilet paper! Now, I have to go on a Britney fast too! This cleanse is probably similar to what Britney is going through this year. Poor Brit-brit. I hope she doesn't go crazy forever! I also hope I don't accidentally show everyone my vagina while I am on The Cleanse!
6:25pm - BRITNEY IS AVAILABLE TO LISTEN TO FOR FREE ON MYSPACE! Well isn't this a treat? It's like the musical version of a cheeseburger and a caramel frapuccino! OMG. I love right now!
11:59pm - About an hour ago, I noticed that my tongue is totally white. You know how E.T. and Elliot turn all white and pasty at the end of the movie because they love each other and their pain is each other's pain? Well, my tongue looks like E.T. If you're doing The Cleanse right, your tongue turns white, or so I am told. Also, my teeth have a strange acidic film over them. I assume it is from all the citric acid. While today was better than yesterday, I am still sore and weak. I hope to jump into the day tomorrow with more strength and a winning attitude with the lady from work. I fear she may become the emotional dumping ground of all that is purging from my mental and physical system. Also, Britney's new CD is an awesomely over-produced piece of sweet-ass electro-pop. I-love-it.
BETA FIPPEL
1:33pm First of all, what's the deal with Jeffrey spelling my fake name wrong?? It's Fippel. Not Fipple. Second, I feel like I must be doing something wrong, because I feel just fine. For the most part. Last night I think I jumped the gun on the laxative tea. I thought I was going to go to bed early, so I stopped drinking the lemonade and had the tea at about 10pm. Then I was up for another 2 hours and was really, really hungry. But, since I've never read the official cleanse book, I didn't know if I was allowed to have more lemonade or not, so I played it safe and just stayed hungry. I woke up at 12:40pm today, since I'm not working, and my stomach felt totally normal. I peed and farted a little, tiny fart, but no poop came out. The salt water got things moving and I expelled some pretty gnarly poo flakes, but otherwise I'm not feeling too tired or cranky or crampy or anything. And my cold seems to be passing, so I'm going to stick it out. Unless I have a relapse. For those of you who've read the book, am I doing something wrong? Should my stomach be more crazy right now? It's a little gurgly, but that's it.
4:08pm Boy are my butt cheeks red (figuratively). I was so wrong about the cleanse not working. After I posted earlier today, I pooped (and by pooped, I mean peed out of my butt) three times in a row. And now I'm just going about my daily business, watching I Love New York and so forth. Oh, and I can't believe the cleanse is happening during this! Also, apparently Dan has quit, which is disappointing, but not surprising if you know Dan. And I'd recommend just drinking orange juice today, instead of trying to eat solids. I think that's what you're supposed to do, to come off the cleanse, right? Juice for a day, soup for a day, and then take it easy solid-food-wise for a couple more days?
BRIAN KENNEDY
9:17am Very disappointed in my bowel movements. Hardly anything this morning. I think part of the problem is that I'm not drinking the flush quickly enough. Jeffrey told me to pretend it's cum, but that doesn't help me. I'm not a cum pig like Jeffrey. Also, our apartment is freezing because our stingy landlord has yet to turn on the heat, and drinking the flush makes me really cold. I'm so fragile right now! Uh-oh, my stomach just made a noise. Let's hope for a more fulfilling BM this time. I should be leaving for work right now.
9:29am Just got back from the bathroom. I've graduated to semi-solid BMs! Hooray!!! I'm sooo gonna be late for work.
9:55am - Made my lemon-maple-ade. Sat on the toilet some more. Supposed to be at work in 5 minutes. (Jeffrey, if you get home before me tonight, buy more TP before using the bathroom.)
10:37am - Made it to work (late.) Didn't crap my pants on the A train. Feeling more energetic. Thanks Master Cleanse!
3:05pm - Although Day Three is definitely treating me better than Day Two did, my thought process for every waking second is still "I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse."
8:00pm - Home from work. Day went pretty well. Felt really down around 4:30, but it quickly passed. My back is hurting again and my tongue has been rolling around my mouth all day wondering why it's so empty, but I've definitely had more energy and my caffeine headaches are gone. Also, my tongue now has a white coat over it, which is a sign that my body is detoxing. Not sure if I put that in the "annoying things about the Cleanse" or the "good things about the Cleanse" column. I like how "the Cleanse" is capitalized, like it's a cult. Jeffrey and I are doing laundry tonight and I just got back from Home Depot, where I purchased a space heater. While waiting in line at the Depot I got sort of mad thinking about the fact that I had to spend $32.50 because my landlord is too cheap to turn on the heat. But thanks to the Cleanse, I am learning to let go of such annoyances by reminding myself that things could always be worse... I could be starving.
9:48pm - The Cleanse is decidedly much easier to do at home, especially when it's just me, Jeffrey and a bunch of empty cupboards. Right now Jeffrey is making me watch Yo! Gabba Gabba, which is bascially a modren day H.R. Pufnstuf. If you are unfamiliar with either show, they're both kids shows that are not for kids. They're for adults on weed. I'm on my last glass of lemon-maple-ade for the night, but I used limes this time, quite a refreshing change. Oh yeah, I also just read that Coolio is going to have his own reality show on Oxygen. That has absolutely nothing to do with the Cleanse, but I find it hilarious. And speaking of Gangsta's Paradise, Robert Goulet just died. Sad.
DAN FRIEDMAN
10:47am I woke up six times during the night: twice to go dry-heave, twice to have stomach cramps and poop, once to just have stomach cramps without pooping, and once because my neighbor locked herself out of the building and buzzed me to let her back in. I think I probably frightened her when I picked up the intercom because I was so cranky. At least, she sounded pretty frightened when she hastily apologized four times and explained the situation and then apologized again.
The point is: I was all set to give up this morning and eat some dry white toast, but then I read Jeffrey's blog post from last night and watched the YouTube video he linked to, and it really inspired me to give it a little more time. So: I skipped the saltwater rinse, because I started it and I nearly puked, but I'm back to slowly sipping the lemonade even though it continues to taste like an Elm tree.
3:43pm That does it for me. I don't know if I'm doing the Cleanse wrong, or if my body's just not made for this abuse, or if I just have some other sickness going on, but I'm taking the Coward's Way Out™ and quitting. I've already eaten a piece of dry toast, and while I still feel crappy (with cramps and all) I think this is probably the right decision. My therapist, Dr. HHHFeld told me I should stop... and by "told me I should stop," I mean that he said I must really hate myself to be doing this to my body.
I guess this is it for me and the Master Cleanse... two attempts and failure both times. So I suppose I have to ignominiously drop out of this blog, as well. It's a sad day to be me--unlike most days. Anyway, you can still visit me at the ole Vile Monotony if you want to keep track of how the shame of failing the Cleanse is affecting me.
Hugs & Kisses,
DJ Dickmutt
10:40am - Today I woke up with a sharp, stabbing pain in what I believe to be my kidneys. I had recorded a video last night at the end of day two, but it didn't upload for some reason. It really agitated me. I will do another tonight. This morning, I made a "Master Cleanse Mix" on my iPod to help stimulate and encourage me on my walks to and from work. Here is the mix, it's amazing and I think you should have the same mix if you are doing The Cleanse. Or at least, make a inspirational mix of some kind. I'm serious. Here is a weird video for the song from "The Biggest Loser" and "Queer As Folk". They should have hired me to make this video, it's really weird for such a great song. It's all 80's student film. Ugh.
Track 1 - "Proud" by Heather Small
Track 2 - "Breakin' Up" by Rilo Kiley
Track 3 - "New Shoes" by Paolo Nutini
Track 4 - "I Feel It All" by Feist
Track 5 - "Love Is Blind" by Annie Lennox
Track 6 - "Where Is My Mind" by The Pixies
Track 7 - "Love Profusion" by Madonna
Track 8 - "Back To The Earth" by Rusted Root
Track 9 - "The Painter" - I'm From Barcelona
Track 10 - "Punchlines" - Mates of State
Track 11 - "Come A Long Way" - Michelle Shocked
Track 12 - "Happier" by Guster
Track 13 - "Be Yourself" by Morcheeba
Track 14 - "Brandy (You're a Fine Girl)" - Looking Glass
I know, "Brandy (You're a Fine Girl)" isn't particularly inspirational, but I just love it and it puts me in a great mood. You know what else puts me in a great mood? Ice, cold fountain Pepsi, onion dip, and Ruffles potato chips.
10:51am - For the past 11 minutes, I have been thinking how weird it is that the guy's voice in the 'Brandy' song doesn't match what he looks like. What a scuzzy dude! He looks like he is going to mouth-rape that microphone! I don't think I like the song as much anymore. Great, now I have to re-do my 'Master Cleanse Mix'. Also, I love that I just got paid for 11 minutes to do nothing but think of this issue.
2:05pm - I drank my lunch in the student lounge today. Much better than smelling every inch of the pizza shop in the cafeteria. I am feeling a little better! It's strange how mindful of your body you become on The Cleanse. Last night, after meditating a little bit in my bed, I made peace with the horrible pain that was building in my neck, shoulders and at some points, my legs. My point of view is that tensions and pain is exiting my body and I am resetting myself. Today, I feel like my body is churning out whatever it needs to churn out in order to reset. My body is still sore, but less so, and it feels like it needs to be, in a good way, in order to rebuild. Jesus, I sound like a fuckin' hippie. Maybe the soreness isn't all this resetting mumbo jumbo, maybe it's a warning signal my body is telling me that I am dying.
3:15pm - I went to go get the president a veggie burger. I got high off the smell of roasted chicken and macaroni and cheese in the cafeteria. I could even smell the organic soap on the college art students. My sense of smell is superhuman! I am going to be on 'Heroes'!
4:15pm - OH MY GOD! We lost another cleanser! Well, it definitely isn't for everyone, that is for sure! I didn't know Dan, like Beta did, but he was a good man in my experience. Plus, he has a really cute dog named Rosie, so that's pretty cool! Good luck, Dan! Also, I know Beta was very excited about Taco Bell's free tacos for every stolen base during that baseball game tournament, but Jon (who quit the cleanse before it even started) sent me this link today! I mean, if Jon is giving his free tacos away, why isn't he just doing The Cleanse?
5:10pm - Record 'Day 3' video. I got in a tiff with the crabby old lady who sits behind me at work as I was on my way out the door. I harnessed my emotions into an after work video. She doesn't know how to turn on her computer so I am not too worried about her finding a youtube video.
6:24pm - Just remembered Britney Spears new CD comes out today! Damn, I don't have any money until Friday! I spent all my money on lemons and toilet paper! Now, I have to go on a Britney fast too! This cleanse is probably similar to what Britney is going through this year. Poor Brit-brit. I hope she doesn't go crazy forever! I also hope I don't accidentally show everyone my vagina while I am on The Cleanse!
6:25pm - BRITNEY IS AVAILABLE TO LISTEN TO FOR FREE ON MYSPACE! Well isn't this a treat? It's like the musical version of a cheeseburger and a caramel frapuccino! OMG. I love right now!
11:59pm - About an hour ago, I noticed that my tongue is totally white. You know how E.T. and Elliot turn all white and pasty at the end of the movie because they love each other and their pain is each other's pain? Well, my tongue looks like E.T. If you're doing The Cleanse right, your tongue turns white, or so I am told. Also, my teeth have a strange acidic film over them. I assume it is from all the citric acid. While today was better than yesterday, I am still sore and weak. I hope to jump into the day tomorrow with more strength and a winning attitude with the lady from work. I fear she may become the emotional dumping ground of all that is purging from my mental and physical system. Also, Britney's new CD is an awesomely over-produced piece of sweet-ass electro-pop. I-love-it.
BETA FIPPEL
1:33pm First of all, what's the deal with Jeffrey spelling my fake name wrong?? It's Fippel. Not Fipple. Second, I feel like I must be doing something wrong, because I feel just fine. For the most part. Last night I think I jumped the gun on the laxative tea. I thought I was going to go to bed early, so I stopped drinking the lemonade and had the tea at about 10pm. Then I was up for another 2 hours and was really, really hungry. But, since I've never read the official cleanse book, I didn't know if I was allowed to have more lemonade or not, so I played it safe and just stayed hungry. I woke up at 12:40pm today, since I'm not working, and my stomach felt totally normal. I peed and farted a little, tiny fart, but no poop came out. The salt water got things moving and I expelled some pretty gnarly poo flakes, but otherwise I'm not feeling too tired or cranky or crampy or anything. And my cold seems to be passing, so I'm going to stick it out. Unless I have a relapse. For those of you who've read the book, am I doing something wrong? Should my stomach be more crazy right now? It's a little gurgly, but that's it.
4:08pm Boy are my butt cheeks red (figuratively). I was so wrong about the cleanse not working. After I posted earlier today, I pooped (and by pooped, I mean peed out of my butt) three times in a row. And now I'm just going about my daily business, watching I Love New York and so forth. Oh, and I can't believe the cleanse is happening during this! Also, apparently Dan has quit, which is disappointing, but not surprising if you know Dan. And I'd recommend just drinking orange juice today, instead of trying to eat solids. I think that's what you're supposed to do, to come off the cleanse, right? Juice for a day, soup for a day, and then take it easy solid-food-wise for a couple more days?
BRIAN KENNEDY
9:17am Very disappointed in my bowel movements. Hardly anything this morning. I think part of the problem is that I'm not drinking the flush quickly enough. Jeffrey told me to pretend it's cum, but that doesn't help me. I'm not a cum pig like Jeffrey. Also, our apartment is freezing because our stingy landlord has yet to turn on the heat, and drinking the flush makes me really cold. I'm so fragile right now! Uh-oh, my stomach just made a noise. Let's hope for a more fulfilling BM this time. I should be leaving for work right now.
9:29am Just got back from the bathroom. I've graduated to semi-solid BMs! Hooray!!! I'm sooo gonna be late for work.
9:55am - Made my lemon-maple-ade. Sat on the toilet some more. Supposed to be at work in 5 minutes. (Jeffrey, if you get home before me tonight, buy more TP before using the bathroom.)
10:37am - Made it to work (late.) Didn't crap my pants on the A train. Feeling more energetic. Thanks Master Cleanse!
3:05pm - Although Day Three is definitely treating me better than Day Two did, my thought process for every waking second is still "I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse."
8:00pm - Home from work. Day went pretty well. Felt really down around 4:30, but it quickly passed. My back is hurting again and my tongue has been rolling around my mouth all day wondering why it's so empty, but I've definitely had more energy and my caffeine headaches are gone. Also, my tongue now has a white coat over it, which is a sign that my body is detoxing. Not sure if I put that in the "annoying things about the Cleanse" or the "good things about the Cleanse" column. I like how "the Cleanse" is capitalized, like it's a cult. Jeffrey and I are doing laundry tonight and I just got back from Home Depot, where I purchased a space heater. While waiting in line at the Depot I got sort of mad thinking about the fact that I had to spend $32.50 because my landlord is too cheap to turn on the heat. But thanks to the Cleanse, I am learning to let go of such annoyances by reminding myself that things could always be worse... I could be starving.
9:48pm - The Cleanse is decidedly much easier to do at home, especially when it's just me, Jeffrey and a bunch of empty cupboards. Right now Jeffrey is making me watch Yo! Gabba Gabba, which is bascially a modren day H.R. Pufnstuf. If you are unfamiliar with either show, they're both kids shows that are not for kids. They're for adults on weed. I'm on my last glass of lemon-maple-ade for the night, but I used limes this time, quite a refreshing change. Oh yeah, I also just read that Coolio is going to have his own reality show on Oxygen. That has absolutely nothing to do with the Cleanse, but I find it hilarious. And speaking of Gangsta's Paradise, Robert Goulet just died. Sad.
DAN FRIEDMAN
10:47am I woke up six times during the night: twice to go dry-heave, twice to have stomach cramps and poop, once to just have stomach cramps without pooping, and once because my neighbor locked herself out of the building and buzzed me to let her back in. I think I probably frightened her when I picked up the intercom because I was so cranky. At least, she sounded pretty frightened when she hastily apologized four times and explained the situation and then apologized again.
The point is: I was all set to give up this morning and eat some dry white toast, but then I read Jeffrey's blog post from last night and watched the YouTube video he linked to, and it really inspired me to give it a little more time. So: I skipped the saltwater rinse, because I started it and I nearly puked, but I'm back to slowly sipping the lemonade even though it continues to taste like an Elm tree.
3:43pm That does it for me. I don't know if I'm doing the Cleanse wrong, or if my body's just not made for this abuse, or if I just have some other sickness going on, but I'm taking the Coward's Way Out™ and quitting. I've already eaten a piece of dry toast, and while I still feel crappy (with cramps and all) I think this is probably the right decision. My therapist, Dr. HHHFeld told me I should stop... and by "told me I should stop," I mean that he said I must really hate myself to be doing this to my body.
I guess this is it for me and the Master Cleanse... two attempts and failure both times. So I suppose I have to ignominiously drop out of this blog, as well. It's a sad day to be me--unlike most days. Anyway, you can still visit me at the ole Vile Monotony if you want to keep track of how the shame of failing the Cleanse is affecting me.
Hugs & Kisses,
DJ Dickmutt
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