JEFFREY MARX
5:00pm - I got home last night (this morning) at 4:45am. I started the evening off over at Craig's house where I went through the whole cleanse experience again. It's such a great thing to talk about to someone who won't think you are totally crazy. He and I had polar opposite weeks. Mine was the best ever and his was shitty because he got stuck working by himself all week at work and was completely overwhelmed. Another example of how ying and yang is evident in everyone's life.
A good friend of his from California met at his house. He had come directly from the airport and was starving so we went to meet up with The London Girls for dinner. The London Girls are friends of Craig's from, um, London. I was excited to have my first real meal back from The Cleanse and I wanted to be picky and have an opinion on where we ate, but decided to just go with the flow. I was sure I would find something soft and gentle at wherever we ended up.
We ended up eating at an Etheopian restaraunt. I love that after 5 days of fasting, my first meal was at an fucking Etheopian restaraunt! Hilarious. We all sat around the table and were served giant proportions of amazing vegetarian food. Everything was served to us in a group dish, which the back of the menu said signifies friendship and harmony. I was adventurous and decided to enjoy a glass of Cabernet with dinner. It was like tasting everything for the first time. The wine bled into every ounce of my being! It felt great! I ended up drinking 5 glasses of wine. The high I felt from my body digesting this terrific food and the easy drunk I was getting from the wine made me elated.
After dinner, we all walked to a salsa bar. The London Girls paid our way into the bar where we were the only whiteys. I loved the music! My heart felt the passion only my body isn't used to dancing to that music, it's used to dancing to this music. The London Girls were a goddamn delight. So friendly and funny! Craig's friend from Cali knew every word to every song at the bar! We were quite the scene in the middle of the crowded salsa extravaganza. Laughing, dancing, and enjoying my newfound buzz on life lasted all night...
...until The London Girls bought me a shot of tequila. My kidneys went into overdrive. I was so drunk! I drunk dialed some friends back home and watched a crazed and drunken Latino throw hundreds of dollars out of his wallet and onto the floor in the street. His girlfriend was shivering and crying next to him yelling, "What the fuck are you doing? I make twice as much as you! You are being an idiot!" I went back inside and gave a few lap dances to my new friends. I made it home in one piece. Tonight, I am supposed to meet up with them again, but I am going to take it easy on the booze. I was terribly hung over this morning. Welcome back, liquor!
BETA FIPPEL
11:44am - Yesterday's bus ride was pretty bad. I didn't have to poop at any point during the FIVE HOUR ride, but my back was killing me the whole time. I kept squirming around like a freak. The guy next to me seemed a little freaked out, but seeing as he was watching Everybody Loves Raymond on his laptop for the whole ride, I think I'm the one who had license to be freaked out. My back feels better today. Hopefully it'll stay that way. And now it's time for my second "elimination" of the day. The salt water made me want to vomit this morning.
4:28pm - Sitting here while Craitzy prepares cupcakes for her party and it's pretty much killing me. Also, while shopping for birthday party supplies, my butt started leaking. That was pretty gross. I got to a bathroom before anything too serious happened, though, so don't worry. Thank g-d I packed that extra pair of underwear for my trip. Too graphic?
BRIAN KENNEDY
7:40am - My butthole is my new alarm clock. Even though today is Saturday, and I have absolutely nothing to do, I still woke up at early to shoot liquid out of me bum. I'm hoping to fall back asleep now, so that I can delay the dreaded salt water flush for a few hours.
1:51pm - I think my body was definitely detoxing last night. I feel much better today. Although I may have more energy, I'm not really doing anything with it. Sure I got up early, but I also just spent the last 6 hours in bed. Now I'm trying to will myself to get up, take a shower, and leave the house to run some errands. Usually a good trick to getting myself out of the house early on a Saturday is to think about going to get coffee. However, I don't think heating up my lemon-maple-ade and putting it in a styrofoam cup is going to do the trick this weekend.
7:25pm - Physically, I am doing just fine today. But mentally, I think I am becoming unhinged. I have energy. My back is feeling better. And I don't even feel hungry. But I did find myself thinking about food a lot. It didn't help that I was out and about shopping today, passing by the 8 million restaurants, diners, delis, hot dog stands and Nuts4Nuts carts in Manhattan. I was feeling pretty down, but then again I was shopping, and shopping always depresses me.
First I went to the Brooklyn Target which is my version of hell. I don't even remember what I went there for, but whatever it was, I didn't find it. Next I went to Surprise, Surprise!, an Asian "everything" store in the East Village. I was hoping to finally find some blinds for my room, a task that over the past couple of months, has proved to be quite difficult. Today I actually found the exact type I was looking for, but (surprise, surprise!) the only size that they didn't have in stock was the one I needed. So far, all I had to show for my shopping was rubber gloves, bathroom wipes, undershirts and a pair of black dress socks. Oh yeah, I also bought some stretchy winter gloves, which made my cold little fingers quite happy. At least some part of me could experience joy today.
On my way over to Union Square I almost gave up on my shopping and tried to catch a showing of Michael Clayton, but alas, there was no 5:00 show. So I had to keep on keeping on. But thankfully, the rest of my shopping turned out to be a little more fruitful. I went into DSW in search of black dress shoes, a task I had been putting off because I hate dress shoes. Why anyone would want to wear square shoes on their round feet is beyond me. At first I was having trouble finding anything that fit. I seriously felt like one of Cinderella's ugly step sisters trying on the glass slipper. But finally, way back in the discount section, I found a pair of round Kenneth Coles that I could actually squeeze my apparently too fat feet into. During the time that I was trying on shoes I noticed a creepy old man with long, stringy, white hair (that may or may not have been a wig) and a tweed jacket, checking me out. And I mean he was checking me out! Normally I don't even pick up on when someone is giving me the old up and down, but this gross old thing was not being very subtle about it. He kept following me around the store, staring me down hardcore, waiting for me to look back at him. Seriously, he was everywhere I turned! I kept my eyes to the ground and was very thankful to find what I needed and get in the checkout line.
After leaving Old Man Creepy in my dust, I made my last stop for the night at Bed, Bath and Beyond... a store that I have become all too familiar with ever since my move back in September. I easily navigated my way through the store and found the shelves that I was looking for. Next I hit up the candle section, because apparently I love candles now. I quickly became a little too obsessed with smelling the Yankee Candles. Pumpkin Pie, MacIntosh Apple, Cider Donut! But the one that really put me over the edge was Vanilla Cupcake. It had a picture of cupcakes on it! I almost cried. On my way to the cash register I was confronted with a dilemma. B,B&B has these big plastic teddy bear containers of animal crackers that I love. Not knowing when I would be back at B,B&B again, I decided to suck it up and buy them, knowing full well that I won't be able to eat them for another 5-7 days.
Not that I'm home, I'm feeling a little more balanced. I survived another day of the Cleanse and honestly, it doesn't even bother me that Jeffrey is cooking in the kitchen right now. If only I can find a way to not leave my house for the next three days, everything will work out just fine!
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Friday, November 2, 2007
Day Six
JEFFREY MARX
10:00am - If Brian thinks I should stop blogging, then he has another thing coming! All pertinent cleanse related material will be posted! He tried to leave me off the blog entry today! So this morning I started with a nice cup of watery tomato soup, my new favorite thing in the world. I had a liquidy poop from last night's soup and bread. It's very strange how you can feel the entire digestive process kick back into gear. I imagine this feeling can be very powerful for someone who is addicted to laxatives or something. It makes me feel high! I saw an episode of 'Intervention' that reminded me of this concept. My stomach is definitely knotty (and naughty), but not to my detriment. At work, I enjoyed a sweet-ass banana. Wow. The flavor skyrocketed in my mouth causing a banana brushfire to ignite my soul!
That was the most ridiculous sentence I have ever written.
11:00am - OMG, I just hallucinated. I was looking down at my keyboard and saw three black, yet transparent, bugs crawl into the keys. It was like shrooms kicking in or something. I refilled my giant glass of water to make sure I am not dehydrated. I can't wait for lunch. I am gonna try a salad.
4:15pm - That was one intense salad! It was a potpourri of flavor bursts - carrots, olives, tomatoes, red onions, a few jalapenos, oil & vinegar, and of course lettuce, which, surprisingly, has taste! You know what does not have taste during The Cleanse? Semen. My salad, banana and soup from this morning have made a firmer poo this afternoon. Tonight, I am going out and might try a glass of wine with a light dinner, maybe sushi or something.
BETA FIPPEL
9:35am - I got roped into working this morning before I head to Boston for a whirlwind trip filled with black pugs and birthday parties, so I'm sitting at my desk thinking about how I really, really wish I could go to the bathroom. But I can't. I have to sit her to wait for my boss to call. This is a disaster. I very well might poop my pants/chair/life. Also, the last time Dan and I tried to do the Cleanse we read a blog the night before we started that had the most valuable piece of Cleanse advice yet. It warns, "If you feel that you have the need to flatulate after having drank the tea or the saline wash, DON'T. Because it's not gas!" Many a time have I felt the need to "flatulate" during the past five days, and I might have done it if not for that blessed blog.
11:28am - I'm blogging again because I'm about to leave work (I hope!!) and I probably won't be able to update again until late tonight, if at all. I forgot to mention that the night of Day 3, I drank a cup of mint tea at my sister's apartment and it was the most delicious thing I've ever tasted. Jeffrey's banana explosion reminded me of how excited I am for food/drinks to taste ridiculously good when I'm done with the Cleanse.
BRIAN KENNEDY
7:43am - Another sure sign that this Cleanse is crackalicious: Usually to wake it takes my cellphone, my regular alarm clock, and at least one hit of the snooze button. Today I was up after one try. This is just like that time Jesse was on caffeine pills. I'm so... scared!
9:40am - It's amazing how much stuff can still pour out of your ass after 6 days of not eating. Sure, the majority of it is liquid, but there's still a bit of flakey, brown sediment. Seriously, that shit must be older than this guy. I'm really starting to look forward to having fresh, solid BMs again.
11:35am - Two eliminations in under 30 minutes! That almost sounds like an ad for Dominos Pizza. The first elimination was a gusher. The second, more of an afterthought. However, with the second one I think I finally experienced the flaming shit that the book was talking about. It definitely felt hot. My butthole is burning like a ring of fire right now. But on the upside, this means I'm becoming less toxic.
3:13pm - I just got of the phone with my bank. I had finally got around to ordering new checks a couple of weeks ago, but they were still M.I.A. According the my friendly banking representative, they had been sent to my old address and I would have to cancel those checks and pay another fee for new ones. I held my ground and acted all pissy towards her, but you know what, it got me what I wanted. Afterwards, I wondered if I was irritable with her because of the Cleanse... but then I decided no, I was not. As I choose see it, thanks to the Cleanse I have stopped being a pushover, no longer letting people take advantage of my good natured ways. It's either that, or I have turned into a total cunt.
7:40pm - Home from work, things seem to be going downhill. Today started out great. I had good energy. I could hardly feel any pain in my back. And on my subway ride to work, while reading the theater section in Time Out, I actually thought to myself, Hey, maybe I'll return to my theater roots and give playwriting another shot after this cleanse is over. WRONG. By the end of the workday my spirits were down, my back felt like it had a gaping fleshwound in it, and I had convinced myself that I would spend the rest of my life working in a pharmacy. After work I stopped at C-Town to pick up more maple syrup, limes and water. I felt like it was Day 2 & 3 all over again. Food was practically jumping off the shelf taunting me. Arriving back home rather depressed, I immediately slipped into my pajamas, made my first glass of lime-maple juice for to night, crawled into bed and readied myself for a long night of Netflix.
I feel like there are probably a number of reasons (some Cleanse related, some not) for me feeling so glum:
1. Decrease In Sugar. This morning I ran out of maple syrup. I only used 6 tablespoons instead of 12, which may be why I had less energy.
2. Financial Burden. Today was payday, which is always good. But it was also payday, which means I had to pay rent and my credit card bill. I only have a little over $200 to last me the next two weeks. Thank god lemons are cheap!
3. Seven Day Cycle. Day 2, 3 and 7 are supposed to be the hardest while on the Cleanse. Day 1 is more of a mental challenge than a physical one. At that point you at least still have some food in your system to keep you going. But by Day 2 & 3 that food is gone and your body is fucked. Then you're okay for a few day, until you reach Day 7, which is supposed to be hard because your body detoxes in seven-day cycles. I know today is only Day 6, but the book said it can be a day off sometimes. So maybe I'm having my detox period early.
4. Amazing Race Applications. My sister and I have been talking for years about applying to be on the Amazing Race. I know my sister would be perfect for this show. She's cute, funny and blonde. But most importantly, she can sweet talk anyone into getting what she wants. I realize that I may be a little too dry and sarcastic for the show, but I'll fake it as much as I have to and ride her coattails the rest of the way. Also, we're both uber competitive and hate losing. You should see us playing board games together. This year was the first that I actually noticed the casting call before the deadline was past. However, we have no way of video taping ourself together before Nov. 27. I know it doesn't really matter, since our chances of getting on would be worse than our chances of finding a bag containing a million dollar just lying in the street. But still, everyone's gotta have a pipe dream... and mine is being crushed!
5. I'm On The Mother-Fucking Cleanse. I am depriving myself of food and drink. And by "drink" I of course mean alcohol. Usually Fridays are good days at work because I know that the weekend begins at 6:30pm. (6:00pm if I leave early, and I usually do.) But this evening, knowing that I was just going to go home and not eat or drink all night, it seemed like there was really no point in having a weekend. I might as well be working again tomorrow. It's sad to think that so much of my happiness depends on food and liquor. Hmm, maybe that's the lesson I'm supposed to learn whilst on this Cleanse. Well if that's the case, reality sucks!
In closing, I'd just like to thank Jeffrey for posting how WONDERFUL the FOOD that he ATE today TASTED. Just be sure to lock your door before going to bed tonight, you little bitch.
10:00am - If Brian thinks I should stop blogging, then he has another thing coming! All pertinent cleanse related material will be posted! He tried to leave me off the blog entry today! So this morning I started with a nice cup of watery tomato soup, my new favorite thing in the world. I had a liquidy poop from last night's soup and bread. It's very strange how you can feel the entire digestive process kick back into gear. I imagine this feeling can be very powerful for someone who is addicted to laxatives or something. It makes me feel high! I saw an episode of 'Intervention' that reminded me of this concept. My stomach is definitely knotty (and naughty), but not to my detriment. At work, I enjoyed a sweet-ass banana. Wow. The flavor skyrocketed in my mouth causing a banana brushfire to ignite my soul!
That was the most ridiculous sentence I have ever written.
11:00am - OMG, I just hallucinated. I was looking down at my keyboard and saw three black, yet transparent, bugs crawl into the keys. It was like shrooms kicking in or something. I refilled my giant glass of water to make sure I am not dehydrated. I can't wait for lunch. I am gonna try a salad.
4:15pm - That was one intense salad! It was a potpourri of flavor bursts - carrots, olives, tomatoes, red onions, a few jalapenos, oil & vinegar, and of course lettuce, which, surprisingly, has taste! You know what does not have taste during The Cleanse? Semen. My salad, banana and soup from this morning have made a firmer poo this afternoon. Tonight, I am going out and might try a glass of wine with a light dinner, maybe sushi or something.
BETA FIPPEL
9:35am - I got roped into working this morning before I head to Boston for a whirlwind trip filled with black pugs and birthday parties, so I'm sitting at my desk thinking about how I really, really wish I could go to the bathroom. But I can't. I have to sit her to wait for my boss to call. This is a disaster. I very well might poop my pants/chair/life. Also, the last time Dan and I tried to do the Cleanse we read a blog the night before we started that had the most valuable piece of Cleanse advice yet. It warns, "If you feel that you have the need to flatulate after having drank the tea or the saline wash, DON'T. Because it's not gas!" Many a time have I felt the need to "flatulate" during the past five days, and I might have done it if not for that blessed blog.
11:28am - I'm blogging again because I'm about to leave work (I hope!!) and I probably won't be able to update again until late tonight, if at all. I forgot to mention that the night of Day 3, I drank a cup of mint tea at my sister's apartment and it was the most delicious thing I've ever tasted. Jeffrey's banana explosion reminded me of how excited I am for food/drinks to taste ridiculously good when I'm done with the Cleanse.
BRIAN KENNEDY
7:43am - Another sure sign that this Cleanse is crackalicious: Usually to wake it takes my cellphone, my regular alarm clock, and at least one hit of the snooze button. Today I was up after one try. This is just like that time Jesse was on caffeine pills. I'm so... scared!
9:40am - It's amazing how much stuff can still pour out of your ass after 6 days of not eating. Sure, the majority of it is liquid, but there's still a bit of flakey, brown sediment. Seriously, that shit must be older than this guy. I'm really starting to look forward to having fresh, solid BMs again.
11:35am - Two eliminations in under 30 minutes! That almost sounds like an ad for Dominos Pizza. The first elimination was a gusher. The second, more of an afterthought. However, with the second one I think I finally experienced the flaming shit that the book was talking about. It definitely felt hot. My butthole is burning like a ring of fire right now. But on the upside, this means I'm becoming less toxic.
3:13pm - I just got of the phone with my bank. I had finally got around to ordering new checks a couple of weeks ago, but they were still M.I.A. According the my friendly banking representative, they had been sent to my old address and I would have to cancel those checks and pay another fee for new ones. I held my ground and acted all pissy towards her, but you know what, it got me what I wanted. Afterwards, I wondered if I was irritable with her because of the Cleanse... but then I decided no, I was not. As I choose see it, thanks to the Cleanse I have stopped being a pushover, no longer letting people take advantage of my good natured ways. It's either that, or I have turned into a total cunt.
7:40pm - Home from work, things seem to be going downhill. Today started out great. I had good energy. I could hardly feel any pain in my back. And on my subway ride to work, while reading the theater section in Time Out, I actually thought to myself, Hey, maybe I'll return to my theater roots and give playwriting another shot after this cleanse is over. WRONG. By the end of the workday my spirits were down, my back felt like it had a gaping fleshwound in it, and I had convinced myself that I would spend the rest of my life working in a pharmacy. After work I stopped at C-Town to pick up more maple syrup, limes and water. I felt like it was Day 2 & 3 all over again. Food was practically jumping off the shelf taunting me. Arriving back home rather depressed, I immediately slipped into my pajamas, made my first glass of lime-maple juice for to night, crawled into bed and readied myself for a long night of Netflix.
I feel like there are probably a number of reasons (some Cleanse related, some not) for me feeling so glum:
1. Decrease In Sugar. This morning I ran out of maple syrup. I only used 6 tablespoons instead of 12, which may be why I had less energy.
2. Financial Burden. Today was payday, which is always good. But it was also payday, which means I had to pay rent and my credit card bill. I only have a little over $200 to last me the next two weeks. Thank god lemons are cheap!
3. Seven Day Cycle. Day 2, 3 and 7 are supposed to be the hardest while on the Cleanse. Day 1 is more of a mental challenge than a physical one. At that point you at least still have some food in your system to keep you going. But by Day 2 & 3 that food is gone and your body is fucked. Then you're okay for a few day, until you reach Day 7, which is supposed to be hard because your body detoxes in seven-day cycles. I know today is only Day 6, but the book said it can be a day off sometimes. So maybe I'm having my detox period early.
4. Amazing Race Applications. My sister and I have been talking for years about applying to be on the Amazing Race. I know my sister would be perfect for this show. She's cute, funny and blonde. But most importantly, she can sweet talk anyone into getting what she wants. I realize that I may be a little too dry and sarcastic for the show, but I'll fake it as much as I have to and ride her coattails the rest of the way. Also, we're both uber competitive and hate losing. You should see us playing board games together. This year was the first that I actually noticed the casting call before the deadline was past. However, we have no way of video taping ourself together before Nov. 27. I know it doesn't really matter, since our chances of getting on would be worse than our chances of finding a bag containing a million dollar just lying in the street. But still, everyone's gotta have a pipe dream... and mine is being crushed!
5. I'm On The Mother-Fucking Cleanse. I am depriving myself of food and drink. And by "drink" I of course mean alcohol. Usually Fridays are good days at work because I know that the weekend begins at 6:30pm. (6:00pm if I leave early, and I usually do.) But this evening, knowing that I was just going to go home and not eat or drink all night, it seemed like there was really no point in having a weekend. I might as well be working again tomorrow. It's sad to think that so much of my happiness depends on food and liquor. Hmm, maybe that's the lesson I'm supposed to learn whilst on this Cleanse. Well if that's the case, reality sucks!
In closing, I'd just like to thank Jeffrey for posting how WONDERFUL the FOOD that he ATE today TASTED. Just be sure to lock your door before going to bed tonight, you little bitch.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Day Five
JEFFREY MARX
1:40am - My eliminations are having eliminations now. I hope I am alive tomorrow! Or, at least that Jake Gyllenhaal wakes me up and effs the shizz out of me before I waste away to dust.
7:40am - I woke up with morning wood - sure sign I am alive! I thought about jerking off, but didn't have the strength. I was still hazy from a crazy dream. I never remember my dreams, so when I do, I always find it interesting, like, why did my brain choose to remember this one in particular? The dreams I do remember are always in color too. Here is what I dreamt...
Chloe from '24' and I were having dinner at T.G.I.Fridays. It seemed like we were there in a semi-romantic context, perhaps a second date? I wasn't sure, but I know I had the feeling of wanting more from our relationship than where it stood. All of the sudden, a bunch of waiters with too much 'Fridays Flare' started singing 'Happy Birthday' to me and presented me with a very, very large sundae. It was bigger than me and it was not my birthday.
Flash to me scuba diving. Only, it wasn't me like I see myself, it was a me how I want to see myself. Totally a weird feeling. I was in a tight scuba diving suit and I was pretty hot, like, super ripped, like Brad Pitt in 'Fight Club'. I watched myself dive into the ocean. I would never do anything like this in real life.
Under water, I had an overwhelming sense of freedom. I felt like I needed to be going down so deep. For what reason, I wasn't sure, but I didn't feel like it mattered. I remember blackness, which contrasted from the bright colors I saw in the dream up until now. When my feet hit the bottom, I saw a huge group of faceless friends of mine. They were having a party on the ocean floor. I was expecting to see Sebastian from 'The Little Mermaid' but he wasn't there. I noticed that no one was wearing scuba gear. How were they breathing? They urged me to join them and told me to take off my breathing gear. I was scared, but emboldened by this new sense of deep freedom. I took it off and found I could breathe just fine. I didn't need to rely on the scuba gear. I breathed in amazing air and energy.
Then, I woke up.
11:50am - My morning has been amazing! I got all the accoutrements out to make The Cleanse juice. I was suddenly sickened by the juice factory that has been going on in the kitchen. The dream had rattled around in my head in the shower. As I poured the first tablespoon of maple syrup, I stopped. I stopped The Cleanse. I grabbed my man bag and left the house. The grocery store had Extra Pulp Orange Juice on sale for $2.99. I drank a large glass full of pulpy OJ and a ton of water. The pain in my legs has disappeared. My brain feels alive (probably because I am not dying anymore) and my heart is singing (probably because I am not dying anymore)! I have come to terms with so many things between last night and this morning! I am at peace and have learned a ton! I am thankful I tried The Master Cleanse! I will explain more later. Right now, I have to go pee.
1:10pm - I drank two good sized glasses of slightly watered down OJ, a glass of plain water, two slices of perfect cantaloupe, and a single bite of soft bagel. Not all together, but throughout the morning until now. All stomach signs feel fine. No cramping.
1:30pm - My, it's interesting to see people's reactions to me stopping (not quitting)! Reactions have ranged from shock to disappointment to happiness that they can finally tell me they thought I was crazy in the first place! Sophia called me a liar. She thinks I made up the dream so that I would have an easier time with Brian for stopping. I love her so much for thinking that because it IS actually something I could do, but in this case I did not.
4:20pm - Well, I have been feeling very high today. High on so many things - clarity and cantaloupe to name two. It's interesting that I gave up something that I needed (food) to find out that what I wanted (Finishing The Cleanse, Talking with my dad about his bullshit, or a certain boy that I used to adore) is not what I needed. I don't need those things to move on and be happy. I don't need to be tangled up in the drama of those things. I don't need to waste my mind, my heart, or my energy on them. Basically, The Cleanse has released me from dwelling on topics that were continuing to cause hurt. Just choose not to hurt! Just choose to stop The Cleanse! I choose to be happy and to move forward! Nothing like breaking the body down physically to show you how to live mentally. I am in a great mind set today. I think I have finally turned a new corner in my life. Or, I have finally totally lost it.
10:49pm - As I was leaving work, I made a trip to the potty. A nice, ping-pong ball sized soft poop dropped. The cantaloupe and bagel bite came out with ease. My intestinal poop factory is back in action! Tonight, for dinner, I had very watery tomato soup and one slice of garlic naan from Trader Joe's. It was so great. The flavors exploded in my mouth! My tongue was so thankful and my stomach sang my praise! This has been one of the greatest days in recent memory. I feel so grounded. I will continue to report anything Master Cleanse related here over the next couple days. Poop related events, further epiphanies, and food talk will be documented. However, I will be back at my home base blog after today.
I'd like to thank Brian, Beth, and Dan for their blog support! Also, thanks to my roommie, Brian, for being so tech savvy and uploading the videos! Thanks also go to Cody for starting the gears in my head with the Need vs. Want Theory, Craig for always being a great listener, friend, and Gmail Gchat companion, and that old lady at the office who I have decided will not effect me anymore. Thank you to Sophia for being super hot and thanks to Jon for sending me funny links all day. I'd also like to thank The Academy for nominating me and their dedication to great films. Good luck, Brian and Beth! I encourage you to stay with it for the duration! I wonder who will win Master Cleanse Survivor???
BETA FIPPEL
11:01am - I should have knocked on wood yesterday, because I almost had a disaster between the subway and the office this morning. It was like walking through a mine field. Every step I took, I was more and more certain that something was going to explode. Luckily, I made it safe and sound and had my second morning poop in the office restroom. I have to admit, I thought about quitting again today. I'm going to Boston tomorrow for a friend's birthday party, and I'm sure I would have more fun if I could eat/drink. Also, it's going to be a pain in the butt to take my Cleanse ingredients on the Chinatown bus. But I don't think I'm going to quit. I think if I can do the Cleanse under these circumstances I really will have mastered my pesky impulses.
12:07pm - I too am shocked and saddened at the news of Jeffrey quitting the Cleanse. I'm dedicating the rest of my Cleanse to him. The first thing I will dedicate to him is the very, very close call that I just had. I almost pooped sitting at my desk. Barely any warning. Suddenly, I was like, "Something is millimeters away from coming out of my butt." I ran to the bathroom and, once again, narrowly escaped disaster. This time, I really was peeing out of my butt. Nothing solid or brown or flaky. Pure yellow liquid coming out of my butt hole.
2:38pm - I just had a couple of hours of dizziness and a tingly feeling. I feel better now, though. I also had another lethargic conversation with Brian. I'm on quite the quitting-not-quitting roller coaster!
BRIAN KENNEDY
9:19am - Finished my salt water flush earlier this morning. 5 down, 5 to go. Already had my pre and post-shower elimination. I'm feeling very energetic, jazzed almost. If I leave for work now, I may actually be on time. Just trying to decide if it's safe to leave the house yet.
10:58am - Thank god my energy is back! Right now I am trying to do the work of four people. Two of my co-workers are off today, and the other one called in late. I secretly like when this happens because I can blare Dolly Parton and the Dixie Chicks on my iPod and not feel bad about it. I think I have to eliminate again, but I just don't have time for that right now.
11:53am - I am devastated, DEVASTATED to learn that Jeffrey has quit. I'm sad for him, but more sad for me knowing that there will now be food in the house again. I feel like this cleanse was a good bonding experience for us as roommates and friends. Now I'm going to go back to holding up in my room with the door shut, avoiding him at any cost. Sigh. The weight of this blog now rests on the shoulders of me and Beth. Stay strong Beth, I need you!
12:36pm - I now know the true meaning of the term "pissing out of my ass." The little stream that was trickling out of my butt before, was nothing compared to the river that just blasted out of my a-hole. I think I may need to wipe again, just to be safe.
2:40pm - Today has been good and bad. Besides feeling like my alliances in this cleanse are crumbling around me, work has been crazy-busy. Usually when it gets like this I either A.) Starve myself all morning and then over-eat later in the day, or B.) Stress eat all day long. Right now I am missing both. But on the upside, I do feel like I've flipped a switch and that the Cleanse is no longer in control of me, instead it is I that am in control of it.
8:15pm - Stayed late at work. It's amazing to me that after 4 days without food, my body was able put in a 9 hour day without any breaks, and still not feel tired. Am I on the Master Cleanse or am I on Tina? My only complaint for the day (and I'll always have one) is that my back is still killing me. Seriously, it feels like this. I almost asked one of my co-workers for a massage. But then I remember that they're my co-workers and I don't like them touching me.
12:40am - I just cleaned my room! This Cleanse is an honest to god miracle worker.
1:40am - My eliminations are having eliminations now. I hope I am alive tomorrow! Or, at least that Jake Gyllenhaal wakes me up and effs the shizz out of me before I waste away to dust.
7:40am - I woke up with morning wood - sure sign I am alive! I thought about jerking off, but didn't have the strength. I was still hazy from a crazy dream. I never remember my dreams, so when I do, I always find it interesting, like, why did my brain choose to remember this one in particular? The dreams I do remember are always in color too. Here is what I dreamt...
Chloe from '24' and I were having dinner at T.G.I.Fridays. It seemed like we were there in a semi-romantic context, perhaps a second date? I wasn't sure, but I know I had the feeling of wanting more from our relationship than where it stood. All of the sudden, a bunch of waiters with too much 'Fridays Flare' started singing 'Happy Birthday' to me and presented me with a very, very large sundae. It was bigger than me and it was not my birthday.
Flash to me scuba diving. Only, it wasn't me like I see myself, it was a me how I want to see myself. Totally a weird feeling. I was in a tight scuba diving suit and I was pretty hot, like, super ripped, like Brad Pitt in 'Fight Club'. I watched myself dive into the ocean. I would never do anything like this in real life.
Under water, I had an overwhelming sense of freedom. I felt like I needed to be going down so deep. For what reason, I wasn't sure, but I didn't feel like it mattered. I remember blackness, which contrasted from the bright colors I saw in the dream up until now. When my feet hit the bottom, I saw a huge group of faceless friends of mine. They were having a party on the ocean floor. I was expecting to see Sebastian from 'The Little Mermaid' but he wasn't there. I noticed that no one was wearing scuba gear. How were they breathing? They urged me to join them and told me to take off my breathing gear. I was scared, but emboldened by this new sense of deep freedom. I took it off and found I could breathe just fine. I didn't need to rely on the scuba gear. I breathed in amazing air and energy.
Then, I woke up.
11:50am - My morning has been amazing! I got all the accoutrements out to make The Cleanse juice. I was suddenly sickened by the juice factory that has been going on in the kitchen. The dream had rattled around in my head in the shower. As I poured the first tablespoon of maple syrup, I stopped. I stopped The Cleanse. I grabbed my man bag and left the house. The grocery store had Extra Pulp Orange Juice on sale for $2.99. I drank a large glass full of pulpy OJ and a ton of water. The pain in my legs has disappeared. My brain feels alive (probably because I am not dying anymore) and my heart is singing (probably because I am not dying anymore)! I have come to terms with so many things between last night and this morning! I am at peace and have learned a ton! I am thankful I tried The Master Cleanse! I will explain more later. Right now, I have to go pee.
1:10pm - I drank two good sized glasses of slightly watered down OJ, a glass of plain water, two slices of perfect cantaloupe, and a single bite of soft bagel. Not all together, but throughout the morning until now. All stomach signs feel fine. No cramping.
1:30pm - My, it's interesting to see people's reactions to me stopping (not quitting)! Reactions have ranged from shock to disappointment to happiness that they can finally tell me they thought I was crazy in the first place! Sophia called me a liar. She thinks I made up the dream so that I would have an easier time with Brian for stopping. I love her so much for thinking that because it IS actually something I could do, but in this case I did not.
4:20pm - Well, I have been feeling very high today. High on so many things - clarity and cantaloupe to name two. It's interesting that I gave up something that I needed (food) to find out that what I wanted (Finishing The Cleanse, Talking with my dad about his bullshit, or a certain boy that I used to adore) is not what I needed. I don't need those things to move on and be happy. I don't need to be tangled up in the drama of those things. I don't need to waste my mind, my heart, or my energy on them. Basically, The Cleanse has released me from dwelling on topics that were continuing to cause hurt. Just choose not to hurt! Just choose to stop The Cleanse! I choose to be happy and to move forward! Nothing like breaking the body down physically to show you how to live mentally. I am in a great mind set today. I think I have finally turned a new corner in my life. Or, I have finally totally lost it.
10:49pm - As I was leaving work, I made a trip to the potty. A nice, ping-pong ball sized soft poop dropped. The cantaloupe and bagel bite came out with ease. My intestinal poop factory is back in action! Tonight, for dinner, I had very watery tomato soup and one slice of garlic naan from Trader Joe's. It was so great. The flavors exploded in my mouth! My tongue was so thankful and my stomach sang my praise! This has been one of the greatest days in recent memory. I feel so grounded. I will continue to report anything Master Cleanse related here over the next couple days. Poop related events, further epiphanies, and food talk will be documented. However, I will be back at my home base blog after today.
I'd like to thank Brian, Beth, and Dan for their blog support! Also, thanks to my roommie, Brian, for being so tech savvy and uploading the videos! Thanks also go to Cody for starting the gears in my head with the Need vs. Want Theory, Craig for always being a great listener, friend, and Gmail Gchat companion, and that old lady at the office who I have decided will not effect me anymore. Thank you to Sophia for being super hot and thanks to Jon for sending me funny links all day. I'd also like to thank The Academy for nominating me and their dedication to great films. Good luck, Brian and Beth! I encourage you to stay with it for the duration! I wonder who will win Master Cleanse Survivor???
BETA FIPPEL
11:01am - I should have knocked on wood yesterday, because I almost had a disaster between the subway and the office this morning. It was like walking through a mine field. Every step I took, I was more and more certain that something was going to explode. Luckily, I made it safe and sound and had my second morning poop in the office restroom. I have to admit, I thought about quitting again today. I'm going to Boston tomorrow for a friend's birthday party, and I'm sure I would have more fun if I could eat/drink. Also, it's going to be a pain in the butt to take my Cleanse ingredients on the Chinatown bus. But I don't think I'm going to quit. I think if I can do the Cleanse under these circumstances I really will have mastered my pesky impulses.
12:07pm - I too am shocked and saddened at the news of Jeffrey quitting the Cleanse. I'm dedicating the rest of my Cleanse to him. The first thing I will dedicate to him is the very, very close call that I just had. I almost pooped sitting at my desk. Barely any warning. Suddenly, I was like, "Something is millimeters away from coming out of my butt." I ran to the bathroom and, once again, narrowly escaped disaster. This time, I really was peeing out of my butt. Nothing solid or brown or flaky. Pure yellow liquid coming out of my butt hole.
2:38pm - I just had a couple of hours of dizziness and a tingly feeling. I feel better now, though. I also had another lethargic conversation with Brian. I'm on quite the quitting-not-quitting roller coaster!
BRIAN KENNEDY
9:19am - Finished my salt water flush earlier this morning. 5 down, 5 to go. Already had my pre and post-shower elimination. I'm feeling very energetic, jazzed almost. If I leave for work now, I may actually be on time. Just trying to decide if it's safe to leave the house yet.
10:58am - Thank god my energy is back! Right now I am trying to do the work of four people. Two of my co-workers are off today, and the other one called in late. I secretly like when this happens because I can blare Dolly Parton and the Dixie Chicks on my iPod and not feel bad about it. I think I have to eliminate again, but I just don't have time for that right now.
11:53am - I am devastated, DEVASTATED to learn that Jeffrey has quit. I'm sad for him, but more sad for me knowing that there will now be food in the house again. I feel like this cleanse was a good bonding experience for us as roommates and friends. Now I'm going to go back to holding up in my room with the door shut, avoiding him at any cost. Sigh. The weight of this blog now rests on the shoulders of me and Beth. Stay strong Beth, I need you!
12:36pm - I now know the true meaning of the term "pissing out of my ass." The little stream that was trickling out of my butt before, was nothing compared to the river that just blasted out of my a-hole. I think I may need to wipe again, just to be safe.
2:40pm - Today has been good and bad. Besides feeling like my alliances in this cleanse are crumbling around me, work has been crazy-busy. Usually when it gets like this I either A.) Starve myself all morning and then over-eat later in the day, or B.) Stress eat all day long. Right now I am missing both. But on the upside, I do feel like I've flipped a switch and that the Cleanse is no longer in control of me, instead it is I that am in control of it.
8:15pm - Stayed late at work. It's amazing to me that after 4 days without food, my body was able put in a 9 hour day without any breaks, and still not feel tired. Am I on the Master Cleanse or am I on Tina? My only complaint for the day (and I'll always have one) is that my back is still killing me. Seriously, it feels like this. I almost asked one of my co-workers for a massage. But then I remember that they're my co-workers and I don't like them touching me.
12:40am - I just cleaned my room! This Cleanse is an honest to god miracle worker.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Day Four
JEFFREY MARX
8:05am - My poop smells like Freddy Krueger.
9:33am - So I sucked it up and apologized to the old lady. It felt like it was the right thing to do. Hopefully, it will be an example to her on how she should be acting, but it probably won't. The cleaning lady threw out my empty gallon jug I have been using at work for the salt water flush. I had to use about 40 little Dixie cups full of water to do the flush at work today. It was quite the system in the workplace kitchenette. Also, I only put 8 tablespoons of maple syrup instead of 12 because we were gonna run out. I need to buy more on the way home tonight.
10:10am - I have now eliminated four times. Wow. I feel like I just cleansed 4 years of bad attitude out of my butt. My friend Craig asked me what it looks like, so I will tell you, since you are probably curious. It's mostly yellow liquid but with dark flakes, like small bay leaves. It's pretty insane!
11:04am - Wow! It's not stopping! I went two more times! Yikes! This is the scariest thing that has ever happened on Halloween! Here is the funniest thing to happen on Halloween...
1:15pm - Today at "lunch", I sat outside in the sunshine. It felt really great, like an electric sunflower! The warmth and energy from the sun really helped recharge my brain batteries. I drank a good deal of the lemonade and read a book. I feel happy.
1:17pm - The old lady at work is slurping soup and crunching wheat thins. She is disgusting. I want to die.
4:00pm - This is truly the witching hour. On Day 2 and Day 3 around 4:00pm, I thought I was dying. Again, today, the aches are pretty bad. If I feel miserable like this again on Day 5, I am going to be worried. Everything I have heard and seen says that by Day 5 you have some awesome clarity or something. The muscles in my legs are burning, my neck and shoulders are burning, the arches of my feet are burning, Paris Is Burning...
8:18pm - I'm seriously dragging in the energy department. I wish that sun I was sitting in this afternoon was sitting on my face right now. My back hurts, only I don't think it's my back - I think it's my kidneys. My body is deflated weakness. I am unconvinced that this is a good thing. I feel like someone in a concentration camp only my Nazi's are named "Captain Unrequited Love" and "Major Daddy Issues". I'm in the middle of my intern shift at the theatre and I think I am gonna pass out. I would take a nap, but I am afraid I would wake up dead.
9:45pm - I just had a crazy revelation about The Cleanse and what it means to me! I'll explain more on video later... OMG. Crazy! KRAZY!
BETA FIPPEL
11:24pm - Okay blog fans, I'm really sorry that I didn't give updates throughout the day today. I woke up late and was pretty busy at work. Then I had to watch Kid Nation, the best show on television. So, here's my whole Day 4 experience in a nutshell.
As I mentioned in my video yesterday, barring disaster, I'm definitely not going to quit the Cleanse. Days one and two were rough, day three was pretty easy, and today a wicked combination. I woke up this morning and was ready to poop right away, which I haven't been before. It usually takes a while to get the ol' butt bubbling. The poop was a classic Cleanse poo--flakes, felt like I was shitting a river, etc. I had the salt water, which is getting harder for me by the day. My biggest problem with it is that I just don't like the act of drinking. Like, I find swallowing liquid kind of unpleasant. I know it's weird. It's the reason I'm generally dehydrated and another reason that the Cleanse is a good thing for me to be doing.
Between the salt water and leaving for work, I pooped a couple more times, but only once at work. And I was there for almost 8 hours. Weird, huh? Work today was hard, Cleanse-wise, because there were bowls of candy corn everywhere and a truly delicious looking Halloween-themed Entemman's cake. My impulse would normally be to grab a couple of candy corn whenever I passed a bowl, so it was weird and a little bit frustrating to not be able to do that. Liberating too, though. There were also various Halloween parties I wanted to go to tonight, but I figured there would be too much temptation, so I came home after work. I also had a very lethargic, kind of depressing phone conversation with Brian in which we decided that we didn't have the energy to do anything tonight. Also, he would be busy shopping for syrup.
Today at work I had the shoulder, neck, back pain that Jeffrey mentioned a couple of days ago. It was awful. It's like that good pain that you get when someone massages your shoulders really hard, but it went on for hours and there was no sensual rubbing. And furthermore, why am I two days behind Jeffrey? Why aren't we experiencing the exact same things at the exact same time? Why aren't our poop schedules in sync the way girl's period cycles sync up when they spend a lot of time together?
What else... my tongue is white, my poop smells really bad (I mean, the stuff that's coming out now is stuff that's just been sitting in there, festering, for a long time), I haven't had any real "bathroom emergencies," my energy is really up and down. I'm pretty peppy for the first half of the day, but I really start dragging after that. Oh, and I tend to get very hungry at night after drinking the laxative tea. Hopefully this will help teach my body to not be so hungry late at night. After the cleanse, I'm hoping that late-night eating will be one of the bad eating habits I can kick.
It's crazy to think that I haven't eaten anything for 4 days. Does this make me anorexic? And does Dan's alleged vomiting make him bulimic?
BRIAN KENNEDY
5:29am - Didn't even have to wait for the salt water flush to have my first elimination this morning. Woke up early and made a mad dash for the bathroom. Thanks Get Regular! Also, as much as you don't want to read this, I am happy to report that I now have neon yellow liquid coming out of my butt. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!
8:15am - Just finished my salt water flush for the morning. As predicted by the book, it becomes easier to tolerate. (Something to do with the intestinal walls being cleaner.) Not wanting to be late for work again today, I tired the following exercises that are supposed to help speed up the flush:
Exercise 1 - Rub your stomach with the palm of right your hand clockwise 21 times and counter clockwise 13 times.
Exercise 2 - Raise your arms over your head (still standing) and sway them left to right.
Exercise 3 - Spread your feet shoulder width apart and spin your body at the waist from left to right. Let your arms swing with your body. Feel the stretch in your lower back and abdomen.
Exercise 4 - With knees and feet together, bend your knees and squat. Reach with your left hand and touch the tip of your index finger to the outside of your right foot. Now try to do both together with your head facing somewhat forward.
Exercise 5 - Doing the Hatha Yoga Cobra Position is also good as are other exercises that get the intestines stimulated.
I had to google image search the Cobra Position:
And now that I'm done typing this, I can feel the desired effects taking place. Gotta run!
10:16am - Just had my first "at work elimination." I could feel the storm a brewing while on the L train. Thankfully, I still have control of my sphincter and a pants-pooping disaster was avoided. Unthankfully, I feel like I have another elimination still on deck for later this morning.
11:50am - Went to the bathroom again. I usually don't eliminate this late in the day. Is my butt broken? Or has the Cleanse evolved?
1:35pm - Another elimination! I'm becoming concerned. I think this one burned a bit. Unless I'm just confusing the burning sensation with the soreness of my ass from all the wiping.
8:15pm - Got home from work. Had to eliminate again. I’m glad to be getting rid of all this waste, but come on, my baby-soft bottom needs a break! Remember how yesterday I was bitching about my landlord not turning on the heat, forcing me to spend money on a space heater? Well last night I was enjoying said space heater when I heard a sparking noise coming out of the outlet that the heater and my laptop were plugged into. Being the moron that I am, I thought nothing of it and went back to sipping my laxative tea. It wasn’t until this morning that I realized the power adapter for my laptop had fried and melted into the outlet. So now, thanks to my cheap landlord and my slow metabolism from the Cleanse, I’ve been forced to spend $118.16 on a space heater and a new power adapter. To make matters worse, to get to the Apple store I had to navigate my way through a mass of dumbasses and dickheads waiting for the Halloween parade to start. I’m sure that I could have gotten a new adapter sent to me under my warranty. But since I’m going without food right now, there’s no way in hell I’m going with out internet too.
9:23pm - I finally made a video. (Jeffrey, I borrowed you copy of Details magazine with Jake Gyllenhaal on the cover. In the words of Taylor from Kid Nation, Deal with it!)
12:45am - Did you watch the above video? Do you catch the part where I talked about how excited I was to watch America’s Next Top Model tonight? Well, just like Beatuy and the Geek last night, it was a G.D. “recap” episode. Fuck you CW. Don’t you know I’m very fragile right now, and I need fresh reality TV? Also, for those of you who are considering quitting (Jeffrey!) Don’t forget that you have this too look forward to:
“I had [my spiritual encounter] on Day 5. I felt Him deep, a feeling so unexplainable that I have never had before. I had uncontrollable streaming tears practically on my knees (weeping), along with some very, very strange coincidences and I don’t believe in coincidences. "
8:05am - My poop smells like Freddy Krueger.
9:33am - So I sucked it up and apologized to the old lady. It felt like it was the right thing to do. Hopefully, it will be an example to her on how she should be acting, but it probably won't. The cleaning lady threw out my empty gallon jug I have been using at work for the salt water flush. I had to use about 40 little Dixie cups full of water to do the flush at work today. It was quite the system in the workplace kitchenette. Also, I only put 8 tablespoons of maple syrup instead of 12 because we were gonna run out. I need to buy more on the way home tonight.
10:10am - I have now eliminated four times. Wow. I feel like I just cleansed 4 years of bad attitude out of my butt. My friend Craig asked me what it looks like, so I will tell you, since you are probably curious. It's mostly yellow liquid but with dark flakes, like small bay leaves. It's pretty insane!
11:04am - Wow! It's not stopping! I went two more times! Yikes! This is the scariest thing that has ever happened on Halloween! Here is the funniest thing to happen on Halloween...
1:15pm - Today at "lunch", I sat outside in the sunshine. It felt really great, like an electric sunflower! The warmth and energy from the sun really helped recharge my brain batteries. I drank a good deal of the lemonade and read a book. I feel happy.
1:17pm - The old lady at work is slurping soup and crunching wheat thins. She is disgusting. I want to die.
4:00pm - This is truly the witching hour. On Day 2 and Day 3 around 4:00pm, I thought I was dying. Again, today, the aches are pretty bad. If I feel miserable like this again on Day 5, I am going to be worried. Everything I have heard and seen says that by Day 5 you have some awesome clarity or something. The muscles in my legs are burning, my neck and shoulders are burning, the arches of my feet are burning, Paris Is Burning...
8:18pm - I'm seriously dragging in the energy department. I wish that sun I was sitting in this afternoon was sitting on my face right now. My back hurts, only I don't think it's my back - I think it's my kidneys. My body is deflated weakness. I am unconvinced that this is a good thing. I feel like someone in a concentration camp only my Nazi's are named "Captain Unrequited Love" and "Major Daddy Issues". I'm in the middle of my intern shift at the theatre and I think I am gonna pass out. I would take a nap, but I am afraid I would wake up dead.
9:45pm - I just had a crazy revelation about The Cleanse and what it means to me! I'll explain more on video later... OMG. Crazy! KRAZY!
BETA FIPPEL
11:24pm - Okay blog fans, I'm really sorry that I didn't give updates throughout the day today. I woke up late and was pretty busy at work. Then I had to watch Kid Nation, the best show on television. So, here's my whole Day 4 experience in a nutshell.
As I mentioned in my video yesterday, barring disaster, I'm definitely not going to quit the Cleanse. Days one and two were rough, day three was pretty easy, and today a wicked combination. I woke up this morning and was ready to poop right away, which I haven't been before. It usually takes a while to get the ol' butt bubbling. The poop was a classic Cleanse poo--flakes, felt like I was shitting a river, etc. I had the salt water, which is getting harder for me by the day. My biggest problem with it is that I just don't like the act of drinking. Like, I find swallowing liquid kind of unpleasant. I know it's weird. It's the reason I'm generally dehydrated and another reason that the Cleanse is a good thing for me to be doing.
Between the salt water and leaving for work, I pooped a couple more times, but only once at work. And I was there for almost 8 hours. Weird, huh? Work today was hard, Cleanse-wise, because there were bowls of candy corn everywhere and a truly delicious looking Halloween-themed Entemman's cake. My impulse would normally be to grab a couple of candy corn whenever I passed a bowl, so it was weird and a little bit frustrating to not be able to do that. Liberating too, though. There were also various Halloween parties I wanted to go to tonight, but I figured there would be too much temptation, so I came home after work. I also had a very lethargic, kind of depressing phone conversation with Brian in which we decided that we didn't have the energy to do anything tonight. Also, he would be busy shopping for syrup.
Today at work I had the shoulder, neck, back pain that Jeffrey mentioned a couple of days ago. It was awful. It's like that good pain that you get when someone massages your shoulders really hard, but it went on for hours and there was no sensual rubbing. And furthermore, why am I two days behind Jeffrey? Why aren't we experiencing the exact same things at the exact same time? Why aren't our poop schedules in sync the way girl's period cycles sync up when they spend a lot of time together?
What else... my tongue is white, my poop smells really bad (I mean, the stuff that's coming out now is stuff that's just been sitting in there, festering, for a long time), I haven't had any real "bathroom emergencies," my energy is really up and down. I'm pretty peppy for the first half of the day, but I really start dragging after that. Oh, and I tend to get very hungry at night after drinking the laxative tea. Hopefully this will help teach my body to not be so hungry late at night. After the cleanse, I'm hoping that late-night eating will be one of the bad eating habits I can kick.
It's crazy to think that I haven't eaten anything for 4 days. Does this make me anorexic? And does Dan's alleged vomiting make him bulimic?
BRIAN KENNEDY
5:29am - Didn't even have to wait for the salt water flush to have my first elimination this morning. Woke up early and made a mad dash for the bathroom. Thanks Get Regular! Also, as much as you don't want to read this, I am happy to report that I now have neon yellow liquid coming out of my butt. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!
8:15am - Just finished my salt water flush for the morning. As predicted by the book, it becomes easier to tolerate. (Something to do with the intestinal walls being cleaner.) Not wanting to be late for work again today, I tired the following exercises that are supposed to help speed up the flush:
Exercise 1 - Rub your stomach with the palm of right your hand clockwise 21 times and counter clockwise 13 times.
Exercise 2 - Raise your arms over your head (still standing) and sway them left to right.
Exercise 3 - Spread your feet shoulder width apart and spin your body at the waist from left to right. Let your arms swing with your body. Feel the stretch in your lower back and abdomen.
Exercise 4 - With knees and feet together, bend your knees and squat. Reach with your left hand and touch the tip of your index finger to the outside of your right foot. Now try to do both together with your head facing somewhat forward.
Exercise 5 - Doing the Hatha Yoga Cobra Position is also good as are other exercises that get the intestines stimulated.
I had to google image search the Cobra Position:
And now that I'm done typing this, I can feel the desired effects taking place. Gotta run!
10:16am - Just had my first "at work elimination." I could feel the storm a brewing while on the L train. Thankfully, I still have control of my sphincter and a pants-pooping disaster was avoided. Unthankfully, I feel like I have another elimination still on deck for later this morning.
11:50am - Went to the bathroom again. I usually don't eliminate this late in the day. Is my butt broken? Or has the Cleanse evolved?
1:35pm - Another elimination! I'm becoming concerned. I think this one burned a bit. Unless I'm just confusing the burning sensation with the soreness of my ass from all the wiping.
8:15pm - Got home from work. Had to eliminate again. I’m glad to be getting rid of all this waste, but come on, my baby-soft bottom needs a break! Remember how yesterday I was bitching about my landlord not turning on the heat, forcing me to spend money on a space heater? Well last night I was enjoying said space heater when I heard a sparking noise coming out of the outlet that the heater and my laptop were plugged into. Being the moron that I am, I thought nothing of it and went back to sipping my laxative tea. It wasn’t until this morning that I realized the power adapter for my laptop had fried and melted into the outlet. So now, thanks to my cheap landlord and my slow metabolism from the Cleanse, I’ve been forced to spend $118.16 on a space heater and a new power adapter. To make matters worse, to get to the Apple store I had to navigate my way through a mass of dumbasses and dickheads waiting for the Halloween parade to start. I’m sure that I could have gotten a new adapter sent to me under my warranty. But since I’m going without food right now, there’s no way in hell I’m going with out internet too.
9:23pm - I finally made a video. (Jeffrey, I borrowed you copy of Details magazine with Jake Gyllenhaal on the cover. In the words of Taylor from Kid Nation, Deal with it!)
12:45am - Did you watch the above video? Do you catch the part where I talked about how excited I was to watch America’s Next Top Model tonight? Well, just like Beatuy and the Geek last night, it was a G.D. “recap” episode. Fuck you CW. Don’t you know I’m very fragile right now, and I need fresh reality TV? Also, for those of you who are considering quitting (Jeffrey!) Don’t forget that you have this too look forward to:
“I had [my spiritual encounter] on Day 5. I felt Him deep, a feeling so unexplainable that I have never had before. I had uncontrollable streaming tears practically on my knees (weeping), along with some very, very strange coincidences and I don’t believe in coincidences. "
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Day Three
JEFFREY MARX
10:40am - Today I woke up with a sharp, stabbing pain in what I believe to be my kidneys. I had recorded a video last night at the end of day two, but it didn't upload for some reason. It really agitated me. I will do another tonight. This morning, I made a "Master Cleanse Mix" on my iPod to help stimulate and encourage me on my walks to and from work. Here is the mix, it's amazing and I think you should have the same mix if you are doing The Cleanse. Or at least, make a inspirational mix of some kind. I'm serious. Here is a weird video for the song from "The Biggest Loser" and "Queer As Folk". They should have hired me to make this video, it's really weird for such a great song. It's all 80's student film. Ugh.
Track 1 - "Proud" by Heather Small
Track 2 - "Breakin' Up" by Rilo Kiley
Track 3 - "New Shoes" by Paolo Nutini
Track 4 - "I Feel It All" by Feist
Track 5 - "Love Is Blind" by Annie Lennox
Track 6 - "Where Is My Mind" by The Pixies
Track 7 - "Love Profusion" by Madonna
Track 8 - "Back To The Earth" by Rusted Root
Track 9 - "The Painter" - I'm From Barcelona
Track 10 - "Punchlines" - Mates of State
Track 11 - "Come A Long Way" - Michelle Shocked
Track 12 - "Happier" by Guster
Track 13 - "Be Yourself" by Morcheeba
Track 14 - "Brandy (You're a Fine Girl)" - Looking Glass
I know, "Brandy (You're a Fine Girl)" isn't particularly inspirational, but I just love it and it puts me in a great mood. You know what else puts me in a great mood? Ice, cold fountain Pepsi, onion dip, and Ruffles potato chips.
10:51am - For the past 11 minutes, I have been thinking how weird it is that the guy's voice in the 'Brandy' song doesn't match what he looks like. What a scuzzy dude! He looks like he is going to mouth-rape that microphone! I don't think I like the song as much anymore. Great, now I have to re-do my 'Master Cleanse Mix'. Also, I love that I just got paid for 11 minutes to do nothing but think of this issue.
2:05pm - I drank my lunch in the student lounge today. Much better than smelling every inch of the pizza shop in the cafeteria. I am feeling a little better! It's strange how mindful of your body you become on The Cleanse. Last night, after meditating a little bit in my bed, I made peace with the horrible pain that was building in my neck, shoulders and at some points, my legs. My point of view is that tensions and pain is exiting my body and I am resetting myself. Today, I feel like my body is churning out whatever it needs to churn out in order to reset. My body is still sore, but less so, and it feels like it needs to be, in a good way, in order to rebuild. Jesus, I sound like a fuckin' hippie. Maybe the soreness isn't all this resetting mumbo jumbo, maybe it's a warning signal my body is telling me that I am dying.
3:15pm - I went to go get the president a veggie burger. I got high off the smell of roasted chicken and macaroni and cheese in the cafeteria. I could even smell the organic soap on the college art students. My sense of smell is superhuman! I am going to be on 'Heroes'!
4:15pm - OH MY GOD! We lost another cleanser! Well, it definitely isn't for everyone, that is for sure! I didn't know Dan, like Beta did, but he was a good man in my experience. Plus, he has a really cute dog named Rosie, so that's pretty cool! Good luck, Dan! Also, I know Beta was very excited about Taco Bell's free tacos for every stolen base during that baseball game tournament, but Jon (who quit the cleanse before it even started) sent me this link today! I mean, if Jon is giving his free tacos away, why isn't he just doing The Cleanse?
5:10pm - Record 'Day 3' video. I got in a tiff with the crabby old lady who sits behind me at work as I was on my way out the door. I harnessed my emotions into an after work video. She doesn't know how to turn on her computer so I am not too worried about her finding a youtube video.
6:24pm - Just remembered Britney Spears new CD comes out today! Damn, I don't have any money until Friday! I spent all my money on lemons and toilet paper! Now, I have to go on a Britney fast too! This cleanse is probably similar to what Britney is going through this year. Poor Brit-brit. I hope she doesn't go crazy forever! I also hope I don't accidentally show everyone my vagina while I am on The Cleanse!
6:25pm - BRITNEY IS AVAILABLE TO LISTEN TO FOR FREE ON MYSPACE! Well isn't this a treat? It's like the musical version of a cheeseburger and a caramel frapuccino! OMG. I love right now!
11:59pm - About an hour ago, I noticed that my tongue is totally white. You know how E.T. and Elliot turn all white and pasty at the end of the movie because they love each other and their pain is each other's pain? Well, my tongue looks like E.T. If you're doing The Cleanse right, your tongue turns white, or so I am told. Also, my teeth have a strange acidic film over them. I assume it is from all the citric acid. While today was better than yesterday, I am still sore and weak. I hope to jump into the day tomorrow with more strength and a winning attitude with the lady from work. I fear she may become the emotional dumping ground of all that is purging from my mental and physical system. Also, Britney's new CD is an awesomely over-produced piece of sweet-ass electro-pop. I-love-it.
BETA FIPPEL
1:33pm First of all, what's the deal with Jeffrey spelling my fake name wrong?? It's Fippel. Not Fipple. Second, I feel like I must be doing something wrong, because I feel just fine. For the most part. Last night I think I jumped the gun on the laxative tea. I thought I was going to go to bed early, so I stopped drinking the lemonade and had the tea at about 10pm. Then I was up for another 2 hours and was really, really hungry. But, since I've never read the official cleanse book, I didn't know if I was allowed to have more lemonade or not, so I played it safe and just stayed hungry. I woke up at 12:40pm today, since I'm not working, and my stomach felt totally normal. I peed and farted a little, tiny fart, but no poop came out. The salt water got things moving and I expelled some pretty gnarly poo flakes, but otherwise I'm not feeling too tired or cranky or crampy or anything. And my cold seems to be passing, so I'm going to stick it out. Unless I have a relapse. For those of you who've read the book, am I doing something wrong? Should my stomach be more crazy right now? It's a little gurgly, but that's it.
4:08pm Boy are my butt cheeks red (figuratively). I was so wrong about the cleanse not working. After I posted earlier today, I pooped (and by pooped, I mean peed out of my butt) three times in a row. And now I'm just going about my daily business, watching I Love New York and so forth. Oh, and I can't believe the cleanse is happening during this! Also, apparently Dan has quit, which is disappointing, but not surprising if you know Dan. And I'd recommend just drinking orange juice today, instead of trying to eat solids. I think that's what you're supposed to do, to come off the cleanse, right? Juice for a day, soup for a day, and then take it easy solid-food-wise for a couple more days?
BRIAN KENNEDY
9:17am Very disappointed in my bowel movements. Hardly anything this morning. I think part of the problem is that I'm not drinking the flush quickly enough. Jeffrey told me to pretend it's cum, but that doesn't help me. I'm not a cum pig like Jeffrey. Also, our apartment is freezing because our stingy landlord has yet to turn on the heat, and drinking the flush makes me really cold. I'm so fragile right now! Uh-oh, my stomach just made a noise. Let's hope for a more fulfilling BM this time. I should be leaving for work right now.
9:29am Just got back from the bathroom. I've graduated to semi-solid BMs! Hooray!!! I'm sooo gonna be late for work.
9:55am - Made my lemon-maple-ade. Sat on the toilet some more. Supposed to be at work in 5 minutes. (Jeffrey, if you get home before me tonight, buy more TP before using the bathroom.)
10:37am - Made it to work (late.) Didn't crap my pants on the A train. Feeling more energetic. Thanks Master Cleanse!
3:05pm - Although Day Three is definitely treating me better than Day Two did, my thought process for every waking second is still "I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse."
8:00pm - Home from work. Day went pretty well. Felt really down around 4:30, but it quickly passed. My back is hurting again and my tongue has been rolling around my mouth all day wondering why it's so empty, but I've definitely had more energy and my caffeine headaches are gone. Also, my tongue now has a white coat over it, which is a sign that my body is detoxing. Not sure if I put that in the "annoying things about the Cleanse" or the "good things about the Cleanse" column. I like how "the Cleanse" is capitalized, like it's a cult. Jeffrey and I are doing laundry tonight and I just got back from Home Depot, where I purchased a space heater. While waiting in line at the Depot I got sort of mad thinking about the fact that I had to spend $32.50 because my landlord is too cheap to turn on the heat. But thanks to the Cleanse, I am learning to let go of such annoyances by reminding myself that things could always be worse... I could be starving.
9:48pm - The Cleanse is decidedly much easier to do at home, especially when it's just me, Jeffrey and a bunch of empty cupboards. Right now Jeffrey is making me watch Yo! Gabba Gabba, which is bascially a modren day H.R. Pufnstuf. If you are unfamiliar with either show, they're both kids shows that are not for kids. They're for adults on weed. I'm on my last glass of lemon-maple-ade for the night, but I used limes this time, quite a refreshing change. Oh yeah, I also just read that Coolio is going to have his own reality show on Oxygen. That has absolutely nothing to do with the Cleanse, but I find it hilarious. And speaking of Gangsta's Paradise, Robert Goulet just died. Sad.
DAN FRIEDMAN
10:47am I woke up six times during the night: twice to go dry-heave, twice to have stomach cramps and poop, once to just have stomach cramps without pooping, and once because my neighbor locked herself out of the building and buzzed me to let her back in. I think I probably frightened her when I picked up the intercom because I was so cranky. At least, she sounded pretty frightened when she hastily apologized four times and explained the situation and then apologized again.
The point is: I was all set to give up this morning and eat some dry white toast, but then I read Jeffrey's blog post from last night and watched the YouTube video he linked to, and it really inspired me to give it a little more time. So: I skipped the saltwater rinse, because I started it and I nearly puked, but I'm back to slowly sipping the lemonade even though it continues to taste like an Elm tree.
3:43pm That does it for me. I don't know if I'm doing the Cleanse wrong, or if my body's just not made for this abuse, or if I just have some other sickness going on, but I'm taking the Coward's Way Out™ and quitting. I've already eaten a piece of dry toast, and while I still feel crappy (with cramps and all) I think this is probably the right decision. My therapist, Dr. HHHFeld told me I should stop... and by "told me I should stop," I mean that he said I must really hate myself to be doing this to my body.
I guess this is it for me and the Master Cleanse... two attempts and failure both times. So I suppose I have to ignominiously drop out of this blog, as well. It's a sad day to be me--unlike most days. Anyway, you can still visit me at the ole Vile Monotony if you want to keep track of how the shame of failing the Cleanse is affecting me.
Hugs & Kisses,
DJ Dickmutt
10:40am - Today I woke up with a sharp, stabbing pain in what I believe to be my kidneys. I had recorded a video last night at the end of day two, but it didn't upload for some reason. It really agitated me. I will do another tonight. This morning, I made a "Master Cleanse Mix" on my iPod to help stimulate and encourage me on my walks to and from work. Here is the mix, it's amazing and I think you should have the same mix if you are doing The Cleanse. Or at least, make a inspirational mix of some kind. I'm serious. Here is a weird video for the song from "The Biggest Loser" and "Queer As Folk". They should have hired me to make this video, it's really weird for such a great song. It's all 80's student film. Ugh.
Track 1 - "Proud" by Heather Small
Track 2 - "Breakin' Up" by Rilo Kiley
Track 3 - "New Shoes" by Paolo Nutini
Track 4 - "I Feel It All" by Feist
Track 5 - "Love Is Blind" by Annie Lennox
Track 6 - "Where Is My Mind" by The Pixies
Track 7 - "Love Profusion" by Madonna
Track 8 - "Back To The Earth" by Rusted Root
Track 9 - "The Painter" - I'm From Barcelona
Track 10 - "Punchlines" - Mates of State
Track 11 - "Come A Long Way" - Michelle Shocked
Track 12 - "Happier" by Guster
Track 13 - "Be Yourself" by Morcheeba
Track 14 - "Brandy (You're a Fine Girl)" - Looking Glass
I know, "Brandy (You're a Fine Girl)" isn't particularly inspirational, but I just love it and it puts me in a great mood. You know what else puts me in a great mood? Ice, cold fountain Pepsi, onion dip, and Ruffles potato chips.
10:51am - For the past 11 minutes, I have been thinking how weird it is that the guy's voice in the 'Brandy' song doesn't match what he looks like. What a scuzzy dude! He looks like he is going to mouth-rape that microphone! I don't think I like the song as much anymore. Great, now I have to re-do my 'Master Cleanse Mix'. Also, I love that I just got paid for 11 minutes to do nothing but think of this issue.
2:05pm - I drank my lunch in the student lounge today. Much better than smelling every inch of the pizza shop in the cafeteria. I am feeling a little better! It's strange how mindful of your body you become on The Cleanse. Last night, after meditating a little bit in my bed, I made peace with the horrible pain that was building in my neck, shoulders and at some points, my legs. My point of view is that tensions and pain is exiting my body and I am resetting myself. Today, I feel like my body is churning out whatever it needs to churn out in order to reset. My body is still sore, but less so, and it feels like it needs to be, in a good way, in order to rebuild. Jesus, I sound like a fuckin' hippie. Maybe the soreness isn't all this resetting mumbo jumbo, maybe it's a warning signal my body is telling me that I am dying.
3:15pm - I went to go get the president a veggie burger. I got high off the smell of roasted chicken and macaroni and cheese in the cafeteria. I could even smell the organic soap on the college art students. My sense of smell is superhuman! I am going to be on 'Heroes'!
4:15pm - OH MY GOD! We lost another cleanser! Well, it definitely isn't for everyone, that is for sure! I didn't know Dan, like Beta did, but he was a good man in my experience. Plus, he has a really cute dog named Rosie, so that's pretty cool! Good luck, Dan! Also, I know Beta was very excited about Taco Bell's free tacos for every stolen base during that baseball game tournament, but Jon (who quit the cleanse before it even started) sent me this link today! I mean, if Jon is giving his free tacos away, why isn't he just doing The Cleanse?
5:10pm - Record 'Day 3' video. I got in a tiff with the crabby old lady who sits behind me at work as I was on my way out the door. I harnessed my emotions into an after work video. She doesn't know how to turn on her computer so I am not too worried about her finding a youtube video.
6:24pm - Just remembered Britney Spears new CD comes out today! Damn, I don't have any money until Friday! I spent all my money on lemons and toilet paper! Now, I have to go on a Britney fast too! This cleanse is probably similar to what Britney is going through this year. Poor Brit-brit. I hope she doesn't go crazy forever! I also hope I don't accidentally show everyone my vagina while I am on The Cleanse!
6:25pm - BRITNEY IS AVAILABLE TO LISTEN TO FOR FREE ON MYSPACE! Well isn't this a treat? It's like the musical version of a cheeseburger and a caramel frapuccino! OMG. I love right now!
11:59pm - About an hour ago, I noticed that my tongue is totally white. You know how E.T. and Elliot turn all white and pasty at the end of the movie because they love each other and their pain is each other's pain? Well, my tongue looks like E.T. If you're doing The Cleanse right, your tongue turns white, or so I am told. Also, my teeth have a strange acidic film over them. I assume it is from all the citric acid. While today was better than yesterday, I am still sore and weak. I hope to jump into the day tomorrow with more strength and a winning attitude with the lady from work. I fear she may become the emotional dumping ground of all that is purging from my mental and physical system. Also, Britney's new CD is an awesomely over-produced piece of sweet-ass electro-pop. I-love-it.
BETA FIPPEL
1:33pm First of all, what's the deal with Jeffrey spelling my fake name wrong?? It's Fippel. Not Fipple. Second, I feel like I must be doing something wrong, because I feel just fine. For the most part. Last night I think I jumped the gun on the laxative tea. I thought I was going to go to bed early, so I stopped drinking the lemonade and had the tea at about 10pm. Then I was up for another 2 hours and was really, really hungry. But, since I've never read the official cleanse book, I didn't know if I was allowed to have more lemonade or not, so I played it safe and just stayed hungry. I woke up at 12:40pm today, since I'm not working, and my stomach felt totally normal. I peed and farted a little, tiny fart, but no poop came out. The salt water got things moving and I expelled some pretty gnarly poo flakes, but otherwise I'm not feeling too tired or cranky or crampy or anything. And my cold seems to be passing, so I'm going to stick it out. Unless I have a relapse. For those of you who've read the book, am I doing something wrong? Should my stomach be more crazy right now? It's a little gurgly, but that's it.
4:08pm Boy are my butt cheeks red (figuratively). I was so wrong about the cleanse not working. After I posted earlier today, I pooped (and by pooped, I mean peed out of my butt) three times in a row. And now I'm just going about my daily business, watching I Love New York and so forth. Oh, and I can't believe the cleanse is happening during this! Also, apparently Dan has quit, which is disappointing, but not surprising if you know Dan. And I'd recommend just drinking orange juice today, instead of trying to eat solids. I think that's what you're supposed to do, to come off the cleanse, right? Juice for a day, soup for a day, and then take it easy solid-food-wise for a couple more days?
BRIAN KENNEDY
9:17am Very disappointed in my bowel movements. Hardly anything this morning. I think part of the problem is that I'm not drinking the flush quickly enough. Jeffrey told me to pretend it's cum, but that doesn't help me. I'm not a cum pig like Jeffrey. Also, our apartment is freezing because our stingy landlord has yet to turn on the heat, and drinking the flush makes me really cold. I'm so fragile right now! Uh-oh, my stomach just made a noise. Let's hope for a more fulfilling BM this time. I should be leaving for work right now.
9:29am Just got back from the bathroom. I've graduated to semi-solid BMs! Hooray!!! I'm sooo gonna be late for work.
9:55am - Made my lemon-maple-ade. Sat on the toilet some more. Supposed to be at work in 5 minutes. (Jeffrey, if you get home before me tonight, buy more TP before using the bathroom.)
10:37am - Made it to work (late.) Didn't crap my pants on the A train. Feeling more energetic. Thanks Master Cleanse!
3:05pm - Although Day Three is definitely treating me better than Day Two did, my thought process for every waking second is still "I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse. I'm on the Master Cleanse."
8:00pm - Home from work. Day went pretty well. Felt really down around 4:30, but it quickly passed. My back is hurting again and my tongue has been rolling around my mouth all day wondering why it's so empty, but I've definitely had more energy and my caffeine headaches are gone. Also, my tongue now has a white coat over it, which is a sign that my body is detoxing. Not sure if I put that in the "annoying things about the Cleanse" or the "good things about the Cleanse" column. I like how "the Cleanse" is capitalized, like it's a cult. Jeffrey and I are doing laundry tonight and I just got back from Home Depot, where I purchased a space heater. While waiting in line at the Depot I got sort of mad thinking about the fact that I had to spend $32.50 because my landlord is too cheap to turn on the heat. But thanks to the Cleanse, I am learning to let go of such annoyances by reminding myself that things could always be worse... I could be starving.
9:48pm - The Cleanse is decidedly much easier to do at home, especially when it's just me, Jeffrey and a bunch of empty cupboards. Right now Jeffrey is making me watch Yo! Gabba Gabba, which is bascially a modren day H.R. Pufnstuf. If you are unfamiliar with either show, they're both kids shows that are not for kids. They're for adults on weed. I'm on my last glass of lemon-maple-ade for the night, but I used limes this time, quite a refreshing change. Oh yeah, I also just read that Coolio is going to have his own reality show on Oxygen. That has absolutely nothing to do with the Cleanse, but I find it hilarious. And speaking of Gangsta's Paradise, Robert Goulet just died. Sad.
DAN FRIEDMAN
10:47am I woke up six times during the night: twice to go dry-heave, twice to have stomach cramps and poop, once to just have stomach cramps without pooping, and once because my neighbor locked herself out of the building and buzzed me to let her back in. I think I probably frightened her when I picked up the intercom because I was so cranky. At least, she sounded pretty frightened when she hastily apologized four times and explained the situation and then apologized again.
The point is: I was all set to give up this morning and eat some dry white toast, but then I read Jeffrey's blog post from last night and watched the YouTube video he linked to, and it really inspired me to give it a little more time. So: I skipped the saltwater rinse, because I started it and I nearly puked, but I'm back to slowly sipping the lemonade even though it continues to taste like an Elm tree.
3:43pm That does it for me. I don't know if I'm doing the Cleanse wrong, or if my body's just not made for this abuse, or if I just have some other sickness going on, but I'm taking the Coward's Way Out™ and quitting. I've already eaten a piece of dry toast, and while I still feel crappy (with cramps and all) I think this is probably the right decision. My therapist, Dr. HHHFeld told me I should stop... and by "told me I should stop," I mean that he said I must really hate myself to be doing this to my body.
I guess this is it for me and the Master Cleanse... two attempts and failure both times. So I suppose I have to ignominiously drop out of this blog, as well. It's a sad day to be me--unlike most days. Anyway, you can still visit me at the ole Vile Monotony if you want to keep track of how the shame of failing the Cleanse is affecting me.
Hugs & Kisses,
DJ Dickmutt
Monday, October 29, 2007
Day Two
JEFFREY MARX
9:21am - First day at work on The Cleanse. I had normal poops in the morning. Then, I did the salt water wash (which is the worst thing in the world). I am waiting for the ass-splosion. My shoulders and neck are very sore. Not sure if that has anything to do with anything (perhaps toxins mobilizing?). I tried to Gmail Gchat Beth just now and she signed off immediately. She always has a red dot by her status message anyway, so I am not gonna take it personally. Red dots suck.
9:48am - I just peed out of my ass.
1:15pm - Man, my shoulders hurt! I had an awkward interaction with a slice of pizza in the cafeteria. I brought my cleanse juice and a book I am reading about molestation down to my usual sitting space. Big mistake! That slice of pizza almost jumped into my face! I will have to find a new place to "eat lunch" at work during this adventure.
3:50pm - My neck and shoulders are crying. So much built up tension is being agitated. This is rough. I'm not so much missing food, as I am missing my neck not dying. I have a dead neck.
4:57pm - Making copies for my sketch class. My shoulders are so mad at me. I think they might try to beat me up and take my lunch money... oh wait, I don't have any lunch money because I am not eating anything.
10:06pm - Hobble to the subway after sketch class. Immediately fall asleep on the A train listening to Annie Lennox.
10:55pm - Holy fuck. What a painful day. I just got back from sketch class. I peed an amazing amount of times today. My neck and shoulder pain is still operating at about a level 8. My upbeat attitude is still strong except I almost lost it with the old lady who sits by me at work. Also, I fought being testy in my sketch class tonight too (but seriously, I should not have to explain what a 'top' or 'bottom' is in gay lingo to justify my sketch, people should know what those terms are, am I crazy?). I got home to see the blog updated by my wonderful cleanse comrades! I hope they are OK. I know it's tough, gang! Hold on! If you guys have to stop, that's OK. We won't be mad at you. Brian would be mad at me if I quit, but you guys could and it would be alright.
11:43pm - Drinking my poop tea and reading about molestation.
BETA FIPPEL
10am-ish - My computer was all effed up this morning. I was on my boss's computer and had to switch to mine as soon as Jeffrey gchatted me. Also, the red dot is especially important now that I could have to go to the bathroom at any moment.
I woke up at about 5:30am today with some stomach cramps, probably from the laxative tea I had last night. I wasn't quite ready to poop, though. My body is crazy. When I was getting ready for work, I eliminated a few flakes--presumably stuff that's been stuck in my colon for years.
Also, I peed out of my ass at almost the exact same time Jeffrey did!
5:12pm - I'm officially sick. I have a runny nose, sore throat, and possibly a fever. I've been trying to fend this thing off for about a week, but it has finally hit. I think it took the opportunity yesterday when I stopped eating to get me. I'm taking tomorrow off work to try to recuperate, but since this is all about being healthy, I'm not going to continue the cleanse if it's making me sick. Makes sense, right? This is all very suspenseful. Will I continue or not...?!?!? And, as a side note, I use my 32 oz. nalgene bottle for the salt water and then for the lemonade. Is that going to make me sick like Brian and Jeffrey's water bottles? And, as another side note, as I get to the bottom of the nalgene, the cayenne pepper is really intense. I might keel over.
BRIAN KENNEDY
11:04am - Even after drinking my lukewarm swimming pool water, I mean salt water flush, this morning, I still managed to have a solid BM. No pissing out of my ass yet! However, it was a pretty nasty looking BM. Like if a BM had been sitting out for too long and it got moldy. Also, it was very lumpy and I believe I saw some old spinach leaves in it. Yes, I plan to torture all of you who can eat by describing my poop. I'm doing my best to make you lose your appetite. Right now I'm at work, but I have to leave soon to go to a meeting at a hospital where there is going to be FREE LUNCH! It is killing me right now that I have to pass on a free lunch.
3:02pm - Just got back from the hospital. Very proud of myself for being able to sit through watching everyone else eat delicious club sandwiches. I was even able to keep my calm when they passed the cookie tray around. However, now that I'm back at work, I am truly being tested. Not only is my co-worker (who just had her wisdom teeth taken out) eating a giant tupperware container full of mashed potatoes. But a package full of Halloween candy from my mom just arrived. Fun sized 3 Musketeers (one of my favs) and a Starbucks giftcard (I'm already experiencing headaches from the caffeine withdrawal.) Ughhh. Right now I am very unhappy to be drinking my lemon-maple water, which's taste is quickly losing favor with me.
3:48pm - Another one of my co-workers is now eating a portabella mushroom burger with the best looking french fries in the world. Why oh why, does the break table have to be down in the basement where I work? Right now he is taunting me with a fry, little does he know that in doing so, he is only making me stronger. I love proving people wrong.
8:13pm Home from work, lying in bed, no energy. Plan was to do laundry and wash dishes. Not gonna happen. Can barely type. But according to book, this is just a detox symptom that I need to embrace. It means the Cleanse is working. After an "elimination" tomorrow, I should feel better. Oh yeah, and after work tonight I had to stop by the grocery store to pick up more maple syrup and some measuring spoons. I almost cried.
12:17am Watched a bunch of Netflix, feeling better, even did the dishes. Getting ready for bed now, starting to feel worse again just thinking about tomorrow's salt water flush.
DAN FRIEDMAN
Well, my "night before" was last night (Sunday night), because I had to go to a steakhouse for my sister's birthday dinner, and I couldn't see explaining to my family that I was going on an insane crash diet, even if Beyoncé did it. They really have no respect for the tremendous strides Beyoncé has made in nutrition.
That being said, the meal wasn't just at any steakhouse, it was at Peter Luger Steakhouse in Brooklyn, which means that I basically ate a cow. I thought this would be a really great way to begin the Cleanse, since I'd basically be stuffing myself before completely emptying myself. Then I had last night's laxative tea. I ended up having to plunge my toilet three times. LITERALLY THREE TIMES! How disgusting is that? Not as disgusting as if you really think about the color of the water I was putting my plunger in. I actually started to feel sorry for my plunger.
I have a little beagle puppy, just over a year old, named Rosie, and she kept thinking that all the going to the bathroom, then plunging, then going to bed, then to the bathroom, then plunging, then going to bed, etc. was some sort of confusing, smelly game. And I have to agree with her.
6:50 pm - Today--my first full day on the cleanse--has been an unmitigated disaster. The pooping hasn't even been the worst problem. I mean, sure, I peed out my butt about thirty minutes after the salt water rinse, but the real problem is that the lemonade itself is making me sick. I was told that I would start to crave this stuff by the end of the first day, but it's begun to taste like what I imagine tree sap must taste like, and I can't even drink it any more.
For most of the day, I was getting stomach cramps approximately once every two minutes. I mean, horrible horrible stomach cramps. The kind of cramps that I imagine women must be complaining about when they complain about the crap that goes on with their body.
Anyway, the cramps got so bad that I thought I would vomit around 1pm... and then I did vomit, about an hour and half ago. I'm not drinking any more lemonade, right now, just sips of water, and we'll see how it feels tomorrow. I don't know if I can do the laxative tea tonight, though... I'm really afraid of dry-heaving at this point. FUN!
9:21am - First day at work on The Cleanse. I had normal poops in the morning. Then, I did the salt water wash (which is the worst thing in the world). I am waiting for the ass-splosion. My shoulders and neck are very sore. Not sure if that has anything to do with anything (perhaps toxins mobilizing?). I tried to Gmail Gchat Beth just now and she signed off immediately. She always has a red dot by her status message anyway, so I am not gonna take it personally. Red dots suck.
9:48am - I just peed out of my ass.
1:15pm - Man, my shoulders hurt! I had an awkward interaction with a slice of pizza in the cafeteria. I brought my cleanse juice and a book I am reading about molestation down to my usual sitting space. Big mistake! That slice of pizza almost jumped into my face! I will have to find a new place to "eat lunch" at work during this adventure.
3:50pm - My neck and shoulders are crying. So much built up tension is being agitated. This is rough. I'm not so much missing food, as I am missing my neck not dying. I have a dead neck.
4:57pm - Making copies for my sketch class. My shoulders are so mad at me. I think they might try to beat me up and take my lunch money... oh wait, I don't have any lunch money because I am not eating anything.
10:06pm - Hobble to the subway after sketch class. Immediately fall asleep on the A train listening to Annie Lennox.
10:55pm - Holy fuck. What a painful day. I just got back from sketch class. I peed an amazing amount of times today. My neck and shoulder pain is still operating at about a level 8. My upbeat attitude is still strong except I almost lost it with the old lady who sits by me at work. Also, I fought being testy in my sketch class tonight too (but seriously, I should not have to explain what a 'top' or 'bottom' is in gay lingo to justify my sketch, people should know what those terms are, am I crazy?). I got home to see the blog updated by my wonderful cleanse comrades! I hope they are OK. I know it's tough, gang! Hold on! If you guys have to stop, that's OK. We won't be mad at you. Brian would be mad at me if I quit, but you guys could and it would be alright.
11:43pm - Drinking my poop tea and reading about molestation.
BETA FIPPEL
10am-ish - My computer was all effed up this morning. I was on my boss's computer and had to switch to mine as soon as Jeffrey gchatted me. Also, the red dot is especially important now that I could have to go to the bathroom at any moment.
I woke up at about 5:30am today with some stomach cramps, probably from the laxative tea I had last night. I wasn't quite ready to poop, though. My body is crazy. When I was getting ready for work, I eliminated a few flakes--presumably stuff that's been stuck in my colon for years.
Also, I peed out of my ass at almost the exact same time Jeffrey did!
5:12pm - I'm officially sick. I have a runny nose, sore throat, and possibly a fever. I've been trying to fend this thing off for about a week, but it has finally hit. I think it took the opportunity yesterday when I stopped eating to get me. I'm taking tomorrow off work to try to recuperate, but since this is all about being healthy, I'm not going to continue the cleanse if it's making me sick. Makes sense, right? This is all very suspenseful. Will I continue or not...?!?!? And, as a side note, I use my 32 oz. nalgene bottle for the salt water and then for the lemonade. Is that going to make me sick like Brian and Jeffrey's water bottles? And, as another side note, as I get to the bottom of the nalgene, the cayenne pepper is really intense. I might keel over.
BRIAN KENNEDY
11:04am - Even after drinking my lukewarm swimming pool water, I mean salt water flush, this morning, I still managed to have a solid BM. No pissing out of my ass yet! However, it was a pretty nasty looking BM. Like if a BM had been sitting out for too long and it got moldy. Also, it was very lumpy and I believe I saw some old spinach leaves in it. Yes, I plan to torture all of you who can eat by describing my poop. I'm doing my best to make you lose your appetite. Right now I'm at work, but I have to leave soon to go to a meeting at a hospital where there is going to be FREE LUNCH! It is killing me right now that I have to pass on a free lunch.
3:02pm - Just got back from the hospital. Very proud of myself for being able to sit through watching everyone else eat delicious club sandwiches. I was even able to keep my calm when they passed the cookie tray around. However, now that I'm back at work, I am truly being tested. Not only is my co-worker (who just had her wisdom teeth taken out) eating a giant tupperware container full of mashed potatoes. But a package full of Halloween candy from my mom just arrived. Fun sized 3 Musketeers (one of my favs) and a Starbucks giftcard (I'm already experiencing headaches from the caffeine withdrawal.) Ughhh. Right now I am very unhappy to be drinking my lemon-maple water, which's taste is quickly losing favor with me.
3:48pm - Another one of my co-workers is now eating a portabella mushroom burger with the best looking french fries in the world. Why oh why, does the break table have to be down in the basement where I work? Right now he is taunting me with a fry, little does he know that in doing so, he is only making me stronger. I love proving people wrong.
8:13pm Home from work, lying in bed, no energy. Plan was to do laundry and wash dishes. Not gonna happen. Can barely type. But according to book, this is just a detox symptom that I need to embrace. It means the Cleanse is working. After an "elimination" tomorrow, I should feel better. Oh yeah, and after work tonight I had to stop by the grocery store to pick up more maple syrup and some measuring spoons. I almost cried.
12:17am Watched a bunch of Netflix, feeling better, even did the dishes. Getting ready for bed now, starting to feel worse again just thinking about tomorrow's salt water flush.
DAN FRIEDMAN
Well, my "night before" was last night (Sunday night), because I had to go to a steakhouse for my sister's birthday dinner, and I couldn't see explaining to my family that I was going on an insane crash diet, even if Beyoncé did it. They really have no respect for the tremendous strides Beyoncé has made in nutrition.
That being said, the meal wasn't just at any steakhouse, it was at Peter Luger Steakhouse in Brooklyn, which means that I basically ate a cow. I thought this would be a really great way to begin the Cleanse, since I'd basically be stuffing myself before completely emptying myself. Then I had last night's laxative tea. I ended up having to plunge my toilet three times. LITERALLY THREE TIMES! How disgusting is that? Not as disgusting as if you really think about the color of the water I was putting my plunger in. I actually started to feel sorry for my plunger.
I have a little beagle puppy, just over a year old, named Rosie, and she kept thinking that all the going to the bathroom, then plunging, then going to bed, then to the bathroom, then plunging, then going to bed, etc. was some sort of confusing, smelly game. And I have to agree with her.
6:50 pm - Today--my first full day on the cleanse--has been an unmitigated disaster. The pooping hasn't even been the worst problem. I mean, sure, I peed out my butt about thirty minutes after the salt water rinse, but the real problem is that the lemonade itself is making me sick. I was told that I would start to crave this stuff by the end of the first day, but it's begun to taste like what I imagine tree sap must taste like, and I can't even drink it any more.
For most of the day, I was getting stomach cramps approximately once every two minutes. I mean, horrible horrible stomach cramps. The kind of cramps that I imagine women must be complaining about when they complain about the crap that goes on with their body.
Anyway, the cramps got so bad that I thought I would vomit around 1pm... and then I did vomit, about an hour and half ago. I'm not drinking any more lemonade, right now, just sips of water, and we'll see how it feels tomorrow. I don't know if I can do the laxative tea tonight, though... I'm really afraid of dry-heaving at this point. FUN!
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Day One
JEFFREY MARX
I decided to do a little video blogging along with this cleanse thing. I watched everyone's on youtube who had the same idea and figured mine wouldn't be UN-interesting. So, the first video is sort of an introduction and also a mini-tour of my new room in Brooklyn, which will be fun for those of you who haven't seen the new place yet... or if you're just a regular stranger, then enjoy being a voyeur, I would.
This morning, I woke up and had a regular "elimination" - that means "poop". The book we're reading keeps using that word and it makes me laugh and feels like I am on a reality TV show. But then again, everything makes me feel like I am on a reality TV show. Figures, since my freshman year of high school was also the very first season of The Real World. I am first in a true generation of reality TV, so it's second nature.
After my poop, I had to drink 32 oz. of salt water. At first, I thought I could do it, but it was pretty gross. I managed to chug it all down, and twenty minutes later had another poop. I was running late for rehearsal. Thankfully, Brian made my first bottle of lemonade while I was in the shower. Brian was my mommy packing me lunch and sending me out the door to catch the bus! Thanks mommy!
I went to rehearsal and felt mild hunger. I had normal energy. Someone told me they tried the cleanse awhile ago and they woke up in the middle of the night on the third day. They said they were sweaty, shaking, and hallucinating from being on the cleanse. I told him you are supposed to cleanse yourself with tea and salt water, not LSD. I am forging ahead with upbeat positivity and only the best outcome in mind, so this story didn't phase me.
On the subway home, I started feeling really hungry. I finished my first half of the days lemonade and couldn't wait to get home to make some more. When I got home, I thought I would watch an episode or two of South Park. I definitely felt hungry. Alot hungry. Halfway through the second episode, I zoned out and fell asleep. It felt like I got stuck in a foggy hole. My body just turned off for about 20 minutes. I woke up and made a batch of lemonade. I drank some and started feeling alright so I went to work on cleaning my room.
My room was a disaster. I had been neglecting cleaning up my clutter for awhile and it felt good to organize my closet and sweep under my bed. The weather today was the first blast of wintery cold. Interesting to me, the day I start the cleanse is also the first time I felt the beginning of a season change. Messy rooms and weather analogies aside, I really think I am on the brink of grounded change within myself. After quitting therapy last week and seriously taking a look at two of my relationships, I feel strong and in control. Just like Janet Jackson.
BETA FIPPEL
After very few hours of sleep last night, I intended to begin the cleanse with the salt water top-down enema this morning. However, my body started before me by "eliminating" quite a bit of... matter before I could even drink the salt water. When I get nervous, I poop. And for some reason, I'm very nervous about this whole thing. So, by the time the salt water kicked in, I didn't have very much to poop out. So far, I have to say that the worst part of the cleanse is the taste of the "lemonade". At first it's kind of fun to drink because it seems like it should be completely disgusting, but is just kind of interesting tasting. By the end of the 32 oz. that I was able to get down today (which is about half as much as I think I'm supposed to drink each day), I was really struggling to drink it. Surprisingly, it really is filling. I was barely hungry at all. All in all, my butt hasn't really attacked yet. So far it's Beta-1, Cleanse-0.
BRIAN KENNEDY
This morning I woke relieved that I didn't relieve myself in bed. Thanks to the laxative tea we had to drink last night, I was having some pretty intense pee dreams. One involved me being a call-boy for my boss (he was my pimp, not my john) at some Asian themed hotel. Jake Gyllenhaal was there as a fellow call-boy. At one point, I touched his chest. In the dream I peed in the toilet, the shower, and on the bathroom floor. I woke up with a very full bladder and thankfully, a dry bed.
I've been emptying my bladder pretty much all day. I lost count after 10, but I would wager that I peed at least 15 times today. And I'm not talking a weak little trickle here and there. It's like the Mighty Mississip flowing out of my wee little willie. (It's not really that wee.)
I'd much rather have the pee than the poops though. As team captain, I've been reading the book and here is what we have to look forward to in the poop department:
"The first cleanse I did was so bad I had to put some vitamin E on my butt for Days 2-5."
"I thought I was literally eliminating hot flames from my butt."
"I drink the SWF (salt water flush) and winthin an hour I have as many as 5 BMs."
"I eliminated some intestinal-shaped matter about three to four feet long."
"Mine gets darker and darker each day. The deeper the 'do,' the darker the hue."
"Yeah, I'm obsessive too. My favorite part is looking in the toilet to see what came out each time."
So there you have it. That's what we have to look forward to whilst poop-- er, eliminating.
DAN FRIEDMAN
Dan is eating steak right now with his sister. Too much steak. Not enough Grade-B maple syrup.
I decided to do a little video blogging along with this cleanse thing. I watched everyone's on youtube who had the same idea and figured mine wouldn't be UN-interesting. So, the first video is sort of an introduction and also a mini-tour of my new room in Brooklyn, which will be fun for those of you who haven't seen the new place yet... or if you're just a regular stranger, then enjoy being a voyeur, I would.
This morning, I woke up and had a regular "elimination" - that means "poop". The book we're reading keeps using that word and it makes me laugh and feels like I am on a reality TV show. But then again, everything makes me feel like I am on a reality TV show. Figures, since my freshman year of high school was also the very first season of The Real World. I am first in a true generation of reality TV, so it's second nature.
After my poop, I had to drink 32 oz. of salt water. At first, I thought I could do it, but it was pretty gross. I managed to chug it all down, and twenty minutes later had another poop. I was running late for rehearsal. Thankfully, Brian made my first bottle of lemonade while I was in the shower. Brian was my mommy packing me lunch and sending me out the door to catch the bus! Thanks mommy!
I went to rehearsal and felt mild hunger. I had normal energy. Someone told me they tried the cleanse awhile ago and they woke up in the middle of the night on the third day. They said they were sweaty, shaking, and hallucinating from being on the cleanse. I told him you are supposed to cleanse yourself with tea and salt water, not LSD. I am forging ahead with upbeat positivity and only the best outcome in mind, so this story didn't phase me.
On the subway home, I started feeling really hungry. I finished my first half of the days lemonade and couldn't wait to get home to make some more. When I got home, I thought I would watch an episode or two of South Park. I definitely felt hungry. Alot hungry. Halfway through the second episode, I zoned out and fell asleep. It felt like I got stuck in a foggy hole. My body just turned off for about 20 minutes. I woke up and made a batch of lemonade. I drank some and started feeling alright so I went to work on cleaning my room.
My room was a disaster. I had been neglecting cleaning up my clutter for awhile and it felt good to organize my closet and sweep under my bed. The weather today was the first blast of wintery cold. Interesting to me, the day I start the cleanse is also the first time I felt the beginning of a season change. Messy rooms and weather analogies aside, I really think I am on the brink of grounded change within myself. After quitting therapy last week and seriously taking a look at two of my relationships, I feel strong and in control. Just like Janet Jackson.
BETA FIPPEL
After very few hours of sleep last night, I intended to begin the cleanse with the salt water top-down enema this morning. However, my body started before me by "eliminating" quite a bit of... matter before I could even drink the salt water. When I get nervous, I poop. And for some reason, I'm very nervous about this whole thing. So, by the time the salt water kicked in, I didn't have very much to poop out. So far, I have to say that the worst part of the cleanse is the taste of the "lemonade". At first it's kind of fun to drink because it seems like it should be completely disgusting, but is just kind of interesting tasting. By the end of the 32 oz. that I was able to get down today (which is about half as much as I think I'm supposed to drink each day), I was really struggling to drink it. Surprisingly, it really is filling. I was barely hungry at all. All in all, my butt hasn't really attacked yet. So far it's Beta-1, Cleanse-0.
BRIAN KENNEDY
This morning I woke relieved that I didn't relieve myself in bed. Thanks to the laxative tea we had to drink last night, I was having some pretty intense pee dreams. One involved me being a call-boy for my boss (he was my pimp, not my john) at some Asian themed hotel. Jake Gyllenhaal was there as a fellow call-boy. At one point, I touched his chest. In the dream I peed in the toilet, the shower, and on the bathroom floor. I woke up with a very full bladder and thankfully, a dry bed.
I've been emptying my bladder pretty much all day. I lost count after 10, but I would wager that I peed at least 15 times today. And I'm not talking a weak little trickle here and there. It's like the Mighty Mississip flowing out of my wee little willie. (It's not really that wee.)
I'd much rather have the pee than the poops though. As team captain, I've been reading the book and here is what we have to look forward to in the poop department:
"The first cleanse I did was so bad I had to put some vitamin E on my butt for Days 2-5."
"I thought I was literally eliminating hot flames from my butt."
"I drink the SWF (salt water flush) and winthin an hour I have as many as 5 BMs."
"I eliminated some intestinal-shaped matter about three to four feet long."
"Mine gets darker and darker each day. The deeper the 'do,' the darker the hue."
"Yeah, I'm obsessive too. My favorite part is looking in the toilet to see what came out each time."
So there you have it. That's what we have to look forward to whilst poop-- er, eliminating.
DAN FRIEDMAN
Dan is eating steak right now with his sister. Too much steak. Not enough Grade-B maple syrup.
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