Day Two

JEFFREY MARX

9:21am - First day at work on The Cleanse. I had normal poops in the morning. Then, I did the salt water wash (which is the worst thing in the world). I am waiting for the ass-splosion. My shoulders and neck are very sore. Not sure if that has anything to do with anything (perhaps toxins mobilizing?). I tried to Gmail Gchat Beth just now and she signed off immediately. She always has a red dot by her status message anyway, so I am not gonna take it personally. Red dots suck.

9:48am - I just peed out of my ass.

1:15pm - Man, my shoulders hurt! I had an awkward interaction with a slice of pizza in the cafeteria. I brought my cleanse juice and a book I am reading about molestation down to my usual sitting space. Big mistake! That slice of pizza almost jumped into my face! I will have to find a new place to "eat lunch" at work during this adventure.

3:50pm - My neck and shoulders are crying. So much built up tension is being agitated. This is rough. I'm not so much missing food, as I am missing my neck not dying. I have a dead neck.

4:57pm - Making copies for my sketch class. My shoulders are so mad at me. I think they might try to beat me up and take my lunch money... oh wait, I don't have any lunch money because I am not eating anything.

10:06pm - Hobble to the subway after sketch class. Immediately fall asleep on the A train listening to Annie Lennox.

10:55pm - Holy fuck. What a painful day. I just got back from sketch class. I peed an amazing amount of times today. My neck and shoulder pain is still operating at about a level 8. My upbeat attitude is still strong except I almost lost it with the old lady who sits by me at work. Also, I fought being testy in my sketch class tonight too (but seriously, I should not have to explain what a 'top' or 'bottom' is in gay lingo to justify my sketch, people should know what those terms are, am I crazy?). I got home to see the blog updated by my wonderful cleanse comrades! I hope they are OK. I know it's tough, gang! Hold on! If you guys have to stop, that's OK. We won't be mad at you. Brian would be mad at me if I quit, but you guys could and it would be alright.

11:43pm - Drinking my poop tea and reading about molestation.



BETA FIPPEL

10am-ish - My computer was all effed up this morning. I was on my boss's computer and had to switch to mine as soon as Jeffrey gchatted me. Also, the red dot is especially important now that I could have to go to the bathroom at any moment.

I woke up at about 5:30am today with some stomach cramps, probably from the laxative tea I had last night. I wasn't quite ready to poop, though. My body is crazy. When I was getting ready for work, I eliminated a few flakes--presumably stuff that's been stuck in my colon for years.

Also, I peed out of my ass at almost the exact same time Jeffrey did!

5:12pm - I'm officially sick. I have a runny nose, sore throat, and possibly a fever. I've been trying to fend this thing off for about a week, but it has finally hit. I think it took the opportunity yesterday when I stopped eating to get me. I'm taking tomorrow off work to try to recuperate, but since this is all about being healthy, I'm not going to continue the cleanse if it's making me sick. Makes sense, right? This is all very suspenseful. Will I continue or not...?!?!? And, as a side note, I use my 32 oz. nalgene bottle for the salt water and then for the lemonade. Is that going to make me sick like Brian and Jeffrey's water bottles? And, as another side note, as I get to the bottom of the nalgene, the cayenne pepper is really intense. I might keel over.

BRIAN KENNEDY

11:04am - Even after drinking my lukewarm swimming pool water, I mean salt water flush, this morning, I still managed to have a solid BM. No pissing out of my ass yet! However, it was a pretty nasty looking BM. Like if a BM had been sitting out for too long and it got moldy. Also, it was very lumpy and I believe I saw some old spinach leaves in it. Yes, I plan to torture all of you who can eat by describing my poop. I'm doing my best to make you lose your appetite. Right now I'm at work, but I have to leave soon to go to a meeting at a hospital where there is going to be FREE LUNCH! It is killing me right now that I have to pass on a free lunch.

3:02pm - Just got back from the hospital. Very proud of myself for being able to sit through watching everyone else eat delicious club sandwiches. I was even able to keep my calm when they passed the cookie tray around. However, now that I'm back at work, I am truly being tested. Not only is my co-worker (who just had her wisdom teeth taken out) eating a giant tupperware container full of mashed potatoes. But a package full of Halloween candy from my mom just arrived. Fun sized 3 Musketeers (one of my favs) and a Starbucks giftcard (I'm already experiencing headaches from the caffeine withdrawal.) Ughhh. Right now I am very unhappy to be drinking my lemon-maple water, which's taste is quickly losing favor with me.

3:48pm - Another one of my co-workers is now eating a portabella mushroom burger with the best looking french fries in the world. Why oh why, does the break table have to be down in the basement where I work? Right now he is taunting me with a fry, little does he know that in doing so, he is only making me stronger. I love proving people wrong.

8:13pm Home from work, lying in bed, no energy. Plan was to do laundry and wash dishes. Not gonna happen. Can barely type. But according to book, this is just a detox symptom that I need to embrace. It means the Cleanse is working. After an "elimination" tomorrow, I should feel better. Oh yeah, and after work tonight I had to stop by the grocery store to pick up more maple syrup and some measuring spoons. I almost cried.

12:17am Watched a bunch of Netflix, feeling better, even did the dishes. Getting ready for bed now, starting to feel worse again just thinking about tomorrow's salt water flush.

DAN FRIEDMAN

Well, my "night before" was last night (Sunday night), because I had to go to a steakhouse for my sister's birthday dinner, and I couldn't see explaining to my family that I was going on an insane crash diet, even if Beyoncé did it. They really have no respect for the tremendous strides Beyoncé has made in nutrition.

That being said, the meal wasn't just at any steakhouse, it was at Peter Luger Steakhouse in Brooklyn, which means that I basically ate a cow. I thought this would be a really great way to begin the Cleanse, since I'd basically be stuffing myself before completely emptying myself. Then I had last night's laxative tea. I ended up having to plunge my toilet three times. LITERALLY THREE TIMES! How disgusting is that? Not as disgusting as if you really think about the color of the water I was putting my plunger in. I actually started to feel sorry for my plunger.

I have a little beagle puppy, just over a year old, named Rosie, and she kept thinking that all the going to the bathroom, then plunging, then going to bed, then to the bathroom, then plunging, then going to bed, etc. was some sort of confusing, smelly game. And I have to agree with her.

6:50 pm - Today--my first full day on the cleanse--has been an unmitigated disaster. The pooping hasn't even been the worst problem. I mean, sure, I peed out my butt about thirty minutes after the salt water rinse, but the real problem is that the lemonade itself is making me sick. I was told that I would start to crave this stuff by the end of the first day, but it's begun to taste like what I imagine tree sap must taste like, and I can't even drink it any more.

For most of the day, I was getting stomach cramps approximately once every two minutes. I mean, horrible horrible stomach cramps. The kind of cramps that I imagine women must be complaining about when they complain about the crap that goes on with their body.

Anyway, the cramps got so bad that I thought I would vomit around 1pm... and then I did vomit, about an hour and half ago. I'm not drinking any more lemonade, right now, just sips of water, and we'll see how it feels tomorrow. I don't know if I can do the laxative tea tonight, though... I'm really afraid of dry-heaving at this point. FUN!